


darling, so it goes

by akosmia



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: All The Tropes, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Family Drama, Friends to Lovers, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Sexual Tension, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-05-26 12:12:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 90,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15000638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akosmia/pseuds/akosmia
Summary: "I'm getting married," his mother announces as he picks up the phone, which is absolutely fucking mental, because, first of all, you don't just announce something like this over the phone, and, second of all,what the fuck?Ben reacts accordingly. "That's mental," he replies, because of course it is.-- or: family is hard to face on your own, so when Rey offers to be his pretend girlfriend, Ben isn't going to tell her no, despite the huge crush he has on her. After all, what can go wrong?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _but Faith, weren't you supposed to study for your exams?_
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> well, yes. but i'm an irresponsible piece of shit *finger guns* 
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> no but really, with two exams out of the way and the third one in two weeks, more or less, i can finally breathe and that means *cracks knuckles* writing.  
> i blame this on every rom-com i've ever watched: it's going to be cheesy and full of tropes, because i'm a cliché and i love all of that. also, it's going to be a little lighter than my last work, but expect some angst and family drama, because, duh, Skywalkers.  
> i have this mostly written, so i think i will update weekly!

"I'm getting married," his mother announces as he picks up the phone, which is absolutely fucking mental, because, first of all, you don't just announce something like this over the phone, and, second of all, _what the fuck_?

Ben reacts accordingly. "That's mental," he replies, because of course it is.

Why on earth would his mother get married _again_ , after her first marriage has royally screwed up all of them so thoroughly? Of course, it was not her fault, and Ben is old enough to know that marriages fail and people fall apart and there's really no one to blame, sometimes, but still. _Getting married._ Is she going insane? Has her brain finally started to deteriorate? Or has he stepped into an alternative dimension in which that statement actually makes sense?

His mother, of course, is as pleased with him as usual, which is to say, none at all. Honestly, Ben isn't even surprised of this turn of events, and he's even less surprised to hear her sigh. "Thank you for your support, Ben," she says, sarcasm dripping from her words, as they fall in their old pattern again, and he groans, slumping against his couch and massaging his temple with his fingers, nursing his headache.

God, he is _tired_. The conversation has started about one minute ago, and Ben, after a day spent fighting with Hux and going through his latest case, is already on the brink of a nervous breakdown, with an odd craving for a cup of tea (or a bottle of wine, he would settle for that, too) and the sudden desire of being killed, instantly, by some random burglars. Sadly, none of his wishes are possible, because he has no tea or alcohol or murderers at hand, so he limits himself to sigh and rub his temple in a soothing gesture he has grown used to, since starting working for the First Order, where a headache is the least you can get.

"I'm sorry," he tells his mother, because, as much as the news has thrown him off, he _is_ sorry he has been an ass - but that's old news. That's his standard reaction to being himself, apparently. He spends more time apologizing than doing anything else, in his life. Rey teases him about it almost every day, but it's almost pleasant, if she smiles like that. He blushes - this is not the moment to think about _Rey_ , of all the people, but he can't help himself. It seems like she has taken hold of his thoughts, lately. "I'm happy for you, mom, it's just- unexpected".

He knows his mother has been with Miss Holdo - _"You should start calling me Amilyn, Ben_ , _it's been years_ " she had told him, last time he had visited (probably years and years ago, but he tries not to dwell on that), but, yeah, despite the fact that she's been around long enough to be considered part of his family even before she started living with his mother, he has distinct memories of him running around the house butt naked when she visited, during his childhood, so he's not going to call her _Amilyn_ \- anyway, he knows his mother has been with Miss Holdo for years and that she is happy and free in a way that she hasn't been since her divorce, and he supposes he's happy too. And truthfully, he is. As much as his family drives him mad and makes him want to follow uncle Luke's example and run away in some remote corner of the world where no one can bother him or ask him when he's going to visit again anymore, he loves his mother and he wants her to be happy and carefree and content, because she does deserve it. But, marriage? _Marriage_? He can't wrap his mind around that.

His mother laughs, on the other side of the phone. It's not a sarcastic or mocking laughter, it's just amused, and Ben likes her a lot better when she's like this. He supposes he hasn't been an easy son to deal with, so he can't really blame her if she is a little bit guarded with him now, but it actually feels _nice_ when she's warm and soft.

"Me and Amilyn have talked a lot about this in the past year," she replies, her voice warm with fondness and love, and while Ben is still dumbstruck, it's easy to realize how happy and sure of it she is. He kind of envies her that, but he buries that thought deep in his mind, where he doesn't have to deal with it, and tells himself that this is what he wants for her. "And I just thought, why not?"

Apparently, _why not_ is the ruling thought process in his family, because he can't remember a single occurrence in which his mother or father or even himself have taken a decision carefully balancing off the pros and cons of it. _Why not_ , they have always thought, and driven head first into it. He hopes this time his mother is right, and this is the right choice for her.

"I'm happy for you, you know," he repeats, because he feels like he has to tell her that over and over again, a sort of apology for the way he has always acted around her and his father and his family in general. Maybe they don't really get along with each other when they are under the same roof, but he does love them - both his mother and his father, no matter how fucked up things got, sometimes.

He just loves them like this, where they can't really comment his looks or complain about his gloomy mood.

His mother laughs again. "I hope you are, because you are invited to the wedding, of course".

_Well - here goes nothing._

Ben presses his lips together, as his fingers run through his hair, pushing the strands away from his face in a nervous gesture. "Of course," he repeats, grimacing. This is the last thing he wants - to be forced to spend whole days with his family. But, he supposes, what kind of deranged psychopath doesn't show up for his mother's wedding? "I'll be there".

There is a moment of silence over the phone, and Ben thinks his mother is probably too surprised by his response to remember how to talk. Truthfully, he is surprised too - were this another occurrence, he would fight and groan and whine his way through this phone call and would find an excuse for not coming back, but it is his mother's wedding, so, really, what choice does he have?

"Good," she says, in the end. He can hear her tremulous smile even if he can't see her, and for a moment his heart clenches, thinking about how hard must have been for his mother to see her own son avoid her. _Be nicer to your parent_ , he repeats himself, and that thought sits at the top of his New Year's resolutions every damn year. Maybe he can do something about that, this time. "You know, you can bring someone. A date. A girl. Or a boy, you know I don't mind".

Maybe not.

" _Mom_ ," he groans, throwing his head back on the cushions. The headache is blooming under his fingertips, and he just wants to close his eyes and lie face down on his mattress and not to think for at least eight hours. "Don't push your luck, now".

His mother laughs again.

He is _screwed_.

*

"Here," Rey's voice startles him, and makes him raise his eyes from the files he's reading, bringing his gaze to her face. He has to blink a few times, eyes tired and brain completely mushy, before he can realize that she's actually in front of him, holding in her hand a mug of something that smells delicious, and a plate of cookies. His stomach twists, and he realizes he hasn't eaten at all since he has left work.

He quickly moves all the sheets of paper scattered around the table to make space for the mug and the plate she is placing on the wooden surface, and then she pulls out a chair and sits in front of him, with a little smile on her lips, as if she had just completed a task and was very satisfied with herself.

Ben stares at the mug, and then back at her, brows knitted together in confusion. His tired brain is having trouble processing the scene, and he presses his lips together, unsure of what it all means. "What's this?" he asks, in the end, nodding in the direction of the mug that she has placed right in front of him. The smell makes his stomach twist again, and he is reminded again that he doesn't even know how to take care of himself.

Rey giggles, the sound almost pure in the confined space of the coffee shop. "It's apricot tea with extra honey, and cookies," she replies, shrugging, but there is still a smile on her lips, and dimples on the side of her face. Ben stares at her, almost gaping, because, well, he has always been pathetic about it, and he's fascinated by the pattern of freckles on the bridge of her nose.

He clears his throat, trying to think about something else - anything else that isn't the way the freckles remind him of the stars in the night sky. "I didn't order it?"

She giggles again, as if his words were somehow a lot more funny than he had intended them to be. Ben has always been uncomfortable with people laughing in front of him, memories of high school and countless parties his mother made him attend to still too fresh in his mind, but Rey makes it look like she is not mocking him. She makes it look like she finds him funny, but in a good way. He likes being able to make her laugh. It has never happened before - he knows all too well how to make people mad or how to make them cry, but _laugh_. This is new, and a laughing Rey is a fascinating sight. _I did it_ , he thinks, stupidly, still not able to get used to it.

"I know," she says, her smile almost too wide, her eyes almost too shiny in the warm light of the coffee shop. It's quite-but-not-really too much, after a day spent with Hux and Snoke, almost as if he had forgotten what ease and warmth felt like. "It's just- you looked so sad and pensive and I thought I could do something about that".

Ben quickly looks away, feeling his skin burn under her gaze and knowing all too well he is probably a blushing mess right now, red ears peeking through his long hair. He wishes the ground swallowed him whole, but of course, the ground never grants your wish when you most need it. "So," he replies, pretending to fix the files in front of him. "Your idea of comforting someone is giving them a cavity?"

Rey snorts, and he hesitantly raises his eyes, looking at her. He likes the way her shoulders tremble when she laughs, and the way she squints her eyes and wrinkles up her nose. Her hair is tied in a little ponytail, but a few strands brush against her forehead and face, and she is really good to look at.

He blushes again, hoping she can't read the thought on his face.

"Shut up and drink your tea," she says, crossing her arm over her chest and looking at him with the usual warm smile on her face. He complies, as always, because he feels like he has no other choice when Rey is involved, and curls his fingers around the cup, letting the warmth spread through his skin and clear his head.

He brings the mug at his lips, and sips the tea a little, closing his eyes and enjoying the feeling of it. It is good. If that is Rey's idea of comforting him, he wants her to be there for him every day of his life.

_He has not just thought that._

She props her elbow on the table, and stares at him, almost studying his face, as if she could understand what was wrong just by looking at him. Sometimes Ben thinks she can - she is _so_ good at reading him, and he feels almost transparent when he is in her presence. He wonders how that is possible - he has always felt like his feelings were a tangled mess he could not solve, a puzzle he didn't know the solution of, but then Rey stares at him, and it all feels all so easy, as if she had learned him in some previous existence.

She clears her throat, before speaking. "Are you okay?" she asks, tilting her head, her eyes following his every movement. He has always felt uneasy when he was being stared at, but there is something almost gentle in her eyes, and he doesn't mind it so much. There's something like - warmth. It almost feels as if she cares for him. "I mean, you don't have to talk to me, it's just- you seem worried".

Ben is quick to shake his head, running a hand through his hair as he does when he's nervous. "I like talking with you," he replies, earnestly, and he thinks he sees her blush for a moment, before she turns her face away, fixing her ponytail. It's true, anyway - he likes talking with Rey, it's probably the best part of his day.

The Rebel Alliance is just across the street from where Ben works, and since he has started coming here after work or when things with Hux and Snoke get too tense, everything has felt easier. He likes the homely feeling of the coffee shop, the familiar scent of caffeine hanging in the air and the fact that he can spend as much time as he likes there, going through his cases in an environment in which he doesn't feel like on the verge of a murderous rampage every few seconds - but most of all, he likes being able to talk to Rey. It had been difficult, at the beginning, because he is, well, _himself_ , and she had been right to yell at him, but somehow they have found their way around each other and now-

She is probably his best friend. Well, his only friend, because he is pathetic and friends have never been something easy for him, but still.

Rey smiles, tilting her head again. The ponytail on the back of her head bounces a little, and she brushes the few strands of hair out of her face. It's something weirdly familiar, something that Ben sees every day, and strangely, it feels like home. "Then spill," she says, her head on her hand, staring at him with watchful eyes. "What is it?"

He brings the mug to his lips again, taking another sip before answering. The sweetness of the tea mixed with the honey feels almost bordering on too much, but it is _nice_. She has thought of him while making the tea, because she wanted to comfort him, so he isn't going to complain. "My mother is getting married," he confesses, pressing his lips together and staring back at Rey, who's looking at him now with a serious expression.

"Oh," she replies, the smile quickly faltering. "Is it bad?"

He shakes his head, still gripping the mug in his hands, because it gives him a grounding feeling. "No, not bad," he says, because of course it's not _bad_ , it's a wonderful thing if that's what his mother wants, it's just- "I'm just worried, you know? Things with my father went pretty bad. I mean, they still talk and see each other and it's all fine now, but it wasn't pretty back then and- I don't want her to go through it again".

He rarely thinks about it, and even more rarely talks about it, and he has spent a big part of his adult life trying to get away from it - from his childhood and the memories of countless fights, screaming matches, plates shattered. It could have been worse, he has told himself over and over again, and now things are fine, but he can't quite forget the feeling of helplessness washing over him as he used to watch his father leave _again_ , the door of his old battered Falcon slammed on him again as he drove away in a cold October night.

He shakes his head again, trying to keep the thought away from his mind, because he doesn't want to think about that. It has been long ago and his father has apologized and things are _fine_ now, despite the fact that they haven't seen each other in years. He should be fine too, he tells himself, but, apparently, it's a little bit more complicated than that.

"And, of course," he adds, because he doesn't want Rey to look at him with pity in her eyes, because he has never told her about his past and he doesn't want her to think differently of him just because he was a sad kid who watched his parents fight, once. He wants her to look at him like she has always done - like he's the awkward, pathetic mess she has gotten used to and started to tolerate, despite her better judgment. "I must go to the wedding, what kind of asshole doesn't show up for his mother's wedding? And that's-" he groans, running a hand through his hair and pressing his lips together, trying to find the right words to express what he is feeling. " _Ugh_ ".

Rey chuckles, softly. "That bad, uh?" she asks, and he raises his eyes to stare at her. She is gifting him a small smile, looking at him with kind eyes and an intent stare, as if he was the most interesting thing in the whole coffee shop. "I guess you don't like your family very much".

He shrugs, trying to calm himself. "It's not that I don't like them," he replies, thinking about it. For what it's worth, he loves his family, he really does, even if he barely talks to them. He just loves them when all of them can't jump at each other's throat in less than ten seconds. "I just like them better when we are in a long-distance parents-son relationship, you know? Normal family stuff, I guess".

Rey's face twists a little bit, and her smile turns almost into a grimace, and Ben wonders what he has said to make her mad again, an apology already on his lips. In the early, rocky stages of their friendship, it happened so frequently - because of course, awkward Ben Solo who never had a real friend was terrible at social interaction but a fucking genius when it came to accidentally say the wrong thing - it had almost become a habit, to apologize to her, and Rey had started to tease him about it. It hadn't happen in a long time, he realizes, maybe because he's getting better at understanding Rey, or maybe because Rey's getting better at understanding him.

Now, she's looking at him with a tension in her shoulders, but it seems like she is trying not to show it. "Yeah, I guess," she replies, and then she shakes her head, as if to erase a thought from her mind, and her smile is back on her face, as luminous and warm as usual. "So, what's the plan? Playing dead until the time passes?"

He sighs, placing the now empty mug of tea on the table and rubbing his eyes, as if the solution was written behind his eyelids. It isn't, of course, which is fucking inconvenient. "I wish," he says, wincing. The thought of coming back to his family makes his chest heavy, but he has no choice, hasn't he? There is no easy way out of this, he _has_ to come back. It's not like he can bury his head in the sand and pretend it never happened, no matter how much he'd like that. "I was actually thinking of hiring someone to kill me".

She wrinkles her nose. "It sounds a bit too dramatic," she comments, and, against all odds, he finds himself smiling, because he can't really help himself when she stares at him with shining eyes, freckles covering the bridge of her nose and a teasing smile on her rosy lips.

"But efficient," he replies, and Rey laughs, softly, biting down her lips, as if she was trying really hard not to burst into giggles - a really beautiful sight, he thinks before he can stop himself. "No, I'll have to come back. I mean, I am happy for my mother and I love my family, so it's not that. It's just- I can barely stand myself on a good day, I can't hang around with people who are exactly like me for like, a week".

At that, Rey laughs again, throwing her head back. There is something in the ease with which she lets herself loose in front of him that bewitches him, and he can't look away from her shivering shoulders and her curved lips. It's entrancing, and while he feels really stupid for it, he can't help the warmth spreading through his bones at the sight.

"And besides," he adds, trying not to think about the way her nose wrinkles up when she laughs, and the ponytail bounces around her face. "My mother keeps asking me to bring someone, like, you know, a _date_. And I won't, so they're all going to tease me about it and I really don't look forward to that".

Her laughter dies down slowly, but when it does, she props her elbows on the table again, staring at him with a sort of mischievous smile that he has never seen on her face. It makes him blush, and he hopes she hasn't noticed it that much, because he's being downright pathetic, and he doesn't want Rey to think that of him. Well, probably she already does, but still. "Well," she says, her voice low and teasing. "That means you have to bring someone. A _date_ ".

Ben wants to laugh, because, yes, very funny. Maybe Rey's trying to mess with him, because it's impossible for her not to notice how awkward and hopeless and pathetic he is, and how can she even think he could be dating someone? He's a mess, and not even the cute-and-charming kind of mess, he's just - Ben, and surely she can tell. "But, Rey," he replies, trying really hard not to sound like a petulant child. "I don't- I don't have a date. I'm not seeing anyone. I mean, the only person I see on a daily basis is Hux, but I don't want to _date_ Hux. I hate him".

Another giggle from Rey - apparently, she finds this situation very funny. Were she another person, maybe Ben would flare up as he usually does, clenching his fists and baring his teeth, but - there's something in the way she laughs that makes him calm, instead of tense, despite her teasing. Somehow, he knows that she isn't laughing about him, and that makes him relax under her gaze. It makes all the difference in the world, he thinks, and, despite it all, he's glad he has found her.

And then, he blushes for having thought that, because, really, he has not found her, he's just a regular costumer whom she bears with for a few hours everyday. It's not that deep, and it's not like-

He tries not to think about it.

"I'm not talking about actual dating," she tells him, her lips curved again in that mischievous smile that makes his heart race. "I'm talking about pretending, Ben".

That makes him shut up for a whole minute, trying to wrap his mind around the concept. "Oh," he replies, stupidly, as his brain tries to function properly and elaborate the information. It doesn't help that he's so tired he can barely understand English.  _Pretending_? "Well, I'd rather feed myself to the wolves before I actually ask for Hux's help, and even then, we hate each other so much I don't think we could pull it off for more than, like, ten seconds, optimistically speaking".

Rey just stares at him, a smile on her lips, her eyebrows raised, as if he had said something particularly stupid, which is, really, standard reaction to Ben, so he's not really surprised. "You do realize," she starts, her eyes almost too intense for his liking. "You see _me_ on a daily basis too, right?"

That _breaks_ him.

He opens and closes his mouth a few times, trying to make his brain work, but apparently, it has shut down for good and refuses to function again, and he finds himself unable to find a suitable answer, because all he can think about is _what_? "What?" he manages to croak, his voice higher than usual. He must look pretty ridiculous right now, but Rey is gracious enough not to mention it. Maybe because it's kind of her fault. "Are you- are you for real?"

She just shrugs. "Yeah, why not?"

Ben wants to laugh, because _why not_ s have fucked up his life more times than he can actually count, but Rey is staring at him with her shining eyes and a smile on her lips, and she's telling him she can pretend to be his date and he should say no, because it's utterly and absolutely ridiculous, but instead, he looks back at her, and his heart does a weird thing in his chest, almost hammering against his bones. Oh, _no_.

Before he can reply, Rey continues, never taking her eyes off him. "I mean, it's better than Hux, or someone you could hire," she explains, drumming with her fingers along the wooden surface of the table. He stares at her hands, trying to calm himself. "At least we know each other, we could pull it off. Maybe your family will stop teasing you about it for a while".

It's - ridiculous. Mental. Absurd. Totally fucking crazy. He should say no, because he's a mess and his hands already tremble when Rey's close and his heart does stupid things in his chest when she looks at him, and he doesn't need to make this situation even more fucked up than it already is.

Ben presses his lips together, and then he smiles. "You know, you may be right," he replies. "Why not?"

Rey laughs again and then pushes the plate of cookies in front of him. "Good," she says, tilting her head. "Now eat your cookies".


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii, here we go again! the positive response to the first chapter has really blown me away, i didn't expect this little story to be so appreciated but i'm so happy you all love this trope as much as i do! thank you so much for every comment, kudos and bookmark, it really means the world to me ♥
> 
> btw, if everything goes well, i think i'll be able to update every thursday!

**Rey**

_hey_

_r u free tonight?_

He's in the middle of a glaring contest with Hux, as usual since they have both been hired and started to clash, when his phone starts bleeping, and he exhales, deeply, almost choking on his own breath as he notices the name on the screen of his phone with a weird twist of his stomach and a flutter of his heart, because he's an idiot. It takes him a moment to remember they've exchanged numbers after her offer to be his pretend girlfriend, a few weeks ago.

He has to remind himself it doesn't mean anything.

**Ben**

_Yes._

_Why?_

She doesn't reply immediately. From the window of his office, he can see the Rebel Alliance, through he can't see Rey. The small café is crowded, and she's probably busy with orders, running around with her warm smile and gentle eyes. It hasn't nothing to do with him, he tells himself.

Nevertheless, when his phone bleeps again, he's relieved, and he lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. _You're really that pathetic, Solo._

**Rey**

_i was thinking_

_the wedding is next week, isn't it?_

_we should like_

_brainstorm about what we r going to say_

_if u still want to do this_

Oh. That makes sense. They haven't actually talked about it - it's just a thing that has happened and that they haven't really mentioned anymore, and Ben was starting to think he had dreamed it, but, apparently, he had not. He's still not sure this is really a good idea, but he can't back down now. He has already told his mother about Rey - _"What? When were you going to mention it to me, Ben? Why don't you talk to me anymore? You used to tell me everything"_ \- and, truth be told, there's a part of him that _dies_ to do this, as pathetic as it sounds.

**Ben**

_Oh._

_You're probably right._

He doesn't know what else to say - he's not a great texter, nor a great conversationalist, for the record, so he just sits there, awkwardly, as he watches the three dots flicker on the screen of his phone, sign that she's coming up with an answer. He hopes she doesn't find him that ridiculous.

**Rey**

_r u always so formal when you text? :D_

_btw i was thinking_

_if u could wait for my shift to end_

_we could grab a pizza and crash at my place_

_it's just a few blocks away_

_and we can talk_

_if that's okay with u_

He tells himself it doesn't mean anything. He tells himself that twice. And then a third time, because it can't hurt.

**Ben**

_Sounds perfect._

*

This is not a good idea, Ben repeats himself for the fifth time in a row.

"So," Rey starts, splayed out on her couch, with her head resting on the cushions and her legs crossed, looking as at ease as always, as if the world was a riddle she had perfectly figured out.

An empty pizza box lies on her coffee table (he had insisted to pay for it, and Rey had insisted she could perfectly pay for it on her own and they had ended up splitting it and eating it like starved men), and her apartment is peaceful, exceptionally small but cozy. He has to tell himself, repeatedly, that this doesn't mean anything - that her place is just closer to their workplaces, and nothing more, and he's just there to, as she has put it, come up with a believable story on how they met, started to date and possibly fell in love, all in the span of this evening.

To Ben, it sounds pretty ominous, but he knows she's right, and that's why he has waited for her shift to end, and he's currently sitting on her couch, her knee almost brushing against his thigh, making him jittery and nervous, and with not the faintest idea of where to put his hands. What does he normally do with them anyway? Are hands supposed to feel heavy and sweaty? Why do humans even _have_ hands?

He decides to rest them in his lap, fidgeting to prevent himself from reaching out to her. Why would he ever do a thing like that, he doesn't know, but it sounds like something stupid enough he could be tempted to try- she's so _close_ and he's so _stupid_ about it -, so yeah, better prevent himself from further awkwardness.

This is not a good idea, his mind reminds him again. For the sixth time. It hasn't discouraged him the five times before, so it's no wonder he stays there, no intention of moving away, even this time.

"So?"

Rey smiles, barely turning into his direction to glance at him. She stretches her arms, and the blouse she's wearing lifts up for a second, showing a lot more skin that he's used to, and Ben's brain short-circuits for a whole minute and contemplates shutting down for good, because he doesn't remember how to function anymore. Her skin looks very soft, a constellation of freckles climbing up her ribs, and his hands feel awkward again. His mouth feels dry, and all the words the English language has to offer seem to disappear into nothing, which is, well, good, to be honest, because otherwise he'd be tempted to say something. Anything. Anything _stupid_.

It's Rey who brings him to reality again. "How long have we been dating?" she asks, in the end, as she brings her arms down, and starts to rub her temples.

It takes him a moment to recover from earlier, and notice it. He knows she's tired, after a long day of work, but it's still new, seeing her like this, without the usual cheery façade she puts on while she works. It's not unpleasant - it's more like discovering a new side of her, a human part of Rey she keeps tucked and well hidden while she's at the coffee shop, and something in him aches to know her and everything about her, even if he feels his cheek burn everytime she glances at him. He doesn't remember the last time he has been this close to another human being, and probably it has never happened. He feels awkward, but also - his skin tingles, and he feels _alive_.

"I mean, for coherence and backstory, if they ask," she adds, with a little smile on her lips.

He sighs, throwing his head back against the cushions too, as he thinks about it with a grimace on his lips. "Oh, they will ask. They'll probably pester you about it," he tells her, shuddering, as he imagines his family fawning all over Rey in less than a week. It makes him dread the moment, but at least he's pretty sure Rey can hold her ground against his family, probably better than he can. After all, in all the months he has known her, he has seen her fight off rude costumers, wrestle handsy drunk men, and yell at him without even breaking a sweat, so, he's not really worried about her.

He's more worried about how she'll manage to look like she's in love with him, to be honest. He's not exactly the most lovable person in the world, for sure.

Rey chuckles, quietly, her eyes shining in the static light of her living room. "So? What do I tell them?"

He presses his lips together, trying to come up with an answer that won't make him look ridiculous. "Uh," is what he manages to utter, and he congratulates himself for managing to look like the dumbest person alive. He hopes there's an award for that, because he has definitely earned it. "Six months? I don't know, I'm not exactly, you know," he gestures, vaguely, hoping Rey can understand him somehow. "An expert".

Mercifully, she doesn't comment on any of that. She just hums, staring at him, while biting her bottom lip. "Why? What's the longest relationship you ever had?"

_Well_.

Ben mumbles something, looking away from her and desperately hoping to disappear within the next ten seconds, his mind already assessing all the possible escape routes. He stares at the door, wondering if sprinting for it would be considered rude, and then he eyes the window behind him, asking himself if he could survive the jump with his bones and his dignity intact, but before he can actively escape his feelings or try to plummet to his death (which, in retrospective, would have solved all his current problems, really), Rey brings him back to reality.

"Ben?"

It's just his name, but she says it almost sweetly, as if it was something she wanted to savor on her tongue. By now, they've been on first name-basis for months (before, it was only something along the lines of _jerk_ , or _asshole_ or, when she felt creative, _monster,_ so really, it's a big thing for them), but it's still a surprise to hear her utter his name, her lips curving around the three letters as if she was tasting something precious.

Her hand hovers in the air for a bit, and then she places it on his thigh, gently, as if he was a startled wild animal she was trying to comfort. His skin tingles where she's touching him, above his trousers, and it's the most peculiar sensation he has ever felt. Her fingers slide down and curve around his knee, her thumb almost pressing into his bones, and it's both grounding and elating, and he realizes he's never been touched like this by another human being.

Which is why he ends up letting out something that resembles too much a fucking _whimper_ , like the sort of pathetic, touch-starved loser he is.

Rey reads into that whimper and starts to move her hand away, fingers brushing against the fabric of his slacks as she tries to smile at him. He tries really, really hard to stay put and not to stop her, placing her hand against his thigh again. His breath is stuck in his throat, and he can feel the phantom touch of her fingers, where they had been just a second ago. 

"Sorry," she murmurs. She's sitting straight now, and her smile turns into something apologetic, and there's a sort of blush on her cheeks. Ben cringes, internally, because she's probably embarrassed for him and the way he reacts to being touched. She probably thinks he's pathetic, which is old news, to be honest, but there's something that tugs at his heart when he imagines Rey thinking of him as weak, pathetic little thing. He tries not to dwell on it. "I didn't want to make you uncomfortable".

He's quick to shake his head, because _uncomfortable_ is not the word he'd use to describe the sensation of her fingers curving around his knee, her hand touching his thigh. Electrical. New. Weird. But not uncomfortable.

"No, it was good," he replies, almost automatically, not minding his reddened cheeks. He kind of wishes she had left her hand there, on his thigh. He has to loosen up his tie, because it almost feels like he's choking on it, and Rey looks at him with a watchful eyes, following his every movement as if fascinated by him. He can feel his face burn, under her gaze. "It's just- I'm not used to being touched," he explains.

He's not. Apart from his family - which he rarely sees anyway -, nobody has ever touched him like that, and he isn't quite sure of what to do or how to react. What do normal people do? Surely they don't _whimper_.

He keeps on talking, because he doesn't know how to stop anymore, and he wants to fill the awkward silence that is settling over them. "I've never had a relationship. That's why I, uh," he gestures again, looking away from Rey as he does, because he doesn't want to read the pity in her eyes. He presses his lips together again in a pout, an habit from his childhood that he can't seem to shake it off. "Yeah, that's why," he finishes, pathetically.

There's a moment of silence that stretches to infinity in his mind, and he wonders what Rey's thinking. He doesn't turn into her direction, because he's not sure he can actually stand her gaze, so he doesn't notice her moving. He only hears a rustling sound and then he jumps when he feels her hand carding through his hair, her body suddenly a lot closer. Her touch is almost hesitant, as if she was scared of startling him again.

"If we want to pull this off," she starts, sweetly, as her fingers thread through the strands, her nails scraping his scalp, gently. It takes a lot for him not to whimper again but it feels so - _good_? He didn't know something could feel this good. He almost melts into her touch, unconsciously leaning into her. "We'll have to work on the touch thing. If this makes you uncomfortable, we can call this off, Ben. It's okay, you know. I don't want this to bother you".

She's whispering, now. He can see out of the corner of his eye that she's sitting on her knees, and leaning into him, and her fingers keep on stroking his hair, her thumb brushing against his forehead. He feels - electrical, something buzzing beneath his skin, but it's nice. He realizes she's right - if he wants to make this thing work, he has to get used to her touching him. He can't react like the pathetic teenager he is everytime, because otherwise his family will know.

"No," he replies, quietly. His eyes flutter shut of their own accord, and he sighs, as she wraps her fingers around his strands and his body goes _boneless_. How is possible to something so simple to feel this good? "It's okay. I can work on it".

He can hear her smile by the way she exhales. He has her memorized by now, after months of seeing her everyday, and he knows this smile - warm, and soft, and gentle. It reminds him of the tea she always brings him during difficult days, sweet and hot, warming him up and making him feel cared for. Her thumb presses against his forehead as she brushes off a few strands, almost pressing against his thoughts.

" _We_ can work on it," she corrects him, gently. "I'm quite new at this too, you know. I've never had a real relationship either".

At this, he opens his eyes and frowns, surprised, because he can't wrap his mind around that. She's Rey, and in his mind that is enough for people to fall in love with her almost automatically - she's Rey and she's warm, and she knows how to comfort him during bad days, and how to make him smile, bumping their shoulders together and handing him a plate of his favorite cookies. She's Rey, how could anyone not be head over heels for her from the very first moment?

He decides to bury that thought, because he can't afford to think about it at the moment.

Her fingers keep on threading through his hair as if she had always done it, so naturally and casually. As if there was nothing easier in the world. "I don't believe you," he says, in the end, and Rey stares at him with a confused expression, but doesn't pull away. He's very careful in choosing his next words, because he doesn't want to make her mad, especially since he doesn't want her to stop stroking his hair. He wants her do to it for the rest of the night. Of the week. Of the month. "I mean, you're ... _you_ ". 

_Smooth. Very smooth._

There's a little grin at the corner of her lips, now, and Ben is very enthralled by it, and he wonders what it would feel like under his fingers. Which is why he curls his hands into fists and sinks his short nails into his palms, because otherwise he would actually reach for her face. And then hide himself in shame for the rest of his life.

"Was that a compliment?" she asks, raising her eyebrows, but before he can explain himself, she shakes her head and laughs, softly, her hand trailing down, from his hair to the nape of his neck, drawing small patterns. He bites his lips to prevennt a moan from escaping, because, _holy fuck_. "No, but really. I had a few flings, but you know, I'm not sure they were even real relationships, it was mostly just messing around. And then I had other priorities," she adds, and for a moment her eyes lose their glimmer and her shoulders tense.

He frowns again, wondering what she's thinking about, and his hand finds its way to her arm almost automatically, as if to comfort her. Her blouse is short sleeved, so his fingers brush against her bare skin, and it's even more surprising, this jolt of electricity running through him. "Well," he says, trying his best not to blush or stutter or, just be himself. He doesn't know how to comfort someone this way, so he follows her example, and traces small patterns along her skin, slowly, his fingertips barely touching her arm. "It was a compliment. What I said, I mean. It was a compliment".

Rey seems taken aback, and stares at him with a surprised expression, her lips parted, her breath hitching on her mouth. Her fingers keep on drawing patterns along the portion of skin between his hair and the collar of his shirt, and it feels _too much_ , this kind of intimacy he has never shared with anyone, but it also feels not nearly enough, and he doesn't know how to explain it. "Thank you," she says, in the end, and her eyes are shining again as she does.

He's glad - she should never lose that.

He clears his throat, hand falling from her arm, looking away for a moment because her gaze is almost too much for him right now. "So, six months?" he asks, trying to remember what they were talking about before this weird, intense moment happened. He doesn't want it to end, but he needs to focus on something else, and not on the way her fingers brush against his skin. He sees her nod, and he sighs, his mind working furiously to maintain some semblance of control. "And how did we meet? I mean, obviously I won you over from the very first moment".

Rey laughs, and he knows she's throwing her head back, and her shoulders are trembling in an attempt to keep it all inside. He has seen her laugh like that a lot of time before, staring at him from the other side of the table in her café. "Well," she says, when her laughing ebbs. "I was thinking of keeping it pretty realistic. You worked right across the street from the coffee shop and stopped by everyday for your daily dose of horrible black coffee-"

He scoffs. "Hey, black coffee is good," he tells her, because it _is_ good. Because he has been drinking it since he was a child, probably. _Thanks, mom_. "It's just an acquired taste. It's not my fault you only like teeth-rotting sweet kind of things".

She pinches him lightly, right at the nape of his neck, and Ben lets out a breathy exhale that he's not even sure what it should be. "Whatever, it _sucks_ ," she shrugs, and doesn't pay attention to his shocked look, as she continues. "Then, one day, you asked for my number-"

"Now, that doesn't sound realistic _at all_ ," he interrupts her, and she pinches him again, bringing her eyes on him. She gives him almost a death glare, and it reminds him of the first days of their friendship, when he managed to make her angry in ten syllables or less, but now there's a smile hovering around her lips, and he knows she's just teasing him.

"Will you stop interrupting me?" she asks, and her fingers find his hair again, tugging at the strands. He has to bite down on his lips _hard_ , almost drawing blood, to prevent himself from moaning out loud, because what the fuck was that? Why was his body shivering? _Oh God_. "I'm trying to come up with a believable story here and you're not helping at all with your sarcastic comments". 

He tries to calm himself, breathing in and out, hoping Rey hasn't noticed the way his body is tensing. "I'm- I'm just trying to be reasonable," he replies, flashing her a small smile to distract her from his hair. If she keeps on tugging at it he thinks he will probably combust. "I mean, do I look like the kind of guy who just asks a pretty girl for her number?"

There's a faint red on her cheek now, and he wonders if she has noticed the way he's tensing up under her hand, or if it's something else. "Okay, then, _I_ asked for your number," she says, smirking at him. He's pretty sure he'd walk through fire for that smirk, but he doesn't indulge in that thought. "But you gave it to me because you were halfway in love with me already".

Now, that sounds even _too_ realistic, he thinks before he can stop himself, but he says nothing of that, because she's staring at him with the same smirk on her lips, and shining eyes, and he wonders for a minute what would it feel like to kiss her. Then, he decides to bury that thought too. "And because you kept drawing hearts on my cup," he says, flashing her a smile.

This earns him another tug at his hair, and this time he barely manages to hold back a moan. "You wish," she whispers, all too close to him. Yes, he does wish. He wishes she stopped to torture him so carefully, her fingers wrapped around his hair, her smile right in front of him, her eyes big and wide as he has never seen them. He wishes she kissed him. "Then I called you and you were obviously so whipped you accepted to go out with me immediately".

He tries to laugh, even if the only thing he can think of is the way she keeps playing with his hair, small, reassuring movements of her fingers against his nape. "Of course," he replies, closing his eyes.

She giggles, as her thumb brushes against his skin, gently. He doesn't know why she's doing this - maybe to ease him into this whole world of physical contact, totally new to him -, but it feels nice, and he indulges in it, not telling her to stop. He doesn't want to, anyway.

"What about physical display of affection? I'll try to keep touching at minimum if it makes you uncomfortable, but," she shrugs a little bit, biting down on her lips. He knows her by now, and he knows she's thinking, her mind spinning to find a way to make this easier for him.

It warms his heart. "No, you're right. They won't buy it if we stand five feet apart, I mean," he says, and he knows she's right. He isn't great with physical contact, but this won't work unless they try. "I think hand holding, hugging, kisses on the cheeks are okay? I mean, for me," he adds, because he doesn't want to presume. She has said all of this is new to her too, and he doesn't want to make her uncomfortable or force her to do something she doesn't want to. Force her to act like she loves him.

Rey smiles, sweetly, and her fingers keep on playing with his hair, wrapping around the strands as if she had spent her whole life doing this. "It's okay for me too," she replies, quietly. And then, she leans in, and, without saying a word, she presses a kiss right to his cheek. "Just to get used to it," she adds, mouth against his skin, her hand still into his hair. It's the most peculiar sensation in the world, and it feels like something is exploding right beneath his skin.

Ben gulps, and tries to breathe. "Yeah, of course".

*

His mother _squeals_ over the phone.

"So you're really coming," she tells him, and it should be obvious, since it's the night before his departure and her wedding is in a couple of days, but instead is almost heart-wrenching, because she's so happy as she says that, and Ben feels terrible, because what has he done to her, that she's so surprised he's coming back for her wedding?

He tries not to think about, and rubs his eyes, taking a deep breath. Now it's not the time to discuss about his issues, he tells himself. There will probably be plenty of time in the next few days, anyway, he thinks bitterly.

"Of course," he replies, pressing his lips together. "We're leaving in the morning, so I think we'll be in Chandrila by mid-afternoon, maybe evening".

She hums, and there's so much happiness in that little small sound that Ben is taken aback. He doesn't want to focus on that, because it would mean unfolding all the years of misery and suffering and anger he has inflicted upon his mother, and he can't do that, no matter how much better things are now, and he's trying to be a better son. So, instead, he tries to think about Rey, and the way she has smiled at him today when he has waved her goodbye and promised to pick her up in the morning.

"I can't wait to meet this Rey," his mother says, with a teasing tone that he remembers all too well from his teenage years. It brings him to reality, and it makes him groan. "How come that you didn't even mention her in the past few months? It's weird".

_Because up until a few days ago I hadn't even been touched by a girl, mom._

He can't tell her that, so he sighs, rubbing his temple. "Because I didn't want you to freak out," he explains her, and he has to admit it to himself - he almost sounds convincing. He sounds tired and utterly done, which is standard reaction to his mother's inquiries, and when she groans, on the other side of the phone, he knows he has pulled this off, somehow. Maybe he's better at this than he expected to be. "Which is, by the way, exactly what you're doing. Please, mom, don't scare her off. It's already a miracle she stands me at all".

Leia scoffs. "I have never scared off anyone," she says, but that's clearly a lie, because otherwise he wouldn't be there, miles and miles away from Chandrila and his mother. "I hope there will be time to go through old photo albums. I can't wait to tell her all about your childhood stories".

He whines, pressing his face down on his pillow, hoping it's enough to suffocate him, or at least to make him unconscious for the next few days. "If you try to even embarrass me in front of her I will turn my car around and fucking _flee_ , mom, I swear".

His mother laughs. "I make no promises, sweetheart".

*

The next day, he stops by Rey's apartment to pick her up. The air is warm here in Coruscant, and he thinks about Chandrila and the way the sun shines there, almost vibrant, a living thing. He kinda misses it, sometimes, still not adjusted to the city life even after so many years. He sighs - the idea of coming back is making him broody and gloomy again, and that's the last thing he wants right now.

Rey comes out of her building holding a suitcase that looks bigger than her and stumbles all the way to his car, but when he gets out and tries to help her, she swats his hands away, yelling something that should sound like, "I'm okay, I can do this myself," but instead resembles a pained groan.

Ben sighs, before grabbing the suitcase and carrying it to the trunk of his car, Rey hurrying behind him, letting him know that she was doing perfectly okay, and she didn't need help with that, thank you very much.

"Rey," he tells her, as he deposits her baggage in the trunk. His hand hovers on the hood, and he turns into her direction to stare at her, blankly. She scrunches up her nose, and it reminds him of old times, when she used to be mad at him almost every second of everyday. Despite that, he finds it adorable. He has always found it adorable, somehow, even if he didn't want to admit it. "Let me do this. If we're going to do this, my family will expect I do things for you".

She bites her lips, uncertain. "I can do it on my own," she replies, as stubborn as ever, because of course.

He pulls down the hood, closing the trunk and giving her a small smile, because there's something so _Rey_ about it. She has never let him help her carry things to his table or with anything, really, and he likes that about her - that no matter how hard things get, she wants to do it on her own.

"I know," he says, because of course he knows. He spends most of his time at the Rebel Alliance just staring at her, of course he knows. He has memorized her little quirks and habits, and the way she holds herself, and he knows all too well. Tentatively, he reaches out with his hand, and when she wraps her small hand around his, he laces their fingers together. It's just because he needs to get used to it, he tells himself, but he can't help the furious beating of his heart as he squeezes her hand, and she squeezes back. "Thank you".

Rey frowns, staring at him with her warm, albeit confused, eyes. "For what?"

He takes a deep breath, before answering, because the way she's staring at him almost makes him lose track of what he was saying just one minute ago.

"For doing this for me," he tells her, and he knows that a _thank you_ is not enough. She's willing to spend days with him, and bear with his annoying family, just because he needed help. She might have trouble accepting the help she deserves, but apparently, she's ready to do all she can to help him and Ben doesn't really understand that, but he's so, so grateful for her presence, and her hand into his, and the way she stares at him, warm and gentle and _Rey_.

She smiles again, softly this time. "Of course," she replies, quietly, and then she's raising to her tiptoes, and she's pressing a kiss right on his cheek, again, as if it was something that normally happened. _It's just acting_ , he tells himself, before his heart can burst out of his chest. "Hey," she adds, as she pulls away. Her fingers are still intertwined with his, and it doesn't look like she wants to let him go anytime soon, which is. Perfect, to Ben. Really. "You're wearing jeans".

He stares at her, then lowers his gaze to his legs, and then stares at her again, unsure of what she's trying to say. "Should I not?" he asks her, in the end, raising his eyebrows.

Rey giggles, bringing her free hand to her mouth to stifle her laughter. "No, no, it's just-" she tries to say, but her shoulders shake and she looks so at ease and happy like this, holding his hand and staring at him, and he kind of wants this for the rest of his life. _Don't get used to it_ , he tells himself. _It's just acting. It's just for a few days_. "I've never seen you wear jeans before".

The domesticity of all of it makes his heart clench. He's holding her hand, and he's wearing casual clothes, and she's smiling at him. They have just finished putting their baggage in the trunk of his car, and if he closes his eyes for a moment, he can pretend they're leaving for a vacation, somewhere far, just the two of them and the whole world in front of them, between kisses and jokes.

He wishes it were the case.

"And don't you find me dashingly attractive?" he asks, teasing, trying his best not to blush. Rey laughs, throwing her head back, and he wishes it were true.

_Well, pretend is better than nothing_ , he tells himself, and then he breathes, deeply, as Rey lets go of his hand.

He has been driving for at least twenty minutes - Rey sitting in the passenger seat with her head against the window, humming along his car radio, drumming with her fingers against her thigh -, when she speaks for the first time. "Why didn't we take a plane?" she asks, turning into his direction. He's focusing on the road, so he can't actually see her expression, but he can almost hear the frown in her voice. "Like any sane person would do".

He presses his lips together, unsure on how to phrase things without looking like the most pathetic child in the whole universe. "Flying makes me anxious," he manages to say, in the end, which is, really, almost an accomplishment, because it doesn't sound _too_ ridiculous. "I tend to avoid things that make me anxious".

_Like my family. And the whole spectrum of human emotions._

Rey chuckles, softly. "So, basically everything?" she asks, and he sighs, his body tensing almost automatically and his hands gripping the wheel to the point of turning his knuckles white. She must have noticed, because she leans in a little bit, and places her hand on his shoulder, lightly, her fingers barely brushing against the fabric of his tee shirt. "Sorry, I was just trying to lighten up the mood," she says, apologetic. He doesn't turn into her direction, but he knows there's a little smile on her lips, and she's trying to make up for her earlier joke. "You are really nervous".

An anxious laughter bubbles in his throat and escapes his lips, as he tries to relax. It's difficult - Rey's hand is still lingering on his shoulder, kind and warm, and he's driving towards Chandrila and his family and a whole week of drama (because _Skywalkers_ , duh) and old memories, and it's difficult. But he tries anyway, because he's not the angry kid he was years ago, and he has learned to let go of it. At least, he wants to believe it.

"Well, I told you. I tend to avoid things that make me anxious, and my family is basically at the top of the list," he tells her, quietly, just the hint of a tired smile around his lips, and Rey smiles too, as her fingers dig into the muscles of his shoulder, almost trying to untie every knot in his back. It feels good. For a moment, Ben wonders why she's doing this, but in the end he comes to the conclusion that ignorance is bliss, and he won't ask himself the same question ever again. It's better this way. He can pretend she's doing this because she wants to, because she cares for him. 

A few seconds pass, and he sighs.

"I'm overreacting, sorry. It's just normal family stuff, I guess. You get me," he adds, casting a glance into her direction for the first time.

Rey bites down on her lip, as her hand falls away. "Mh, sure," is her only comment.

An uncomfortable silence falls in the confined space of his car, and she turns toward the windows again, staring at the road without uttering a word, fidgeting with her hands again. There's something in the line of her shoulders that reminds him of the same tension she always radiates when he says the wrong thing, and he wonders what he has done this time.

Probably existing.

"At least, I can assure you the view is really pretty, it makes the whole road trip worth it," he says, quickly, terrified of having messed everything up once again. Rey doesn't speak and doesn't turn into his direction and he _panics_. "Listen, I'm sorry, I didn't want to force you to share a confined space with me for like, five hours or-"

"Ben," she says, finally. Only his name, but it's enough to stop the waterfall of words tumbling from his lips. She turns into his direction, again, and there's a little smile on her lips. He wants to keep his eyes on the road, but it's very difficult, if she looks at him that way. "Relax, it's fine. I was joking, I don't mind the roadtrip. I'm sorry, I shouldn't tease you when you're nervous".

Her hand finds again its way to his frame, and rests on his thigh, fingers digging into his jeans, her palm pressed against his clothed skin. "Everything's fine," she repeats.

"Okay," he manages to say, a weird high-pitched sound that has Rey chuckling, softly. He's actually surprised he hasn't driven them off the road yet. "Sorry," he adds, trying to think about anything that isn't the proximity of her hand to other parts of himself that would be _too_ interested in this.

Rey laughs again, and moves her hand away, mercifully. Her head rests again the seat as she looks out of the window, and her hair falls in sweet, warm waves around her face. The morning sun shines gently on her, and she looks like a vision, a dream. He wants her to be in his car forever, wants to drive off into the fucking sunset with her, and live happily ever after like in the movies. When she turns to smile at him, his heart goes wild in his chest, and he knows he's screwed.

*

"So," Rey starts, pointing a fry in his direction with a meaningful look. It's past two pm, and they've stopped in a diner along the way to eat something, and Ben has learned that she apparently likes to use her food as weapon of choice. "Tell me about your family".

He takes a bite of his burger, before answering, because if he can put off the moment in which he has to talk about his family, damn right he will. He has managed to put off the conversation for about thirty years, he will do just fine now.

"Feels like something my therapist would say," he jokes, and then he curses himself and he doesn't raise his eyes because what if Rey thinks a therapist is something only crazy people need? What if she wants to call all of this off? What if she doesn't want to see him anymore?

He feels stupid, for sharing so much of himself with her, but truth is, he wants to. He wants her to know him, because she's basically the only person he cares about in this world, and he wants her to know him and _like_ him. He wonders for a minute if Rey even thinks him as a friend, or if it's just in his head.

"You _idiot_ ," she says, and well, at least she's not running away. It's a start, Ben thinks. "Who will be there?"

He presses his lips together, as usual. "Well, my mother".

Rey stares at him, blankly, and he blushes, looking away from her and staring at his burger. 

"Yeah, I know, sorry. I think my uncle Luke will be there if my mother managed to tear him away from the remote corner of the world where he hides for the rest of the year. And I don't know if my father will be there," there's a moment of silence, in which Rey clearly doesn't know what to say, and he's too scared to raise his eyes and read the pity, the sadness in her face. He plays with his fries, wondering if he will ever be able to face his past. "I mean, we don't talk a lot, so I don't know if he was invited in the first place. They are friends now and they are okay. Things are great, actually. Really great," he keeps on rambling, trying to make things easier, to make a blur of the past, because he doesn't want Rey to think about it. "But I suppose it's awkward, attending the wedding of a person you were married to, isn't it?"

She stays in silence for a while, and then she stretches out her hand. Her palm is up, her fingers barely curled, and it reminds him of an invitation. He's too weak to resist it, and he takes her hand, his fingers brushing against the tender skin of her wrist. He can hear her heartbeat, the endless flow of her bloodstream under his fingertips, and it relaxes him.

She exhales, quietly. "It must be weird," she says, after a while, and he can hear the gentle curving of her lips, her hesitant smile as she talks. "I don't think there's a guidebook for handing this kind of things".

He laughs, softly, and finally raises his eyes to stare at her. Rey is smiling, and her eyes are shining as usual, and there's something that looks like fondness on her face.

He swallows. "Exactly," he says, gesturing vaguely with his other hand, scrunching up his nose at the thought. Well, it's not like he can avoid family drama, anyway. It seems to follow him no matter where he goes. "I don't know who else will be there. Probably a bunch of people from my mother's work".

Rey hums, while she bites down a fry, never stop holding his hand for a second. It feels nice - it feels like she's gripping him and pulling him away from his anxious thoughts. "What does your mother do?"

_Fuck_.

At this, he doesn't know how to reply, because, _well_. "She's, uh," _smooth, very smooth, Solo, you're doing great._ "A politician".

Rey frowns a little bit, staring at him. "A politi- wait a minute, you said your mother's name is _Leia_?" He nods, and she tightens her grip on his hand, her fingers almost digging into his wrist as the realization finally dawns on her. It would be almost comical, if not for the look of pure horror in Rey's eyes. "Your mother is Leia Organa? _The_ Leia Organa?"

Ben looks away from her and stares at the wall in front of him. It's painted red, and it's a little ruined. It has cracks in it. It's not really a good wall, but he supposes it's trying to do its best, and that's what matters.

" _Ben_ ".

At a further look, the wall seems to be barely holding it together, which, really, same. "Yes?"

Rey groans. He isn't really looking at her - the wall is drawing all his attention at the moment -, but, out of the corner of his eye, he sees her throwing her head back. " _Fuck_ , Ben," she says, and it surprise him for a moment, because he has never heard her curse, not even in the months they have spent fighting. "But you, I mean, your last name ..."

He keeps on staring at the wall, but the fact that she isn't pulling away makes him less nervous, or at least he think it does. It's hard to evaluate your state of nervousness, when you're an anxious mess every second of your life.

"She kept her name," he explains, briefly, and then he winces, cringing internally. "To be honest, my full name is Benjamin Organa-Solo, but I think you realize now why I don't go by it," he adds, for full disclosure. He has never thought to tell Rey about his mother. How do you even say things like that? _Hey, hi, one black coffee, please, and you know Senator Leia Organa? Yeah, that's my mother. How are you today?_ It's not like he had the chance to talk about it. Not that he wanted to, but still. "Sorry, I think I should have mentioned it".

Rey groans again. "You _think_? When were you going to tell me?" she asks, and then he can hear her breathe, deeply, in and out, as if she was trying really hard to fight the urge to stab him with her fork. She doesn't stop holding his hand, though, which is great. At least she's not _that_ mad. "Okay, it's okay".

He doesn't dare to look at her, so he just hums along, not sure of what to say.

"Sorry, I overreacted," she adds, and, out of the corner of his eye, he watches her let out a deep breath. "Now I get why you're anxious about coming back".

Her tone is lighter, and Ben finally tears his eyes away from the wall, and brings them back on her. She's clearly surprised, but there's a smile on her lips, and her fingers brush against his wrist, gently now. "Yeah," he nods, pressing his lips together. "It's usually quite a lot".

There's a moment of silence, before he speaks again. "But I feel better, knowing you'll be there".

She smiles, and doesn't let go of his hand until they finish eating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come yell at me on [tumblr](http://kylorensx.tumblr.com/) or on [twitter](https://twitter.com/akosmia/)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii! again, thank you for all the support and the enthusiasm for this little story, i am so happy you're enjoying it, and it really means the world to me ♥
> 
> as you can see, the chapter count went up, and it might go even higher, because i've decided to split, where possible, the longest chapters. i figured out that sitting through 11k and more of text is a little bit impratical, even for me to edit, so i'm trying to stick with shorter chapters, if possible, but ... if you know me, you know i'm extremely verbose :D
> 
> also, i'm posting this from my phone (because i got tricked into an awful high school reunion, sucks to be me i guess), so if you spot any mistake, please let me know! i've edited it yesterday on my computer and checked for any formatting mistakes, but i may overlooked some things, so i'm sorry, if there's something wrong i'll fix it as soon as i can!
> 
> thank you for all the support, again ♥

Standing on the front porch of his childhood home is weird as usual.

There's the stinging of old memories flowing through his mind, and he's reminded of all the times he has just stood there, biting back the sobs and the tears as he watched his father leave on his old, battered Falcon. There's the hurt, and the flashes of the last time his father ever walked away from the house to never come back - a rainy day toward the end of October, Halloween had never looked the same to him again - , but there's also something else that tugs at his heart.

A nostalgia. A sense of regret, of countless childhood days gone in a heartbeat, without him being able to savor them, to enjoy the feeling of having a normal family for once. He should be not thinking about it now, but _should_ s have never been his strongest suit and he indulges in the memories like scratching an open wound.

A warm sensation spreads from his hand, and he lowers his gaze, surprised to find fingers brushing against his palm, and curving around his own. A small hand wraps around his wrist, and the pressing of a foreign skin against his is enough to tear him away from the past.

"It's going to be okay," Rey whispers, as his eyes slowly focus on her face. There's a gentle smile on her lips, and her thumb brushes against the back of his hand, reassuring him. _It's just acting_ , he repeat himself, but it feels good anyway.

He nods, breathing in and out. "Yes, it's going to be okay," he tells himself, interlacing his fingers with Rey's. "We're just saying hi. I'll tell her we have a room at the hotel, downtown, and we're tired from the trip, so we'll just leave and come back tomorrow. Is that okay?"

Rey smiles again, squeezing his hand. "Yes, it's okay. Relax, Ben".

Other times, he would have flared up, or reacted badly, yelling at whomever had the brilliant idea to tell him to relax, but it's been years. He likes to think he's getting better at it, and it's _Rey_ , and when she tells him to relax, she does it so sweetly and gently, as if she could understand the inner workings of his mind and she just wanted to help, so he does nothing of the usual things he would have done in this kind of situations. Instead, he smiles back, and stretches out his hand to ring the doorbell.

The ringing sound prolongs itself for a second or two, before he hears approaching footsteps on the other side of the door. Rey squeezes his hand again, and he turns into her direction, studying her. There's the tension in her shoulders he has learned to recognize in these days, even if he can't quite pin it down.

"Are you okay?" he whispers, his thumb drawing small circles on the back of her hand. It's too late to worry about her, he thinks, stupidly. He should have thought it _before_ he brought her here to meet his mother (his mother, the fucking _Senator,_ his mind adds), but Rey smiles at him and nods, still holding his hand.

"I'm just not used to this," she whispers back, and looks away from him, as if he could read something in her eyes. He's confused, and he's not quite sure he can understand what she's saying, but before he can ask her about that, or just study her, hoping to find an answer in the intricate pattern of her freckles, the door finally opens, and everything begins.

He recognizes his mother's perfume before she even steps outside. "Ben, honey!" she exclaims, and the happiness in her voice is enough to be overwhelming - his heart clenches, and he goes tense in her embrace as she holds him. She's so small her head barely reaches his chest, but the energy she pours in her hug is enough to leave him out of breath for a whole second. "You're grown so much!"

He tries to laugh, his arm coming to encircle her fragile shoulders, while he still holds Rey's hand. Rey stares at him over his mother's head, with a little smile on her face, and her eyes are shining, though, this time, the glimmer in the back of that hazel brown of hers is quite different.

"Mom, I'm past thirty years old, I don't think I can still _grow_ ," he says, but he lets his mother have this moment. She deserves it, he thinks.

His mother gives him another tight squeeze, firm and strong as always, before pulling back and glancing at him with a smirk on her face. "Well, then I suppose I've shrank," she replies, but Ben doesn't say anything.

He can't, because he's staring at her, at how different she looks. He asks himself when was the last time he has seen her, and he realizes he doesn't really know. Maybe a year ago, maybe two years ago.

Maybe never, because the face that stares back at him is so different from the one he remembers from his memories.

There are lines on her face, lines that he didn't remember, but there's also a quiet happiness hanging around her, something that was never there in his childhood memories. She's almost glowing, and her eyes on him are impossibly gentle and for the first time ever, he can sigh in relief.  He can breathe again, he can stop worrying about her for a second. She looks - _happy_. His mother looks happy.

Maybe it's really going to be alright.

The thought shakes him to the core, and he can feel his hands tremble a little bit, and his breath hitch on his lips. He wants to say something, but every word he has ever known disappears from his mind, and he's left gaping, staring at his mother's face, and realizing how things have changed while he was sulking in a corner.

Leia, of course, being Leia about it, is gracious enough not to point it out, and lets him grasp the thought, and elaborate in his own time.

"And you must be Rey," she adds, instead, as she turns into Rey's direction, her usual smirk on her lips. Ben realizes with a jolt that he's still holding Rey's hand, but he doesn't want to let go, and Rey seems to share the sentiment, because she tightens her grip on his wrist. "I wish I could say I've heard so much about you, but apparently my son likes to keep secrets from me".

_Because up until this morning I hadn't ever held hands with a girl._

Before he can reply, Rey laughs. She makes it sound natural, and her shoulders shake in her usual way - both graceful and spontaneous, something that never fails to amaze him.

"I'm not surprised, honestly," she replies, and then she lets go of his hand, only to bring her fingers into his hair, combing through the strands, gently. She has done this a few times by now but Ben still has to bite back a whimper, because it feels _so good_. "He's so shy about it, it took him so long before gathering up the courage to talk to me".

He turns into Rey's direction, pouting, while his mother chuckles. "Hey, that's rude," he says, as Rey keeps stroking his hair in gentle movements. "True, of course, but rude".

Leia laughs again, softly and gently, eyeing the both of them as if they're something unexpected, but welcome.

"Yes, that definitely sounds like Ben," she replies, and he blushes, because of course it sounds like Ben, it _was_ Ben. After the disaster of their first encounters - on which he doesn't like to dwell, despite how much his own mind loves to remind him what an asshole he has been -, it took him definitely too long before he could talk to her again. Probably he would have never even tried, if not for her shining eyes and mischievous smile. "Come in. Wait, where is your baggage?"

_Always travelling with me, mom, thank you very much._

Ben frowns, and Rey turns into his direction, confused. Her fingers don't stop pushing through his thick strands, so it's really hard to focus on what his mother is asking, right now. All he can think about is how her hands should be stroking is hair, permanently, and fist at it in other occasions. _Fuck, not now, you idiot._

"In the car?" he says, confused, not following his mother's thought process. As if he ever had - he has always felt like his mother was at least three steps ahead of him, turning to stare at him and hurry him along.

As expected, she gives him a Look. A Look specific enough to have a capital L. The same Look she has always given him - a mixture of exasperation, confusion and fondness, a Look that comes from having had to deal with him for over thirty years and getting used to it. "Then why don't you pick it up, honey, so we bring it into your room?"

The confusion doesn't leave - instead, it settles on his shoulders, mixed with a vague sense of dread in the pit of his stomach.

"Our room?" he asks. Rey is being strangely silent, as she stares at the two of them, and he knows she's still there only by the small movements of her fingers through his hair, maybe trying to calm him. "We have a room at the hotel," he adds, because his mother seems to have trouble grasping this concept.

They do not have a room at the hotel. They have _two_ rooms, separately, because he didn't think he could handle sleeping in the same room as Rey without bursting up into fucking confetti or melting into a puddle, but he says nothing of that.

His mother waves her hand, dismissively. "Nonsense," she says, and it almost feels like a command. "I've cancelled your reservation. They had even messed it up, there were two rooms instead of one!"

_Yes, there were two rooms for a fucking reason._

"Your childhood room will do okay".

Ben pales. No, it won't do okay. He will have to share it with Rey - beautiful and breathtaking Rey, who stares at him with stars in her eyes and makes his heart thump in his chest when she smiles at him. He can't share a room with Rey. He can't sleep next to her or wake up next to her or do all the things normal people do. He's going to _die_. He's going to burst into flames as soon as they settle in his old room, which, to think about it, is probably still decorated with posters from his teenage years, so. Really. _No_.

" _Mom_ ," he tries to protest. He knows he sounds like a whiny teenager, and he probably is one, because he feels like a sixteen year old forced to share a small, confined space with his crush. Which is definitely not ideal.

His mother turns into his direction with a small smile. " _Ben_ ," she replies, mocking him with the same tone he has used. "I haven't seen you in _years_. I'd like my son to be there, under the same roof, while I get married. Is that too much to ask?"

What can he say to that? _No, thank you, my pretend girlfriend and I will be very much uncomfortable sharing a room, so we're just going to head out and see you tomorrow, have a good evening_? Does he have any choice? Did he ever had one in the first place, when it came to his mother?

Rey's hand settles at the nape of his neck, fingers digging under the collar of his tee-shirt, brushing against his skin and bringing him back to reality by painfully reminding him of why he shouldn't share a room with her.

"Sweetheart, it's okay," she murmurs, gently. Her voice is almost a caress and it's clear that she's trying to calm him, but it's very difficult, if her fingers keep on digging into his skin. He'll have to tell her that. "Sorry," she adds, turning to face his mother, who's staring at the two of them with a curious expression on her face. "It was my idea. The hotel, I mean. I didn't want to impose".

Ben doesn't know how she manages to be so casual about it, so natural at it, but he's very glad she is, because she's basically saving his ass here. Or - not really, because this will mean he'll have to share a room with her, but at least they're not blowing this whole thing from the start right in front of his mother.

Leia smiles, and waves her hand again, but this time is gentler, and there's a surprise in the back of her eyes. Ben doesn't know how he even notices that, because all he can think about are Rey's fingers on his skin, and the fact that his childhood room has clearly just one fucking bed, but he catches the way she smiles, happily, as if Rey had just performed something incredible. Which is how he always feels when Rey's involved, but - he didn't think his mother would feel the same.

In retrospective, he should have foreseen it.

"You're welcome here, dear," his mother says, stretching out her hand to grasp Rey's. He notices the way Rey's breath hitches on her lips and he wonders if she's surprised by the firm, strong grip of Leia's fingers. People like to imagine her frail and weak, but she's - well, she's a fighter, and stronger than anyone would expect. That's how she survived politics, she used to say, when Ben was a child, and he has never doubted her. "I know we've just met, but you're Ben's girlfriend, and this is your house too".

There's a moment in which he thinks Rey's going to run away. Her hand stills, fingers abruptly stopping drawing patters against his skin, and she goes completely silent. Ben wonders if she's assessing the situation, and the possible escape routes. But then she nods, biting down on her lips and swallowing. He asks himself if this is so hard for her.

It should be. She did not sign up for this.

He feels guilty.

"Thank you," Rey says, and her voice is almost tremulous and insecure, as if she was upset, somehow.

And of course she is - she has to share a room with him, only because he was stupid enough not to visit his mother more often. God, this whole situation is fucked up.

"Hey, sweetheart," she adds, turning into his direction. Her fingers find their way into his hair again, pushing the strands back from his forehead with kindness. _Don't whimper, you idiot, don't whimper._ "Why don't you retrieve our baggage from the car? I'm sure there will be compromising photos of you on the walls your mother will like to show me while we'll reach your room, and I want to spare you the embarrass".

Leia laughs, he blushes, and then he follows her lead, because of course he does.

*

By the time he retrieves their suitcases and climbs the stair holding them - a task that's not exactly easy even for him, but he accepts it -, he finds his mother and Rey in his room, chatting and giggling. The initial tension has broken down, and Rey seems to pay no attention to the fact that she's Senator Organa, which is, really, great.

If only they weren't laughing about him.

"That was his first day of kindergarten," his mother is saying, pointing at a photo on his desk, when he steps into his old room. He hasn't been there in a long time, but it has not changed a little bit. There's still his old My Chemical Romance poster hanging over the bed, the Smiths one on the opposite wall, and the old CD case on his library, with the CDs he has left behind before leaving for college. "He was so _tense_. By the end of the day he had cried almost four times, and when we went to pick him up he fell asleep in the car instantly".

Rey giggles. It's a nice sound, even if it makes him blush.

"I am here, you know," Ben says, trying to act as if the thought didn't embarrass him. He leaves the suitcases by the door, and gives Rey a tentative smile. She smiles back, and there's no trace of the same tension of a few minutes before. He's glad of that. "And by the way, I cried only three times, and the second time I was totally justified, because some kid had stolen my snack".

He doesn't look at the photo - he remembers it all too well. A scrawny kid with crooked baby teeth and giant ears, staring back at him. He wonders what Rey thinks of it, but then he decides he doesn't want to know.

His mother laughs, coming to pat his shoulders. She doesn't really reach them, but she tries anyway, because she's Leia, and God forbid she doesn't try, and even if he's grown so much, it's clear he's always the same little kid in her eyes.

"Of course, honey," she says, mocking him, but it feels - _nice_. His mother drives him mad and pushes him into situations he doesn't know how to handle - see: sharing a room with Rey - but he loves her, despite everything, and he loves her sense of humor and the way she teases him. "Amilyn is coming back from work in a few minutes. I'll leave you to settle and then we'll have dinner together".

There's a small moment of silence, before his mother hugs him again, not minding Rey's presence. "I'm so glad you're back," she says, and he's almost thrown off by this, because his mother, while being affectionate and blatant in her display of affection, has never been like this. He brings his arm around her, and awkwardly pats her back, making her laugh.

He clears his throat. "I'm glad too," he says. He is, in a way. His family makes him question his sanity, but he loves his mother and seeing her so happy is making his heart clench, but also soar. It's a bittersweet feeling - he could make her this happy more often, he thinks, but now it's not the time to think about what he could have done better.

When his mother leaves, closing the door behind her with a smirk, he flops on the bed, letting out a shuddering breath as he takes his head between his hands. It feels weird to be here after so many years, and it feels weird to be here with Rey, forced to share this room with her. He eyes her small frame. She's silently staring out of the window as he tries to breathe again, and he wonders what she's thinking about.

Surely about how this whole situation slipped out of their hands almost immediately.

"You have a swing," she says, as a matter of fact. Ben turns into her direction, frowning in confusion, and he finds her still at his window, staring at something he can't see from there. "You have a swing. In your backyard. A swing".

She's probably talking about the old swing set from his childhood days. It surprises him to know that it's still there - he hasn't thought about it in years. He still remembers when his father used to push him, and he used to ask him to make him fly. His father used to call him his _little_ _starfighter_. It'll be probably rusty by now, he thinks. As his whole relationship with his father, his mind adds, bitterly.

"Yes?" he says, in the end. Rey is still staring out of the window, so he can't really see her expression. He wonders if she's still upset, and she's trying not to show it. She has every right to be - she didn't agree to this, whatever this is. 

"You have a swing in your backyard, that's- I can't believe it," she's still saying, and there's a hint of surprise in her words, as if the notion was hard to grasp for her. "I didn't even have a _backyard_ ," she adds. She crosses her arms over her chest, but she keeps on staring out of the window, as if the sight was so captivating she couldn't take her eyes off of it.  "I had to fight off kids in the park for my five minutes on the swing".

The thought makes him laugh. He can imagine Rey, small and fragile looking, but as fierce and wild as usual even as a child, baring her teeth and daring anyone to come and take the swing from her. It makes him forget the whole situation for a minute, and he finds himself smiling, despite everything.

"I'm sure you won every time," he comments, and Rey laughs, softly. He looks at her again, surprised, because he's amazed he can still do that, despite - well, this.

"Of course I did," she replies, smug and self-assured, and then she turns into his direction, her smile not faltering even for a little bit as she takes in the whole room with eyes that, to Ben, look almost hungry.

He wonders again what she's thinking about - he finds himself staring at her, captivated by the way she smiles, a mystery he dies to solve.

"God, this place is _huge_. It's bigger than my whole apartment, I can't believe-" her gaze focuses on him, and then she knits her brows together, her lips almost vanishing in a thin line as she stares at him. There's a hint of confusion in her face, and worry in her eyes. "Hey, are you okay?"

Ben sighs. He supposes he has to do this, despite not really wanting to. It's not like he can put off an apology any longer. She deserves it - she deserves an out, too, but he can't give her that now. Not with his mother beaming downstairs, not without messing it even more up. God, why does everything involving him turns into a fuck up? That's some sort of talent, he thinks. "I'm sorry".

Rey knits her brows again, even more confused. "For what?"

Ben doesn't know how to explain it, or how to apologize. Despite being his standard reaction to being himself, he's not great at it - his apologies are stiff and his vocabulary is poor, and it feels like he's trying to speak a language he doesn't really know. Being sorry is more like a state of mind, than a thing he knows how to do.

"This," he gestures vaguely at the room. Rey doesn't say anything, so he sighs, and continues again, because he owes her a better apology than whatever that was. "I didn't know she'd react this way. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, sharing this room with me. I can find a solution, I'll sleep on the floor, I'm _so_ sorry, Rey, I really-"

"Ben" .

Two steps are all it takes for her to reach him at the edge of the bed. He's sitting down, and she's standing right in front of him, but even like this, Ben is tall enough to be able to stare her into her eyes by tilting his head backwards. Her eyes are hazel and warm as usual, glittering with something that he doesn't know how to name.

"If I were uncomfortable with it, I wouldn't have proposed this idea in the first place. It's _okay_ ," she tells him, gently, and in a matter of seconds, she cups his face into her hands, thumbs stroking his jaw in slow, deliberate movements. He has never had anyone to touch him like that, so he shivers, and closes his eyes at the intensity of all of it. A few seconds pass like this. "Are you uncomfortable with it?" she adds, uncertainty in her voice as he feels her gaze on him.

Is he uncomfortable? Truth be told, he doesn't know - it all feels _so much_ , like a waterfall of sensations cascading on him out of the blue and he's not prepared for it in the slightest, but he's not really uncomfortable. He wouldn't, not when it's about Rey. She is probably the only person in the whole world who hasn't ever made him feel awkward or faulty. That doesn't mean that he won't burst into confetti thinking about sharing a room with her, but it's not that bad, in the end.

"No, I mean," he takes a deep breath, as her hand smoothes his hair. "I'm not. Not with you".

He opens his eyes only to find her staring at him with a smile on her lips, and her eyes full of wonder, as if he had just done something extraordinary.

"Then stop stressing over these little things," she tells him, fingers combing through his hair. He's trying to get used to it, but it's still so new and delicate and intense at the same time, and he sighs, in spite of everything. "It's okay, Ben".

He knows she's only trying to help, so he doesn't yell at her for telling him to stop stressing about things, as if it was something he could do, something he could just turn off. He knows she _knows_ , in a way, and she's only telling him that to make him relax and melt into her. He's wound so tight he feels on the verge of exploding, and he knows she's right.

"If I don't stress over the little things, I'm going to stress over basically everything else and I don't want to do that," he tells her, instead, and Rey laughs, quietly. She's not mocking him, she's just - laughing, because he has said something that she finds funny, somehow. It's still so weird.

"Sweetheart, you have to relax," she tells him, sweetly. Her voice is low, and calm, and he wants to hide his face into her chest and close his eyes, as her whispered words lull him to sleep and her fingers card through his hair.

It feels so _nice_. She calls him sweetheart, and Ben's heart flutters, and he knows it means nothing, it's just something that has stuck from before, it has just slipped, it's just acting, but he dies to hear her say it again, and again, and again, as she wraps her arms around his frame, muttering the word against his skin. He's so, so _screwed_.

"It's going to be okay".

He nods, his face still between her hands. "It's just," he gestures vaguely again, and presses his lips together, not really sure of how to explain it. "Overwhelming".

Just being there, in his childhood room, knowing his mother is downstairs, and knowing he has to face everything he has left behind is overwhelming. He's not sure he remembers how to breathe, but Rey smiles at him, and her thumb brushes against his cheekbone, gently. It feels like her touch is rewriting his anxious thoughts, quieting them for a moment.

"I know," she says, and when she does, it doesn't feel like a sympathetic but empty word. It feels like she _does_ know, somehow, and Ben can't help himself.

He tries to fight it, but in the end he sighs, and rests his head against her chest, breathing in her flowery scent, and letting the sound of her heartbeat calm him. Rey seems surprised for a moment, breath hitching on her lips, but she doesn't stop stroking his hair, and that feels - good. Relaxing. Easy and natural, as if they had done this a million times before.

Her voice is gentle, and calming. "It's just a couple of days. We'll face everything together and then we'll head out to Coruscant again".

_As nothing ever happened,_ he almost hears, unspoken words that resonate within the four walls of his old room, and he sighs against her tee-shirt, because, the truth is-

He can't even say it to himself.

He nods, against her chest. "Okay," he whispers back. He wants to apologize for his behavior, but he can't find the right words that won't make all of this awkward, so he breathes in and out, letting her push back a few strands of hair, delicate fingers tugging at it in the sweetest way.

He likes it. He can't _have_ this, but the thought doesn't stop him from leaning into her touch and hum, gently, as she scratches his scalp.

"Thank you," he adds, as he finally pulls away from her and looks up to catch her gaze.

She's smiling, as usual. There's something magical in the curve of her smile, and it reassures him for a moment. This whole thing - the wedding, his family, his old room - may be overwhelming, like coming back to a war he now realizes he has never stop fighting, but she's there in the trench with him, and she's holding his hand and guiding him through it. She's - _here_. Which means a lot to him.

"Stop thanking me, you big nerd," she says, giving him a smirk. She finally lets him go, her hands falling at her sides, but then she's giggling and shaking, her gaze fixed on something behind him, and he frowns. Rey catches his expression, because she tries to calm herself, not really succeeding at it. He's not complaining - this feels nicer than everything that's ever happened today. "That's Abba's Greatest Hits," she points out, nodding into the direction of his old CD case.

He blushes, as she stalks toward his library to browse into his old possessions and retrieve the CD she's talking about. _Of course_ , he thinks. "Yes, it is".

Rey can't stop giggling, and he doesn't know why she finds it so hilarious, but it's actually nice to see her like this, so he doesn't even try to make her stop. It's not like she's mocking him, and even if she were, he'd accept it. He's come to the conclusion that Rey could drive a knife right into his heart, and he'd accept that too. And, after all, he's too old to fight about his taste in music anyway. "You like ABBA?"

He shrugs, not really sure of where this is going. "Who doesn't?" he asks, and when Rey starts to giggle again, he frowns in confusion. " _What_?"

She shakes her head, covering her mouth with her hand. She looks so beautiful like this he isn't even able to block that thought. "Nothing," she says, and then she nods into the direction of the My Chemical Romance poster hanging over his bed. "It's just ... you look like the kind of person who cries over Welcome to the Black Parade daily".

"Hey, I don't cry," he tells her, offended. "I get _emotional_ ".

Rey doesn't stop giggling for a while, and the sounds melts the rest of his anxiety away, and the thought of his family is almost bearable, after all.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen. abba is the greatest band in history, you can't change my mind. 
> 
> i have a [tumblr](http://kylorensx.tumblr.com/) and a [twitter](https://twitter.com/akosmia) if you want to chat or cry about reylo with me ♥


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyy! i am so blown away by all the positive response to this little story, thank you so much!! it really means the world to me and you all definitely make my day ♥

Miss Holdo - Amilyn, he tells himself, because she's about to marry his mother and he can't keep calling her Miss Holdo for the rest of his life, despite how much a part of him would like to - Amilyn is back by the time they make their way downstairs.

He can hear her turn the key in the front door with practice, and talk with his mother, her voice gentle and musical as always, and out of instinct he reaches for Rey's hand as they walk into the kitchen.

Rey laces their fingers together without even missing a beat, as if she had spent her whole life doing just that. It's just acting, he tells himself, but it feels nice, and he isn't going to deprive himself of that. She squeezes his hand, and Ben leans into her, letting her warmth bleed through him.

"Ben! My goodness, you've grown," Amilyn says. She's still turned in his mother's direction, and there's still a smile on her lips, easy and sweet and all too intimate, and between that and her words it's almost too much. He can't do this, he thinks, he can't do this while being reminded at every step he has not showed up in so long, he can't do this-

Rey squeezes his hand again, and her thumb comes to brush against his knuckles, gently, bringing him back to reality.

He sighs. "I can assure I didn't," he replies, in the end, as he awkwardly makes his way towards Amilyn. He doesn't know what to do - do they hug? Do they shake hands? Do they exchange kisses on the cheeks? What's the protocol for acknowledging someone you've known your whole life and that now is about to marry your mother? Is there even one?

Luckily, Amilyn seems to be more prepared about it than him, and she hugs him in a heartbeat, sweet and tender as she used to be back when he was a child, patient as ever with him even when he was an angry teenager.

"It's so good to see you, Ben," she whispers, pulling back with a smile. Her eyes are the same shade of piercing blue he remembers, and her hair is still improbably lilac, but there are lines on her face, and he's left asking himself the same question all over again. It can't be that long since he last visited, can it be? "We missed you".

Ben presses his lips together, trying to ignore the heavy feeling on his chest threatening to make him lose his mind. Instead, he focuses on Rey's hand in his, and the gentle sound of her breath, rhythmic and calming.

"It's good to see you too, Amilyn," he says, trying to smile. He can notice the way her eyes widen for a moment, but before she can say anything (maybe thanking him for using her name or maybe embarrassing him about it, he doesn't know and he doesn't want to give himself a chance to find out), he turns into Rey's direction and smiles at her, sweetly. Rey smiles back, a thread of light illuminating his thoughts. "I believe you haven't met yet. Rey, this is Amilyn. Amilyn, this is Rey".

There's a small pause, before he utters the next words, and it feels more poignant than it should be. "My girlfriend".

Rey is quick as always, almost as if she had spent her whole life preparing for this role. "Nice to meet you, I'm so happy to finally meet Ben's family," she says, extending her free hand, with a smile so bright it could outshine every light in this universe. She's always been something brilliant, but the way she puts herself together, in this moment, is extraordinary. She sounds so - _earnest_. As if she weren't acting at all. Ben wishes it were true.

Amilyn shakes Rey's hand with the usual grace, fixing her blue eyes on her with a smile. "Nice to meet you too, Rey. Leia was telling me all about this charming young woman Ben had brought with him. Apparently, he wanted to surprise us," she smirks in Ben's direction and, pretty obviously, he blushes and averts his eyes, all too aware of their gaze on him. He stares at his mother, behind Miss Holdo, but she smirks too, and apparently they are not going to let him live this down. "I'm sorry I was late, work was busy as always".

Somehow, Ben finds himself sitting at the kitchen table, with Rey leaning on him and resting between his legs, her arm wrapped around his shoulders as she plays with his hair, so absentmindedly he wonders if she even knows she's doing it. She flashes him a smile, as she speaks, and it feels easier than it should be, passing his arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him, resting his head against her side. He tries his best not to whimper when he feels her lean into him.

"Oh, Ben never mentioned what you do," Rey says, glancing down and pretending to give him a scolding look.

Behind them, Leia laughs. "Because then he would have to explain why he's in Coruscant in the first place," she deadpans, and Ben tenses under Rey's fingers, muscle turning into marble as he sucks in a breath. He knew this was coming, but still.

_This was a mistake, family is a mistake_.

He tenses, but then Rey's hand finds its way into his hair again, fingertips rubbing his scalp in a soothing manner, and she doesn't inquire, she doesn't ask, she just lets that comment rest, an unspoken thing blooming between the two of them. He will have to explain what his mother meant, sooner or later, but for now she doesn't seem to mind, and Ben is grateful. He's grateful she's so understanding, and he's grateful she's there, holding him. He couldn't imagine doing this without her calming presence, and for a moment all he can think about is her, the way she smiles, the way she reassures him. He'd like her to be around forever, but that's just not possible, isn't it?

Amilyn clears her throat, trying to dissipate the tension. It feels almost natural, and it reminds him of the past, when his mother and him used to scream at each other, and Amilyn managed somehow to defuse it all with a smile and a kind touch.

"I run a law firm," she explains, briefly, and Ben knows Rey is doing the math, putting his mother's comment and the countless cases she has seen him work on and this new information together, but miraculously, she doesn't press him for answers. She just lets him be, stroking his hair and leaning into him, her body warm against his. Ben thinks he doesn't deserve this, but he's not going to complain.

"Oh, that must be so tiring," she replies, her tone light and easy. The tension he felt in his bones is slowly melting away as Rey's gentle fingers cards through his hair, and Ben can finally breathe again. "Ben is always on the verge of a nervous breakdown when he gets out of work, aren't you, sweetie?" she adds, lowering her gaze and smiling at him.

Well, that's true. But that's basically his standard reaction to - well, existing, so that's not saying much.

Leia comes joining them, putting an arm around Amilyn's waist with ease. It hits him all of sudden, and it reminds him that this is really happening. It's not actually new - he remembers the first times they had danced around each other, awkwardly, and, despite everything, he's happy to notice how easy it's for them to be around each other now, no fear or doubt in the back of their eyes, but it's still surprising.

"What do you do, Rey?" his mother asks.

Rey's smile falters a bit, as she cards her fingers through his hair, looking away from his mother and staring right in front of her. Out of instinct, Ben tightens his grip on her hips, and she lets out a weirdly shuddering breath. She seems ... upset, which is definitely not something he has seen often - Rey is always so cheery and hopeful, it's weird to see her like this. But he doesn't want her to hide anything, so he pulls her in his embrace, his thumb stroking her hip almost automatically, over her clothes.

She lets him do it, and leans into him, when she replies. "Oh, it's nothing. I just work in a coffee shop," she says, shrugging. He can see her cheek redden, and she tenses up a bit in his arms, even if she tries not to show it, still smiling at his family. It takes him a moment to understand her, even if she's not speaking - she feels _mortified_.

His mother is a fucking Senator, her girlfriend runs a law firm and he's working for the First Order, and all of this - she's probably at loss here. He remembers the way she had pointed out at the swing in his garden, telling him she didn't even get to have a backyard, and he feels so _guilty_. He has dragged her into this, she's feeling inadequate _because of him_.

It's almost immediate. He rests his head against her shoulders, and presses a kiss right into her clothed skin. "Now, don't be modest, sweetheart," he whispers, tender and affectionate, as if - as if it was spontaneous, to him. Maybe it is. He can't dwell on that, not now. He _can't._ "You're, like, heaven sent".

He pulls away slightly, moving Rey around so she can sit on his lap, and then smiles up at his family. Rey makes no protest, as she gets comfortable on his legs, her arm wrapped around his shoulders for purchase, and she looks at ease here, her small frame tucked around his, like - like she belonged there. There's a surprised expression twisting her features, but when he meets her eyes, he gives her a small, comforting smile, and she smiles too.

"She makes the best cookies I've ever eaten. Seriously, they're delicious," he adds and, before he can talk himself out of it, he presses another kiss to her skin, this time to her temple. He can swear he sees her eyes flutter shut at the contact, but maybe he's imagining things. "We must bring some next time, darling".

His mother is taken aback by his uncharacteristic display of affection, so she doesn't say anything. She just stares at the two of them, and there's something in the back of her eyes - something that looks like happiness. Ben doesn't dwell on that either, because this can't last, and he can't get involved like that and he can't think about making her happy because this is just pretend and his mother is going to have her heart broken about it, but it's very difficult to remember all of it, with Rey perched up on his lap, her fingers digging into the thin fabric of his tee-shirt and her face all too close to his.

He could kiss her like this.

He could. It's not like his family would protest at that, because for all they know, she's his girlfriend. And it's not like Rey would protest at that either, because, well, they're trying to pull this off and while they didn't ever mention kissing, if the situation calls for it, he doesn't think she'd oppose it. He could really kiss her. The awareness of it makes him tremble, and it shakes him to the core as it settles in his stomach.

It's Amilyn, who brings them back to reality. She clears her throat again, and looks at them with a little smile on her face. "That's how you met? In your coffee shop?"

Rey gives him one final look, before bringing her eyes on Amilyn again, and he's left staring at her, breathless, because _holy fuck what was that_. He can't kiss Rey - she doesn't want to kiss him, no matter how affectionate she's acting. It's not real and he shouldn't take advantage of this. He shouldn't take advantage of her, _fuck_.

"Well, yes," he hears her saying. Her smile is back on her face, and her fingers are drawing lazy patterns over his clothed shoulder, and he tries to relax and not to think about her lips, right there, curved in that playful smile of hers he knows so well. It's not easy. "The first time I've ever saw him he was so gloomy and broody. Handsome, yes, but you know, so grumpy. He ordered his pretentious black coffee-"

He chuckles, resting his head against her shoulder. "It's not pretentious," he tells her, and, because at least this is permitted, he presses a kiss right on her skin. "It's an acquired taste".

Rey's eyes flutter shut for a second as she turns into his direction, and he wonders if he has done something wrong, if kissing her skin when not strictly necessary is - bad. Then, she opens her eyes again in a matter of a second, and her fingers come to tug at his hair again.

"We already had this conversation. It _is_ pretentious," he doesn't protest, because he's too busy biting back a moan. He has to tell her not to do that. Not in front of his family, at least, because he doesn't want them to know how touch starved he is. "Anyway, apparently I did something wrong because he started to yell at me and say that if they started to hire incompetents like me the café would surely fail. He was so worked up he stormed out leaving the coffee there".

His mother laughs. "That sounds like Ben," she comments, and the thing is - it sounds like Ben because it _is_ Ben. Because that's not the story they have planned on her couch, that's - that's the truth. That's the reality of their first encounter, and he doesn't know why Rey isn't sticking to her script, but he feels a rush of blood on his face as he blushes, thinking about that first day more than one year ago. He hadn't think he had to revive that, but apparently Rey enjoys his embarrass, because she laughs too.

"Then, next time he was there, I dragged him behind the counter and told him to make his own coffee if he was so good-"

He whines, his head falling on her shoulder as she tells her story. "Rey, can you not embarrass me in front of my family?" he asks, but she laughs again, and her body shakes under him.

"Not a chance," she replies and when she turns into his direction, staring down at him, she looks almost - radiant. As if the memory of him telling her awful things was something she treasured in her mind.

He groans, but he's not really annoyed with her. He couldn't, ever. For all he cares, Rey could embarrass him daily and he'd still stare at her with awe in his eyes. "You're terrible".

His mother laughs again. It's not a mocking laughter, so he'll take it. It could be worse, he tells himself. It could be worse. "Let me guess, he fucked up".

Rey nods. "He broke the espresso machine," she tells, and the way Amilyn and his mother laugh is - well, there are no words to convey their amusement, really. His cheeks are on fire, and he wants to hide, but Rey is telling the whole story with a smile on her face, as if she found it really funny, and somehow tender. He wants to know what she's really thinking about right now, but he also think that not knowing is better. "I swear, I have worked for like, a year there, and I have never witnessed something like that. He was so red and embarrassed I thought he was going to explode. He kept apologizing".

His family doesn't stop laughing, so he groans again, pressing another kiss on Rey's shoulder, because, well, why not at this point. "Thanks, sweetheart," he tells her, irony dripping from his words. Rey laughs again, and turns into his direction, maneuvering her small body on his lap until she cups his face with her hands.

She presses a kiss to his cheek. "You were so cute," she says, and her eyes shine, her usual glimmer in the back of that hazel of hers. She looks - almost happy. "I think I kind of fell in love with you there, despite you being a total jerk," she adds. The smile she gives him seems almost real - tender, sweet, affectionate. _Loving_.

He wants to tell her his mother can't really see her right now, so she doesn't have to act. He wants to tell her she is beautiful. He wants to tell her he was stupid and awkward and dumbstruck by her beauty, that first day in the Rebel Alliance a year ago. He wants to tell her he really wants to kiss her. All the words die on his lips as she stares at him like that.

He'd sell his soul, to have this moment stretch to infinity.

"Then how did you start dating?" Amilyn asks, bringing them in the real world again.

"Well, that's the best part," Rey says, turning again to face his family. The ease with which she sits in his lap almost amazes him and it takes all his willpower not to whimper like the idiot he is. Why did he think it was a good idea to have her in his lap like this? Stupid, stupid Ben. "A week later, he entered the coffee shop with a new espresso machine under his arm and tried to apologize, so I gave him a plate of cookies, a coffee and my number".

She did give him a plate of cookies and a coffee. She didn't give him her number and he could have never asked.  But it's okay - somehow they have found their way around each other in the end, even if that means being friends. Ben is okay with it, most of the times.

"It took him a long time before he managed to ask me out or even talk to me," Rey adds, turning to stare at him with a little smile. Her fingers wrap around his hair again, gently. "But here we are now".

Ben really wants to kiss her. Ben is screwed.

*

"I'm sorry," Rey whispers, as they enter his room. He doesn't bother to turn up the lights, so he can't really see her face, but he turns into her direction anyway, frowning in confusion. She must read into his silence, because she speaks again. "For embarrassing you. I don't know why I told them that story".

He chuckles, quietly, closing the door behind them. The only light in the room is coming from his window, and it gives Rey almost a faint halo, bathing her in the moonlight. "It's okay," he replies, guiding her through the darkness towards his bed. He tries not to think about his fingertips brushing against the bare skin of her arms. "I mean, it's surely more believable than whatever we had thought about".

The bed creaks a little as she sits on it, and he can see her biting down her lips. She's thinking, he realizes, and he wonders when exactly he picked up all her mannerisms and her quirks, to know her so well. He wants to take her face into his hands, brush his thumb against her lips and tell her to stop thinking, but he can't do that. That's - that's not allowed.

"I am sorry, though. I should have asked," she says, fidgeting with her hands. He turns his back on her, so he isn't tempted to stretch out his hands and curve his fingers around her wiry wrists. "I panicked. I am not used to this".

There's a moment of silence, in which he tries to find the right words to soothe her. It feels like she always knows what to say, how to calm him, how to make him boneless right beneath her gentle touch, but he's always stumbling upon his words, a child who has barely learnt how to speak. "You made them happy," he says, in the end, pressing his lips together to avoid telling her she has made him happy too. "You were perfect. They already love you".

Before he can say something stupid, he reaches for his old closet. It's hard to find something in the dark, but he doesn't try to turn on the lights, because that would mean looking at Rey's face, and trying not to blush, and that's not something he can do right now.

He can hear her chuckle, low and soft. "I like them too, they're- wait, what are you doing?"

Ben, duvet and pillow in his arms, closes with his shoulders the doors of his closet and turns to face Rey with his eyebrows raised. "What do you think I'm doing?" he asks, perplexed, as he places the duvet at the foot of the bed. "I'm making my bed".

He can hear Rey's confusion almost as if it was a living thing. "Ben, don't be stupid," she says, sweetly. "We can share the bed. I mean, I don't think I take that much space".

No, they can't share the bed. Rey can, apparently, because she does not want to kiss him or hold him or do other things he's currently trying not to think about, but he can't. He can't, unless he wants to die, so he brings a hand at the back of his neck, rubbing it, nervously.

"No, uh, I mean," _smooth as always, Ben_. "Let's not share the bed".

She stays in silence for a whole minute, and Ben can hear his heart thumping against his chest in irregular beats.

"Oh," Rey says, simply.

There's another moment of silence in which he asks himself if he has done something wrong, because she's not speaking and there's some sort of awkward tension between the two of them, and that's terrible, he doesn't know how to handle that.

But then, the bed creaks again, and she's suddenly in front of him, snatching the pillow from his hands and looking at him. The moonlight barely shines on her face, but he can see the hint of a smile. "At least, take the bed. I can sleep on the floor".

He retrieves the pillow. "No," he says, sternly, staring at Rey with a frown on his face. She can't sleep on the floor - this is his fault, he won't let her sleep on the floor because of it.

She sighs, throwing her head back. "Come on, Ben. It's your bed, I'm not going to kick you out of it," she says, and she goes for the pillow again. He has the presence of mind to lift it up where she can't reach him, and he hears her groan.

And then, before he can say anything, she grabs a fistful of his shirt and pulls him down, trying to reach the pillow. He's so shocked by her closeness - he can smell her perfume, a flowery scent that makes him shiver, and something that reminds him of the tea she always brings him - that he barely registers her attempt to snatch the object from his hand.

"Besides," she adds, still so dauntingly close, as she raises on her tiptoes to try and reach the pillow. "I think only one of us is actually used to sleep on the floor, and that's not you, for sure".

He doesn't think he can still speak, but the word finds its way around his lips all the same. "What?"

Rey doesn't seem to mind his surprised expression, and her hand travels from his chest to his shoulders, gripping his muscles for purchase as she stretches out her arm. Her fingers finally curve around the pillow and she lets out a delighted squeak. "I slept on the floor for my whole childhood, you idiot," she says, as she grabs the pillow and snatches it from him, again. "I can do it again".

He's so surprised he doesn't even protest. She finally lets go of his shoulders and pulls away, but she stands in front of him with a satisfied smile on her lips, as if she had just won a contest. The pillow lies in her arms, but Ben can't think about anything else except her words.

His heart tightens at the thought, even if he doesn't know why. "No," he whispers. It's not as stern as before - it feels almost like a pleading, on his lips, and he brings his hand on the pillow again, brushing against her fingers as he does. "No. Let me do this. Please".

He doesn't know why the idea of Rey sleeping on the floor for her whole childhood makes him so - so _weak_. But he thinks about her comments on the swing, about the way she has tensed when his mother has asked what she does for a living, and now this, and it's almost unbearable.

She seems taken aback by him. The playful smile disappears from her face, and there's a faint blush on her cheeks, maybe realizing how much she has shared. Ben doesn't know why, but - he doesn't want her to sleep on the floor. Easy as that. He didn't want it before, and he doesn't know. That's the end of the story.

She lets go of the pillow, giving him a small smile, and then turning her back on him. "Okay. You can take the floor," she says. Her voice is detached, and it almost feels like she's trying to contain all she's feeling inside her small frame, so it doesn't spill it out. "But don't complain if tomorrow your back will hurt. I warned you".

Before he can stop himself, he throws the pillow on the floor. He takes a step into her direction, and in a heartbeat his arms are around her waist, pulling her close to him. She's surprised, but she doesn't tense, and she lets him rest his forehead against her shoulder. His back hurts like this, but he doesn't care, because Rey is real and soft against him, and she doesn't try to break away. Instead, after a moment, she melts into him, and her back is warm against his chest.

"Thank you," he whispers. He can feel the stinging of tears in his eyes, so he closes them, and breathes her in, hoping her presence can calm his nerves.

He can feel her giggle, and her body shivers in his arms. "You're seriously thanking me for letting you sleep on the floor?" she asks, but her tone is gentle, and her hand travels down until it reaches his. She intertwines their fingers for a minute, and he doesn't say anything, because he doesn't know how. In the end, she sighs, pulling away from him, and he lets her go, because holding her like this should not be allowed. "Wow, that's a lot of trophies here".

She points out to the corner of his room, where trophies from science fairs and spelling competitions are scattered on his drawer, clearly visible even in the faint light coming from the window. He knits his brows a little and maybe he's starting to understand her, piece by piece, because somehow he knows she's doing that thing again - the one when she pretends to be okay, and talks about trivial matters to avoid a subject she doesn't want to talk about. He follows her lead anyway, and manages a tentative laughter, as he runs his hand through his hair.

"Yeah, I kind of was a competitive child," he murmurs, eliciting a laugh from Rey, deep and gentle. "I felt like I had to prove something, you know. That I wasn't just Senator Organa's son. That I was, I don't know, good".

He doesn't expect her to say anything at all to this whispered confession, but, instead, she raises on her tiptoes and presses a kiss to his cheek. "You are good," she whispers, as her hand finds its way around his. "You're _Ben_ ".

He sucks in a breath, and, as she lets him go, he can feel his heart in his throat.

"I'll go changing in the bathroom," she announces, stepping away from him with slow movements, almost as if it pained her. "You can put on your pajamas here".

He blushes. "Yeah, sure," he murmurs, trying his best not to imagine her stripping out of her clothes, her skin glowing faintly in the moonlight, her long legs bare and as full of freckles as her face. _Fuck, Solo, stop. Stop._ "Thank you".

Rey giggles again. "Shut up, Ben".

He does shut up. When they finally settle for the night, he stares at the ceiling, and falls asleep to the sound of her breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bed sharing is coming, guys, don't you worry, they're just stupid children and they have to work their way around it, but it's still happening.
> 
> i have a [tumblr](http://kylorensx.tumblr.com/) and a [twitter](https://twitter.com/akosmia) if you want to chat or cry about reylo with me ♥


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i repeat myself, but i'm still so surprised by how much you all like this story, it means the world to me. thank you so much to everyone who took the time to leave kudos, to comment, to bookmark or recommend this, you are seriously making me the happiest person on earth ♥

By morning, Ben has to admit Rey was right. His back hurts. His whole body hurts, and there isn't a single bone that doesn't ache and scream in pain as he raises to his feet. _I'm not as young as I thought I was_ , he thinks, bitterly, as he manages to pull himself together enough to stand up. Thirty years old, and he wants to _die_ after a night spent on the floor.

He glances in the direction of the bed, but Rey's not there, and she's not even in the en-suit bathroom, so he lets himself whine as he stretches his back, glad of the fact that she can't stare at him with a smile on her face and a " _I told you so,"_ on her lips. Yes, she told him so. But he wasn't going to let her sleep on the floor after what she told him, was he? And, besides, he didn't want her to sleep on the floor even before she talked about her childhood.

He rubs his eyes, and then, with a sigh, he exits his room and heads downstairs, baby steps as he makes his way down the stairs because _holy fuck, Rey was right._ He won't tell her, though, even if even her smug little grin is a sight to behold, to him.

Fuck, he's got it _bad_.

He's almost in the kitchen, when he hears his mother and Rey giggle. The sound is - _overwhelming_. He doesn't remember the last time he has heard his mother laugh like that, and mixed with Rey's soft chuckle and a sort of vulnerability around his mind, as if the walls he usually puts on during the day aren't quite ready yet, it's almost too much.

"And I say, "Let me see what you have," and he basically screams "A power drill" and runs away butt naked," his mother is saying, between giggles, and Rey is laughing. He can almost imagine her, her head thrown back, her shoulders shivering in the same entrancing way they always do, and her cheeks flushed, eyes shining with mirth. It almost makes him forget they're talking about him. "I swear to God, he was a handful".

Rey is still laughing, by the time she replies, and her words are breathless. "I'm sure he was a sweet kid," she says, and _oh_. Her voice is so tender and affectionate, and Ben can feel a lump in his throat, because - has anyone ever talked about him like that? There's something in her tone, something that he can almost mistake for fondness, and it makes him shiver, and linger behind the wall, just to hear her voice do the same thing again.

His mother sighs, sweetly. "He was," she says, and there's something in her voice that speaks of a longing so big it turns everything else pale in comparison. Ben immediately regrets staying there, but he finds he can't quite force himself to move. "I'm just sorry we turned him so bitter and angry".

He can't see them, but Rey is quick to reply, and he can almost imagine her stretching out her hand and placing it on top of his mother's, gently as always, stroking the skin with the utmost care. "It's not your fault. I'm sure you tried your best".

She did. For what was worth, Leia had really tried with him. It was not her fault he was such a fuck-up, anyway. Even Rey must know it, by now - after all, she has seen him yell at her the day they first met, and even if things are better between the two of them now, it's not like he's suddenly the poster boy for Healthy Coping Mechanisms.

"Me and Han- we should have handled it better. We don't really talk about it with Ben, but," there's a pause, before his mother speaks again, and in that pause he can almost hear years and years of fights, of smashed plates, of car tires against the asphalt, his father running away, leaving him behind. He can hear his mother's voice whispering _He's not coming back sweetheart_ against the darkness of the night, begging him to come back inside. He can almost hear his fists slammed into a wall, the blood racing in his ears, his heart thundering in his chest. "It couldn't have been easy, growing up like that".

He can also hear the gentle smile on Rey's face, as she speaks. "You tried. I think that's what makes the difference," she says, kindly, as if soothing his mother was something almost natural to her. He wonders if that's what she expected this whole trip to be. Probably not - but maybe she had always known somehow, deep inside. After all, she knows he's fucked up, she must have done the math. "I never had someone who took the effort to try with me".

Something in his chest goes tight again, and his mind replays the words from the night before, uttered in the dark. _I slept on the floor for my whole childhood_ , she whispers and he wants to curl his hands into fists and smash them against the wall, as if he was sixteen again, because he can't stand it and-

"No, really, it's okay. It's in the past," she murmurs, and it takes him a moment to realize she's not talking to him. His mother must have tried to comfort her, because he can hear the gentleness of her smile, and her reassuring words, as if it was them who needed to be comforted. Rey, always putting others before her, even in this moment. "And besides, I think he's still really sweet, once you get past his awkwardness. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel cared for. It's ... new".

She's talking about him, he realizes. He makes her laugh - it's with a jolt he realizes he really does. Rey smiles often when she's working, courteous and detached, but it's only when she sits at his table that she really laughs, her shoulders trembling and her lips curving in the most spontaneous grin he has ever seen. He likes to be able to make her laugh, it makes him feel - good. Like he's not a total fuck-up for once. His heart goes still in his chest for a moment, and then it doubles its beat, as he thinks about her eyes on him, and the way she smiles, and cups his face, stroking his skin, her fingers wrapping around his hair, almost as if-

Almost as if she cared for him.

His mother smiles. He can hear it in the breath she lets out, shuddering and heavy, and it's like something has been lifted off her chest, because when she speaks again, her voice is tender and soft. "You seem so good to him," she says, gently. "I've never seen him like that, so open and happy. It's like a different Ben. I know it's foolish to say, we've just met. But, thank you".

He hears Rey's gentle intake of breath, and he wonders what she's thinking about. When she had proposed him this whole crazy idea, he hadn't expect it to be so - _heavy_. He had expect awkwardness, his mother prying into his love life, fawning all over Rey and asking her things about their relationship. Instead, it's a walk down the memory lane and it's more emotional challenging than he had imagined, and he doesn't know if Rey's okay with it. He hopes she is - even if it was her idea, he doesn't want her to be uncomfortable with all of this.

"He's good to me too," she replies, quietly in the end. Her voice is soft, and he can hear in the way she utters the words the same smile from the night before, tender and almost loving. "I mean, it's the first time I feel safe, opening up to someone, so, yeah. He's really good to me".

She's a really good actress, Ben thinks, clenching his fists. 

His mother breathes in and out, quietly. "Sometimes I think he's too much like his father," she says, her voice barely a whisper in the quiet kitchen. "They both keep their emotions so bottled up, up until they can't ignore them anymore".

It's almost too much, he thinks. He can't take this, not right now. All the walls he has put around his heart in these years are crumbling down after less than twenty four hours, and he can't face it right now, when he feels so vulnerable.

Before they can say anything else, he decides to step into the kitchen, strolling around like he's just climbed down off bed, and rubbing his eyes. He pretends to stifle a yawn, as his mother and Rey turn into his direction. "Morning," he says, pressing his lips together.

Rey smiles as she catches his gaze and holds out her arms, as if to call him to her, and it's almost automatic to walk to her, and press a kiss right at the crown of her head, because a boyfriend would do just that, wouldn't he? So he does. And then he leaves another kiss right at her temple, as she puts her arms around him and presses her face into his chest, because, why not.

"Morning, sleepyhead," she whispers, so sweetly. The fabric of his cotton shirt is too thin, and he can feel her lips pressed against his abdomen, and he hums, closing his eyes at the contact. It takes all his willpower not to linger too much in it.

"Slept well?" he asks and Rey nods against his chest, her warm hands finding their way up and down his spine, almost as if to massage his aching back. He leans into the touch, because he can and because it feels good.

"Your bed is amazing, it's the comfiest thing I've ever slept on," she replies, and he laughs, unable to stop himself.

"Yeah, tell me about that," he says, before he can think about it, and his mother's eyes shoot in his direction, her curious gaze studying him. Rey tightens her grip on his shirt for a moment, before he tries to laugh it off, softly. "I mean, I forgot how comfy it was".

His back dares to disagree.

"There's coffee in the pot," his mother informs him, as her way of telling him good morning, and he sighs, pressing one last, lingering kiss on Rey's forehead before stepping away and reaching the kitchen counter.

He can feel her gaze on him as he does, but he doesn't turn, too afraid of what he'll read there.

"So, what's the plan for today?" he grabs the pot, and a mug, pouring the hot coffee right into it, and he sighs, leaning against the counter as he stares at his mother with his eyebrows raised. She shrugs, pressing her lips together - apparently, that's a thing he has inherited from her.

"Amilyn has been called to work, so I'll have to check the last few details with the location and the flower shop," she replies, as she keeps drinking her coffee, and then she turns into Rey's direction, patting her hand affectionately. Apparently, they have become close in the span of one night, but, all things considered, it doesn't surprise him. Rey has a way of making people love her, after all. "Don't ever get married, honey. It's mental. If he ever asks you, just say no, it's easier".

Ben blushes right to the tip of his ears, and he pretends not to choke on his coffee. "Mom, I think it's a bit too soon to be talking about that," he tries to say, but Rey just smiles, graciously, and takes his mother's hand in hers with no effort. She seems so natural at it, and something in him _aches_.

"Let's be real, I'll probably be the one to ask him," she replies, easily as ever, and Ben really, really tries his best not to spill coffee on himself while he chokes on it again.

"We can help with something?" he says, once he has recovered, trying to avoid the subject of marriage proposal altogether. "I mean, we can check with the flower shop, if you want. It's a chance to show Rey around the city, she has never been here. You'd like that?" he remembers to ask, turning into her direction with a little smile on her face. She's practically glowing, her eyes shining as bright as ever, and she nods, enthusiastically. "See? We can help," he adds, turning to face his mother again.

Leia is - probably surprised, even if he's not sure he's able to decode her expression. She's always been guarded, anyway, because you can't really be that transparent in politics, so it's not exactly brand new information for him, but he thinks he can read something on her face, beyond the surprise. Something that resembles fondness. "Okay, then," she says, nodding. "Thank you".

He tries not to dwell on the fact that something in his chest feels tight at the words.

*

They're back in his car in a heartbeat, and it's with a small, bitter smile that he realize he's getting all too used to this - Rey, with her forehead pressed against the window, drumming and singing along with the radio, as the whole Chandrila flashes around them.

He doesn't know what he'll do, once this will be over. He tries not to think about it, because he can't afford to, right now.

"How's your back?" she asks him, after a few minutes of silence, turning into his direction with a smile and warm eyes. She noticed, of course, because he's been stiff the whole time at breakfast, and now he feels like he can't turn his neck at all, as he drives, which is. Inconvenient.

"It's fine," he says, trying to shrug and settling for exhaling, awkwardly.

It's not fine. How can people in the movies look okay after sleeping on the floor? How do they manage that? He feels on the verge of crying, but maybe that's because he's a spoiled kid who has always slept on memory foam mattresses.

Rey chuckles, softly, and then she stretches out her arm, and her fingers come to rest at the base of his neck, digging into his skin even through the fabric of his tee shirt. "You're lying," she tells him, and then she slowly moves her fingers to his shoulder, when she starts massaging his sore muscles. He doesn't know how he manages to bite back a moan, but he does, and he's glad of that. "I told you it was going to hurt".

He blushes, eyes fixed on the road, trying his best not to drive right into a tree. "Well, it's not like I could let _you_ take the floor," he replies, shrugging, and winces when his muscles scream in pain.

Rey digs her finger into his shoulder, almost twisting it, and he tries really hard not to drive them off the road, because _holy shit_. A moan escapes his lips, despite his efforts, and she smiles. "Better?" she asks, and he nods, helplessly, not daring to turn into her direction. "You proud idiot. I told you I could sleep on the floor".

He shakes his head. "Not a chance, I don't want _you_ to be hurting," he tells her, turning briefly into her direction and flashing her a smile. It turns out it's a really bad idea, because she's staring at him with a strange expression on her face, one he doesn't know how to decode, and she looks almost surprised, and he wants to take her into his arms and kiss her until the world stops turning, which. He can't.

She takes a deep breath, before replying, and Ben wonders what's that about. Her fingers are still massaging his shoulder, and he sighs every time they reach a particularly good spot. He really, really tries not to moan.

"I told you, I'm used to it," she tells him. He can still hear the little smile on her face, but it feels almost like an armor, protecting her from whatever she's thinking about. Her voice is small, when she keeps on talking. "And who cares, anyway".

His hands tighten on the wheel almost of their own accord, as he turns into her direction. She's staring at him with a resigned smile on her face, and she looks so - so small and vulnerable right now, so different from the Rey he knows. But it's okay - he suspects he likes this quiet, human Rey all the same, and he can't help himself. He stretches out his hand, patting briefly her knee as he looks at her.

"I do," he tells her, and it's the pure and simple truth. He doesn't look her in the eyes, after, and turns to face the road again, because some things are better left that way, but he feels her gaze on him the whole time, and it's intense, and heavy. "And I know you're used to it, but you don't have to be, right now, that is," he adds, pressing his lips together.

There's a moment of silence. Then, quietly, she whispers, "Thank you," and it makes his heart clench. She sounds so - surprised. As if the notion of someone caring for her is somehow alien to her. Before he can say anything - before he can make a fool of himself, really -, she talks again, changing the subject. "You know, they're cute. Your mother and her girlfriend. How long have they been together?"

He's glad of this opportunity to change the subject, even if said subject is his weird family. "Well, officially about ten years, I think," he replies, shrugging. Rey's fingers are still working on his shoulder, so he doesn't wince as much, because, apparently, she has magic hands. "They have been friends since they were teenagers, though. When my father left, and the whole divorce thing started, Miss Holdo- I mean, Amilyn, started to come to visit more often. I think she wanted to make sure we were doing okay".

Rey hums, and her fingers come to stroke his hair again, an usual gesture by now but that always takes him by surprise. "That's sweet of her," she comments.

He nods. "Yeah, it is. I think they started noticing there was something, you know, there," he says, gesturing vaguely, because that's how he usually talks about feelings, that is to say, he doesn't. "But they waited to act on it until I was old enough to understand. I-" Ben sighs, shaking his head as he keeps his eyes fixed on the road. "I was a difficult kid, and my mother didn't want to upset me".

He pauses, briefly, before continuing.

"I know I sounds so ungrateful when I talk about my family. I know my mother has done her best to help me despite it all, and I know I had it better than most people," he says, because he has to. Because he knows he sounds like a rich, spoiled brat, when he talks about his family, and to think about Rey - sweet, gentle, fiercely independent Rey - saying no one ever took the effort to try with her makes him feel guilty about it. He had a family - it was broken and fucked up, but still. He had someone who tried. He had it better than most people. "It's just- overwhelming".

Rey's fingers tighten their grip on his hair, not quite pulling, but reminding him she's there. "You don't have to apologize for what you feel, Ben," she tells him, quietly, and her words seem to echo in the confined space of his car, and in his mind. "I might not understand it. I have never had a family. But it's okay if you feel that way. Even if your family was great and all, if they make you feel bad or anxious, you don't have to feel guilty about it. You have every right to feel the way you feel".

He doesn't know how to do that. Ever since he was a kid, feeling guilty over his emotions seemed like the best way to cope with them. He felt guilty for not hating his father, he felt guilty for screaming and punching the walls, he felt guilty for not wanting to visit. He doesn't know how to let all that guilt go, so he stays in silence.

Rey doesn't let him go, though. She keeps stroking his hair, while she speaks, and it calms him. "The people who took me in- my foster family, I mean. They used to make me feel guilty because they were feeding me scraps and giving me a roof over my head. I felt like I couldn't feel bad or hate them because I was lucky," she stays silent for a whole second, before speaking again. "But that's not how it works".

His grip on the wheels tightens, and his knuckles become white. "Fuck, Rey, Jesus, I'm so sorry," he blurts out, immediately, because here he is, ranting about his perfect, rich family while she sits beside him telling him awful things about her past, and how can she even stand to look at him? He'd hate himself. He _does_ hate himself. "I didn't know, fuck. You must think I'm such a spoiled, rich brat-"

"No," she says, simply, as her hand makes its way down his spine, fingers digging on every knob, as if she was slowly climbing down a ladder. "I think family always screws you up, whether you have one or not".

It feels heavy. He wonders why she's not yelling at him, telling him he needs to get his shit together and thank Heaven he has a perfect suburban family with little amount of problems, but he tries to accept this moment all the same. He doesn't think he deserves it, but he's not going to question her, not when her fingers are scaling down his spine, pressing so sweetly against his skin, untying every knot in his muscles.

"Hey," she says after a while, and her tone is lighter, somehow. "What's your favorite ABBA song?"

It's so unexpected he can't prevent a laugh escaping his lips. "I don't know," he says, shrugging. "Maybe The Name of the Game," he adds, stupidly flashing a smile in her direction.

_Your smile, and the sound of your voice, and the way you see through me. Got a feeling, you give me no choice, but it means a lot to me,_ the song plays into his head almost automatically, and he blushes, thinking about how obvious he's been, right now. He's so stupid - his favorite ABBA song used to be Fernando, but then Rey had happened, and, _well_.

She hums. "That's good," she replies, and if she has picked up something, she doesn't show. "Well, I know I'm a cliché, but my favorite is, obviously, Dancing Queen".

"I _knew_ it!"

Rey puts an ABBA playlist on her phone, and she spends the rest of the car ride singing along to it. It's the happiest he's ever been, while in Chandrila.

*

After they check with the flower shop - where Ben learns his mother has ordered such an insane quantity of flowers he thinks they're going to drown in it - they have all the day for themselves. It's new, having someone walk beside him as they make their way through the familiar yet so different now streets of Chandrila, but the feeling of Rey, her fingers laced with his, and her easy smile when he points out something to her, is enough to make him wish this could go on forever.

He takes her to eat in his favorite place - an old pub where he used to hang back in his senior year - and when she smiles at him, eyes glittering as usual, an idea flashes into his mind.

"I can't believe this," Rey says, for probably the tenth time in the span of a few minutes. Ben smiles, unable to help himself. He has never felt this quiet or content while in Chandrila - he has felt angry and hurt and bored, a thunderous storm of feelings always on the verge of bursting and falling down on him, but _this_ , this is special and fragile.

He chuckles, quietly. "You already said that," he tells her, tugging at her hand to lead her through the park. Rey's eyes are skimming over every tree and plant they can find, and her lips are parted, as if she was witnessing something spectacular.

She shrugs, but she's still smiling as she does. "Well, I still can't believe this. I never knew there was so much green in the world," she replies, quietly, as they walk aimlessly around the park. "This is beautiful".

It is. The park is beautiful, and to Ben is almost home, in the quiet way his childhood house never was. It's almost summer, so they're walking under a roof of green leaves, sunlight barely filtering through the branches, illuminating their way around the small, green paths. It feels like something taken out of a fantasy novel - an enchanted forest in the middle of a faraway land, sparkling with old magic.

He has spent so many afternoons here that the sight of it had almost became normal, granted, _boring_ \- but now, after years of being away, and looking at it through Rey's hungry eyes, he feels the same marvel he used to feel when he was a kid, staring at the old trees with reverence and a bit of fear. It's nice, the way it has never been - staring at his old refuge through the eyes of someone he cares so much about. Rey smiles, and takes the park in as something extraordinary, and he dies to bring her here in the fall, to see her walk on a carpet of read leaves, warm colors splattered all around her, making her look like a spirit of the forest with her sharp features and shining eyes.

But that can't be, can it? No matter how much they can pull this off, she isn't going to be his pretend girlfriend forever, and that - Rey walking in this park as the leaves start to fall, the orange of the trees against her skin, her smile as she takes everything in while holding his hand - is just wishful thinking.

Well, he says to himself. He has to make do with what he has, that is to say - this moment, right there.

"Here," he says, tugging again at her hand, leading her down an almost invisible path right at the outskirts of the park. "I want to show you something," he adds, as she follows him, quietly, her eyes fixed on everything, head spinning as if she wanted to take in everything at once.

She's hungry, he realizes. Hungry for life, for beauty. For something that he can't quite catch, but that he sees in her eyes as she brings her gaze on him. It makes his stomach twist and almost think that some of this, maybe, one day, could be real. He shakes his head as they reach the old bench he remembers from his teenage years, and he sighs. _Stop deluding yourself_ , his mind whispers, _she doesn't even care for you._

He guides her to the bench. It feels surreal to be here again, with someone this time - there are still his initial carved in the wood, and there's still the old oak tree just behind it, sheathing it from the sun. He can almost see his teenage self, all gawky legs and big ears, and eyes full of sorrow and clenched fist, trying to drown his problems in a book.

"This used to be my hiding spot," he tells her, as they sit on the bench. Rey's knee brushes against him, and there's no past in this moment - only her presence, and the way she smiles, almost lovingly, as if this place was a secret between the two of them. They're still holding hands, but neither of them seems inclined to let go, and Ben doesn't push, because - he wants this. Everything she's willing to give him. "When things at home became too much, or I felt on the verge of a tantrum, I just came here with a book and tried to forget about it for a while".

Rey smiles at him, and her grips on his hand tightens, her fingers curving around his in the most delicate way. It's new, having someone here, but it also feels right, because it's Rey and he wants her in his life.

"It's beautiful," she tells him, quietly, her eyes shining from something different that he can't quite decode. It almost feels like tears, but he isn't sure why Rey would ever cry about it. She shakes her head, bringing her gaze on the park again, the smile never leaving her face. "How can you even stand Coruscant, after this? It feels so dull and gray now".

He shrugs, not really having an answer. He's more preoccupied with the way the sun filters through the leaves, spots of light marking her skin as she breathes in and out, almost attuned to this old park as if it were a living thing. "I'm not sure I even like Coruscant, to be honest," he replies, with a little smile.

She turns into his direction almost immediately, her hair dancing around her in waves, clinging to her face and her neck as she moves. He aches to brush away the strands, but he doesn't dare to, so he stays put, content with holding her hand, brushing his thumb across her knuckles, feeling her pulse beneath his fingertips. "Then why are you even there?" she asks, her brow furrowed in confusion, as always when they talk about him. When he doesn't immediately reply, she sighs. "About what your mother said yesterday ..."

His pavlovian response is to tense, under her gaze, but he doesn't pull away, and Rey gives him a small, reassuring smile, as if to comfort a startled wild animal. "Yeah, about that-"

"You don't have to talk to me. You don't owe me anything, I know I'm just ... _here_ ," she whispers, her hand going limp in his, as if to give him a chance to let her go, but he doesn't, because he doesn't want to. Because the way she's asking makes him believe that she doesn't just want to know out of curiosity, but because she cares for him, somehow. It's just wishful thinking, he tells himself over and over again, but it's hard to believe when she looks at him like that, with a longing in her eyes and on her lips. "It's just ... I don't understand. She said Amilyn runs a law firm. She didn't offer you a job?"

There's something weird in discussing this with Rey on the old bench he used to spend so many afternoons on trying not to burst into tears. He wants to laugh, but it would scare Rey off, because it would show her how utterly fucked up he is.

"She did. She was ... very kind," he tells her, pressing his lips together. Amilyn had been more than kind - she had been accepting and willing to bet on him, and a part of him still ached to think about it. He didn't deserve that chance back then, and he still doesn't now. "It's just- everybody knows me here, you know? I'm Senator Organa's son. If I do good, then it's taken for granted, and never good enough anyway. But if I do bad- well," he shrugs, a little bitter smile on his lips. "Let's just say it wouldn't be pleasant".

He shakes his head again, trying to keep his mind off that thought. "I know I sound like the boring, spoiled, rich kid I am," he tells her, turning into her direction to throw her an apologetic smile. Rey just stares at him, but her grip on him is firm now, her fingers intertwined with his as if was somehow natural for them. "But I just needed a fresh start. Somewhere where I could be myself, and not someone's son".

Rey smiles at him, her thumb brushing over the back of his hand. "But you seem so unhappy," she says, her voice hesitant and unsure, unlike her grip on him. Her eyes are fixed on his face, and it feels almost like she's reading him, mapping his very soul. "I don't mean to intrude, it's just- everytime you walk into the Rebel Alliance, you're always frowning. I only see you smile when I make a stupid joke".

_Because you're the only thing in the whole world that actually makes me smile,_ he wants to tell her, but how can he phrase it without him being so obvious? It's not like any of this - Rey holding his hand, her gentle touch, her hesitant voice - means anything.

She doesn't notice the way he trembles, or, if she does, she's gracious enough not to mention it. "Is that really worth it? To stay in a city you don't even like for a job you hate?"

He sighs, throwing his head back and closing his eyes for a second. One day back in Chandrila and things already feel out of his control. His life in Coruscant, the one he has built so carefully, seems like a dream, and he feels like the same kid he once was, trapped in the city with his fucked up family, yearning for something different.

"It's not like I hate the job, I just hate Hux," he says, and Rey's chuckle feels like a blessing, erasing the tension for a small moment. "And I don't know," he adds, bringing her eyes on her again, the corner of his lips quirking up even if he doesn't know why. "There are things in Coruscant I don't want to leave behind".

He can hear the breath hitching in her throat. Her eyes are glittering again, and this time he thinks there are actual tears. She's close, much closer than he expected her to be, and for a moment, his gaze flickers to her rosy lips, parted and trembling, her breath ghosting in the air, while he feels all the oxygen has been sucked out of the world. Without knowing why, he leans in for a moment and, as in a dream, she does too, angling her body against his, tilting her head to the side.

Then, she blinks and lets out a small huff of breath, and he realizes what he's doing. She's right in front of him, parted lips and freckles all over her nose and he pulls away almost immediately, trying to recompose himself and tearing his eyes away from her as his heart hammers crazily into his chest.

"I mean, I've got my favorite bookshop there," he says, quickly, as his mind races to find something to talk about almost desperately, because _what the fuck, what the fuck what the actual fuck._ What was he doing, actually kissing her? Is he fucking insane? "And your coffee is pretty good, despite what I said that time. And there's this place next to my apartment that makes the most delicious bagels I have ever eaten".

She laughs, miraculously, accepting his lame attempt at pretending everything is fine and he has not just almost kissed her. He doesn't turn into her direction, but he can hear her let out another breath, slowly. "There will always be books and coffee and bagels, though," she says, her thumb brushing tenderly over his knuckles, her voice barely a caress. "The world is so big, Ben. You should never be stuck in a place you hate".

It feels like it comes from experience. He closes his eyes for a moment, letting himself being swept by the sensation of Rey's fingers on him, their hands drawn together, their bodies almost touching, so close yet so far apart. "I know," he says, in the end, opening his eyes again to stare at her, with a small smile on his lips. "But, there won't be you".

The confessions hangs in the air for a minute and he doesn't dare to speak or move or even breathe, because he feels Rey's eyes on him, and her sharp intake of breath as she takes in his words and tries to wrap her mind around that. He feels stupid, and a part of him wants, _dies_ to rush in and make her forget his stupid words, but it's too late now - she's looking at him with surprise in her eyes, her jaw slack, her lips parted again, and she's so beautiful, against the green landscape of the park he has spent so many days in, and his heart does a weird twist in his chest. He knows he will never forget this moment - no matter how hard he'll try, this will stay with him forever.

And then, Rey's head drops on his shoulder, as she breathes him in. Their fingers are still laced together, and her weight on him is pleasant and unexpected, and Ben's breath hitches in his throat as she closes her eyes, her lashes fluttering in the sunlit air of the afternoon.

"I'd miss you too," she whispers, in the end. Her words are soothing, even if her voice is trembling, and he wonders what she's thinking about right now. "But I want to see you happy, Ben".

_You know what_ , he thinks, as she breathes against his shoulder, her body warm against his own, _right now I am_.

An old song starts to play into his head. _Take my hand, take my whole life too_. He smiles down at her, squeezing her hand, and never letting her go.

*

Rey is giggling by the time they make it back home, her head thrown back as they climb the stairs of the porch. "I can't believe you punched a boy over Frankenstein and got into detention for it," she says, shaking her head. "That's the most emo thing I've ever heard".

He retrieves the keys from the pocket of his jeans, as his lips curve automatically in a smile, even if his cheeks are reddening, and his ears are burning under his hair. Surprisingly, he doesn't feel half as awkward as he used to, when she mocks him. "Hey, nobody disrespects Mary Shelley while I listen and goes unpunished," he tells her, pointing a finger in her direction, and another burst of giggles rewards him.

"You're the definition of emo. If I open a dictionary, there's like, a picture of you under the word emo. I can't believe it," Rey says, her shoulders shill shivering as he works the door open. "I bet you wanted to tattoo the complete works of Edgar Allan Poe on your back".

The door finally opens, and he murmurs a " _Shut up_ ," quietly, blushing from head to the toe. Before she can reply and tease him again, though, something that resembles a rug charges at him and almost knocks him out of his feet in a frenzy. His back still hurts, so he whines as he falls back, and he's glad that Rey is too surprised to comment about that.

She's quick to steady him, though, her arms a lot stronger than he had expected them to be as she puts her hands on his biceps, preventing him to fall back on her, and he takes in the ball of fur in front of him with his breath hitching in his throat.

It's a dog. He doesn't remember his mother having a dog up until this morning. He thinks he'd notice a big fur ball strolling around the house. It takes him a minute to make his brain work again, and the first tendrils of awareness reach his mind slowly, like the memory of a half forgotten dream, and his eyebrows shoot up, as he realizes. "Chewie?" he asks.

The dog barks, happily.

And then, out of the kitchen, a voice he hasn't heard in _years_. "Hey, kid".

Ben has barely the time to register the half smirk on the face that looks both familiar and foreign to him, before his father reaches the doorway. There's a million emotions stirring beneath the surface of his mind - panic, fear, rage, fury, stupid unsolicited _happiness_ \- but he presses his lips together, trying to hold everything inside, as he always does, up until the breaking point. Rey's hands are warm on his skin, and seem to ground him, for a moment.

"Hi, dad".

                                                                  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these two stupid dorks in love, am i right? 
> 
> i have a [tumblr](http://kylorensx.tumblr.com/) and a [twitter](https://twitter.com/akosmia). i'm like, painfully awkward when it comes to interact with other human beings, but i swear i'm friendly ♥


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone!! as you can see, the chapter count went up again, and it probably will happen a third or a fourth time because these chapters are getting wayyyy too long for any human being and it's hell to edit them :D
> 
> as for the rest, thank you so much for every comment, every kudos, subscription and bookmark, it really means a lot to me that you're enjoying this story as much as i enjoy writing it ♥

Ben is aware of several things all at once.

First, Chewie is waving his tail all too eagerly against his legs, which means that, taking in his massive size and the fact that he's more of a monster than a dog, he's basically slapping his still sore muscles, and Ben can't help the low whine that escapes his lips every time the tail makes contact with his knee.

Second, Rey's hands are still splayed on his arms, still holding him even if there's no risk of seeing him fall over anymore. Her fingers are digging into his skin and the layers between them are so thin that he's acutely aware of her chest pressed against his back, rising and falling in rapid waves. She's not quite breathing - more like, she's holding her breath and releasing it in quick beats, even if he doesn't know why.

Third, it's the first time he sees his father in years.

It's not like they have been avoiding each other - it's more like a silent agreement between the two of them of staying out of each other's lives as best as they could. His father would call sometimes, they'd chat, but that is it - Ben doesn't remember the last time he had seen him. Probably it was around the time he had settled in Coruscant, some eight or nine years before. It's not like he _actively_ tries not to see his father - it just happens. It's just-

Even after all these years, he can't quite forget the sound of the car tires against the asphalt as he drove away, that October day so many years ago, without even saying goodbye.

He supposes he should be over it, but it's not quite like that. He doesn't work that way, he has told his therapist over and over again, and no matter how hard he tries to tell himself he's over it, it's in the past and it doesn't matter anymore - somehow, it matters.

"Hey, kid," his father says again, and in a moment he's clasping him in a tight hug, knocking the air out of his lungs. Ben is surprised - his father doesn't usually do hugs - but he reacts immediately, bringing his arms around his father's shoulders and awkwardly patting his back. "It's good to see you," he whispers, as he pulls away.

The shock of the first moments finally settles in, and Ben can look at his father's face as it is now - it's older, but it's no surprise. After all, it's been years, and lines he didn't remember have started to mark his face. His hair is grey, almost white, and there's something about him, some sort of weariness in his bones, from having wandered for far too long. But his eyes are the same light blue color, sharp and mischievous, and his grin is still both roguish and charming, and he's the same Han he remembers from his childhood, self-assured and charismatic, just a little whiter and older at the edges. A wave of longing crashes over him, but he presses his lips together, trying not to say anything about it.

"It's good to see you too, dad," he says, and it surprises him to know that it's true. There's still an undercurrent of feelings he can't quite understand or contain, but right now it feels - _right_ , to have him here.

The sharp sensation of fingers digging into his arm brings him back to reality, and he remembers Rey, behind him, silently taking in the situation. She has not spoken yet, so he moves a little bit and smiles at her, letting her know that everything's alright.

"Sorry, I didn't introduce you. Dad, this is my girlfriend, Rey," he's surprised by how quickly he's getting used to say that, and he wonders what will happen when he won't be able to say it anymore. He tries not to think about it. "Rey, this is my father".

Han gives her the same part charming, part sincere half smile he's known for, as he extends his hand. "Ah, yes, I heard from your mother," he says, grinning, and Ben blushes, wondering what his mother has told him. Not that there's anything embarrassing to say about Rey, since they have barely touched each other in her presence (and in general), but still. "Nice to meet you, Rey. I'm Han".

At that, Rey finally speaks. "You're Han Solo," she whispers, reverently, as if she had just seen something otherworldly. Both Ben and Han stare at her, frowning, but she doesn't seem to mind, and she barely registers the looks they're giving her as she shakes his father's hand. She looks - transfixed.

His father brings a hand at the base of his neck, looking sheepish. "Yeah," he says, confused. "I'm Ben's father," he tries to add, but Rey is quick to shake her head, her gaze still full of wonder as she stares at him.

"No, no. You're Han Solo," she repeats, her voice almost mystified as she tries to find the right words. " _The_ _pilot_ ".

There's a moment of silence as the words hang in the air, both Ben and his father too surprised to actually grasp them. Ben turns into her direction, staring at her with his eyebrows raised and his lips parted, and Han is still frowning, but it's clear that he's as surprised as his son.

He shakes Rey's hand, still shocked.

"I'm sorry, I didn't-" he tries to say, his words failing him, as he takes in Rey, her small frame and her gentle smile. "You don't seem the kind of person who enjoys racing," he adds, trying for a small grin, and while this comment would have made Ben flare up because of, well, who is as a person, he has to admit it's true. Rey looks small and petite and he knows he shouldn't presume things, because he has seen her fight off drunk men with her bare hands, but it still surprises him to know that Rey knows enough about racing to recognize his father.

He often forgets about it, after all. It's not like it's something that comes up everyday, like his mother's career in politics. His father was famous before he was even born, and Ben remembers very little of it - with the exception of him, pretending to drive his father's old Falcon and proudly announcing he was going to be the best pilot in the world. _That's my boy_ , his father used to say.

He had not thought about that in a long time.

Rey laughs, shaking her head. "I worked as a mechanic in a garage for race cars, back in Jakku," she explains, quickly, as her cheeks redden under their gazes. He doesn't know why - maybe instinct, maybe he wants to reassure her, or maybe he just craves it and he isn't going to deny this anymore -, but Ben brings his arm around her waist, pulling her close to him and drawing small patters along her hipbone, still covered by her shirt. Rey seems to relax in his touch, and lets him do it, without uttering a protest, the tense muscles of her shoulders melting into him as she speaks.  "You were basically a legend there. I mean, the way you won the Kessel run with the Falcon? It was against all odds and instead ..."

His father grins, shaking his head and looking all too smug about it, as usual. It's quite a familiar sight, and as annoyed as Ben is, something in his chest goes tight, and he fights off the urge to smile. "Well, as I say, never-"

"Tell me the odds, yes, we _know_ ," his mother's voice says, as she reaches them on the doorway. There's a weird expression on her face, and the usual Look she used to gift both him and his father - fondness and exasperation mixed together, making her smile and sigh at the same time. It's something he has dealt with for his whole life, but seeing her stare at his father like this, after all these years, after all they've been through, it's almost overwhelming. "I swear to God, Han, if I have to hear about the Kessel run _again_ -"

Han, being Han and knowing Leia all too well, is quick to raise his hands in a plead for innocence, giving her a sheepish look. "Hey, it's not my fault Ben brings home a girl who knows her stuff," he says, and then he turns in Rey and Ben's direction, flashing them a smirk. "I like her".

Ben blushes, and he's glad for the his mother's presence, grabbing his father by the sleeve of his shirt to drag him back into the kitchen. "Stop tormenting them and help me," she tells him, darting him a death glare. His father laughs, throwing his head back.

"Yes, your Worship," he says, following her back into the kitchen, leaving a stunned Ben and an equally shocked Rey behind. And a monster of a dog who's still slapping his legs with his huge fucking tail.

Ben sighs, finally closing the door behind them, and then he crouches on the floor to pet Chewie like he deserves to be petted, giving him his undivided attention. His back screams in pain, but he hasn't seen Chewie since, well, high school, and a part of him wants to spend the rest of the day here on the floor with him, petting him and telling him he has missed him. Chewie seems to reciprocate the feeling, because he licks his hand and then happily lets him pet him. Ben is surprised the dog even remembers him, after all these years, and he can feel a lump in his throat as he watches him rub himself against his hand.

Rey stares at him, still standing right beside him. She clears her throat, and brushes a few strands of hair away from her face, almost nervously. He wants to tell her she has nothing to be nervous about, but he doesn't know how. He isn't sure he can even remember words, right now, so he stays silent.

"I'm sorry, I got too excited," she says, after a few seconds, and he raises his eyes, looking at her with his eyebrows raised. Rey's blushing, which is unusual, but quite pleasant to see all the same. Her flushed cheeks look so endearing, and they make her freckles stand out against her skin. "I know it's stupid, I just hadn't realized your father was my childhood hero. Is it weird that I used to worship him?"

Ben chuckles, quietly, scratching Chewie behind his ears. "A little bit," he tells her, but with a small smile on his lips to let her know it's okay, and she giggles too. To be honest, what surprises him the most is the fact that she's kept her cool around his mother, the fucking _Senator_ , and lost it with his father, but it's almost a nice thought. That's Rey, and he likes her too much for it. He bites his lips, before uttering the next words, afraid of stepping into something he should not be allowed into. "I didn't know you were a mechanic".

Rey shrugs, sinking her hands in the pockets of her jeans. "Yeah, well," she says, vaguely. A tired smile appears at the corner of her lips, and her eyes are fixed on Chewie, now. "My guardian, Unkar Plutt, made me work my ass off in his garage for scraps of food. It's okay, though," she's quick to add, as she notices he's about to say something. And he is, really, even if he doesn't know what he's about to say - he just feels this horrible weight on his chest everytime Rey mentions something of her past, and he wants to erase all of that, but he knows he can't. "I liked it, actually. It felt good to make something work, for once. I wanted to study engineering after high school, but even with a scholarship I couldn't afford it, so," she shrugs again, and it almost breaks his heart.

Rey deserved better. She still does - she's incredible and full of surprises and smart and determined and all that pain and suffering hasn't made her harsh or detached, but kind and tender and compassionate and willing to help him even if he's been a dick to her sometimes, and she deserves so much more. He doesn't know what to say, because all the words that threaten to escape his lips sound either too privileged or too obvious and definitive, so he stays in silence, still petting Chewie. The dog stares at him with his big, warm eyes, and he almost seems to get it.

In the end, Rey sighs, staring at Chewie with a little, tender smile on her lips. "I didn't know you had a dog".

He presses his lips together, staring at Chewie. He looks like the last time he has ever seen him, staring from the back seat of his father's old Falcon, and it's hard to tell himself that instead it's been years, and his father never came back or even said goodbye. _You should be over it_ , he tells himself, _let the past die_. But it doesn't quite work. _He_ doesn't quite work. "Chewie is not exactly my dog. He's more, like, my father's friend," he tells her, with a sad, pensive smile. "When I was a kid, my father used to leave often, and he brought Chewie with him everytime, so I tried not to get attached. It never worked, though".

They both know he's not talking about Chewie anymore, but neither of them says anything about that. There's a brief pause, in which Ben wonders if Rey's thinking about dropping him and his issues and run the fuck out of this house, but in the end, she crouches on the floor next to him. Her scent is almost intoxicating, so close to him, and her lips are still there, still so endearing and kissable. He wonders what it would feel like to press them against his own.

"I have always wanted a dog," she says, after a minute. The expression on her face is new, and surprising - there's a yearning, and amazement, and pure and simple happiness in the back of her eyes. When she turns to face him, she smiles so widely the whole world around them seems to shine from it. "Can I pet him?"

Childlike wonder, that's what it is. Ben's heart tightens again.

"Of course, come here," he stretches out his hand, reaching for hers, and Rey lets him do this without uttering a protest. He barely remembers they haven't been doing this since forever - it feels so natural, to wrap his fingers around her wrist, almost as if he was born for doing just that. This new kind of intimacy, of true and not true blending together, makes his heart leap. "Let him sniff you first, he's a bit wary with strangers," he adds, as he slowly guides her hand towards Chewie.

Chewie stretches out his snout, sniffing Rey's fingers with care, almost as if to determine if she's a friend or a foe, and then, out of nowhere, he pulls out his tongue and licks her hand. "Chewie, no!" he exclaims, but Rey is giggling like a child, and she looks so happy he doesn't dare to say anything.

She shakes her head. "No, it's okay, really," she says, and then he guides her hand towards Chewie's head, letting her scratch him beneath his ears just how he likes it, and the dog goes putty into her arms, resting his head on her thigh as she pets him. "He likes me?" she asks, stupor in her voice, barely turning into his direction.

Ben nods, his words failing him at the moment. "He does," he murmurs, surprised. Chewie has never been a people dog, and the amount of people he likes is actually very small, but now he flops on Rey's lap, limp and totally in love with her, staring up at her with adoring eyes, as if he had just had a glimpse of dog heaven. "I mean, I shouldn't be surprised. You're the most likeable person on this planet".

Rey blushes again, caressing the lapful of dog she finds herself with. A few blessed seconds pass like this, with her petting his dog and Ben staring up at her, awe in his eyes. It feels intimate and domestic, and for a moment he forgets everything else.

She lets out a deep breath. "Are you okay?" she asks, after a minute or two, bringing her eyes on him again. "With your father, I mean. You seem ... tense".

He sighs, shaking his head, not quite sure how to put into words what he's feeling. It's not that he's not okay - he's just trying to come to terms with things he has never forgotten. "I'm okay," he tells her, in the end, because he doesn't know what else to say. How do you convey more than twenty years of issues in less than ten words? "Really. I'm okay".

"Because if you're not, we can get out of here," she replies, immediately. Her gaze is fixed on him, and her eyes are fierce and burning. She looks ready to take him by the hand and run away with him, no matter the consequences. The curve of her lips reminds him of home, and he has never felt like he belonged somewhere, but right now she's the place he wants to return to every day of his life. "I can make something up, I promise, I will get you out of here if it makes you feel bad, you just have to tell me, Ben".

He wants to cry and sink his head in her neck, breathing her in and letting her thread her fingers through his hair, reassuring him. He has never felt so cared for and protected in his life, and he wants it to last forever. He doesn't know why she's doing this, he can't really understand her at all, but he wants to delude himself for just one moment, and think that this - whatever this is - is real.

"It's okay," he repeats, blinking. He hadn't realize there were tears in his eyes up until now, and he looks away, afraid Rey will notice it. "I just- I haven't seen him in a long time and it's weird. But it's okay, really," he adds, trying to smile. Then, he takes a deep breath, and glances her way. "Can you- can you hold my hand, though? It feels better when you do".

He knows he sounds just like a kid, but Rey smiles, gently, and he forgets about everything else for a moment. Then, she brings her hand on his shoulder and leans in a little bit, placing a kiss right on the corner of his mouth. It's awkward, like this, as they crouch on the floor, careful not to fall over, but it sends shivers down his spine all the same, and his eyes flutter shut of their own accord. It feels - nice.

Like he has waited a whole lifetime for this.

"Of course," Rey replies, her lips pressed against his skin, and he wants to stay there forever.

*

It's - well, weird.

His father hasn't set foot in this house since he left it forever more than fifteen years ago, and now it's weird to see him at the kitchen table again, teasing his mother and replying to Amilyn's polite questions as if nothing ever happened. It's - it's like the past is coming back to haunt him, even if he has tried his best to kill it, but the details are all wrong now. His parents have grey hair, and Amilyn has his mother's hand into hers, and Ben's so tall he almost knocks the chandelier off when he raises to his feet.

It's weird.

It's like his childhood played in loop, but with everything out of place.

But Rey's hand is into his for the entire duration of the evening. She intertwines their fingers as they eat their dinner and strokes the back of his hand as she tells his mother about their day, voice full of wonder as she talks about the park, drawing small patterns on his skin with her thumb. She seems natural, and he knows his mother and his father and Amilyn like her - but, after all, she's impossible not to like. She's Rey.

Afterwards, he finds himself in the old armchair in the living room, his father sat right beside him on the couch. There's a silence, between the two of them, and Ben knows there are a lot of things left unsaid that are stirring just beneath the surface of every conversation they will have these days. It was easier to talk over the phone, he thinks. He didn't have to see his father's face, and read into his eyes and realize how alike they are.

"Where's Chewie?" he asks, in the end, just to break the tension. His father smiles - the usual half-smile that's sort of his signature and that Ben remembers so well even if it's been years since he has seen it - and nods into the direction of the kitchen, where Chewie is strolling around Rey's legs, never leaving her for more than one moment.

"He's all over your girlfriend. I think he's in love," Han says, eyeing him again with the same old smirk. "I don't know how I'll manage to tear him away from her and bring him with me at the hotel".

Ben frowns. "Wait, the hotel? You're not staying in the guest room?" he asks, confused, and his father shrugs. "How did you manage to get away with it? Mom practically forced me and Rey to stay here".

From the kitchen, his mother's voice replies, "Hey! I hear you, you know!"

Han smirks again, eyebrows raised and a mischievous glimmer in his blue eyes, one that Ben knows all too well. "You forgot I still know how to annoy her out of her mind," he says, seeming all too proud of that. His mother groans from the kitchen, and Amilyn laughs, quietly. Rey casts a glance in his direction, and Ben flashes her a smile, before Chewie catches her attention again.

But for a small, infinite moment, her eyes are on him, and there's fondness in her gaze.

He sighs, looking away from her. "You have to teach me that," he says, in the end, shaking his head, and to that his father laughs.

"You're a lot like me, kid," he replies, and- it's not the first time somebody says that, his mother has said the same exact thing this morning, but it feels different to hear it from his father's lips. Ben presses his lips together, hoping his feelings don't spill, somehow. "I suggest you keep being yourself, I'm sure that'll do the trick".

His mother is still muttering something about _stupid_ _fucking Solos,_ but since he's come to the conclusion that ignorance is bliss, he's happy to not know what she's actually talking about.

"So," his father starts, bringing him back to reality. His tone is conversational, but his expression is more serious than he's used to or that he even remembers, and Ben looks at him, unsure of what to expect. "How's Coruscant? You're still working for the First Order?"

It's not like he doesn't know - they have talked over the phone about it, even if not recently, and it's not like Ben has better option right now. Well, he could, of course - he could come back here, as Amilyn has reminded at least once a year, and he could find another job, but, well. He isn't quite sure of what he really wants, right now, so here's that.

"Yeah," he says, in the end, shrugging. "I know you don't like Snoke-"

His father reacts accordingly. "He's sketchy".

Ben can't say anything about that, because, well. It's true, anyway. Snoke is not exactly the best person he has ever met, and being in the same room with Hux actually makes him want to shoot himself in the face, so he can't really reply to that.

"I know," he says, in the end. His father's eyes are fixed on him, and it's weird, because there's worry on his face, even if he tries to play it off. It's something he hasn't seen in _years_ , and he doesn't know how to react to it. The notion of his father caring, even a little bit, for him is earth shattering. "I won't work for him forever, it's just for now".

His father sighs, shaking his head. "I'm not saying this because I want to upset you, Ben," he says, quietly, and this surprises him more than everything else. As far as he remembers, they've never been quiet - they've been loud and hurtful in their exchanges even before he left him behind. "It's just- you're a smart, talented kid. I don't want you to waste your talent on someone who's only taking advantage of you".

Ben has to take a deep breath to mask the fact that his voice is already trembling. Journeys home tend to make people more emotional, he tells himself, but he knows it's not quite that. "I know, dad," he replies, when he feels sure enough he won't burst into tears right before him. "I just need to ..." his gaze lingers on Rey almost of his own accord. She's crouching on the floor again, petting Chewie and looking so happy it makes his heart flutter. "Sort some things out".

His father follows his gaze, and his expression softens, something like tenderness melting his features. "Ah," he says, simply, as the usual smirk takes hold of his face. It's gentler this time, though, and even if Ben blushes to the tip of his ears, it's not unpleasant. "You know, I like her".

He tries to stifle a laugh, and it comes out as a breathy exhale. "You like her because she used to hero worship you". 

His comment is received with a shrug and a little smug grin. "Possibly," he replies, which makes Ben laugh again, because it's something so Han, and he doesn't remember the last time he had laughed with his father about it. He shakes his head, trying to live this moment, instead of thinking about it. "But, you know, I really like her. She seems a sweet kid. I may not be the most observing person and I may not have been around a lot, but she's good to you, that I can tell".

It's the second time today somebody says that, and he wonders what his parents see, when they look at him and Rey - a dumb, awestruck man staring at a girl with stars in his eyes? He's not sure they even look like a couple, and instead here he is, hearing how good she is to him. And the worst part is - it's true. She is good to him, despite everything - despite the fact that they're not together, and she doesn't feel that way and it could never happen. She calms him somehow, and he feels understood for the first time in years. When she touches his face, all the other thoughts quiet down, and it feels so easy and natural.

He supposes he can't blame his parents if they think she's good to him - he's never been quite this happy in their presence as he is while Rey holds his hand. That's pathetic, he thinks, but he can't help it.

"I like her too, dad," he says, in the end. He knows his cheeks are red, and his heart is hammering in his chest, because this- this is admitting he feels something, and he doesn't know if he's ready for that. His father, obviously, doesn't know and just laughs.

"Well, that's good to hear, kid," he replies, with his usual smirk. "How did you manage to get her to date you?"

Ben blinks once, then twice, not quite sure how to reply to that. It should be hurtful, but it's the most honest thing someone has said to him since he's come back to Chandrila. "Gee, dad, thanks for the vote of confidence".

His father is quick to explain himself, and brings a hand on his arm, patting it gently. "I phrased it badly," he says, with an apologetic smile - the one that made his mother both sigh and shake her head, but cave in all the same. "But I mean what I said earlier. You're a lot like me, Ben, and we aren't exactly the most charming and suave people in the world".

At this, it's very hard not to laugh. "Can't say I disagree," he murmurs, and Han smiles, knowingly. "Anyway, it was her doing, actually. She managed to get me to date her".

Before his father can reply, his mother and Amilyn step into the living room, with Rey behind them, all looking happy and radiant. He tries to remember last time his family actually got together without trying to tear each other apart after five minutes, but he can't recall it and, frankly, all other thoughts fly out of his mind as soon as Rey flashes him her usual smile.  
  
"Hey," he tells her, sweetly, smiling up at her, because all of this has stopped being pretend a long time ago, apparently, even if they've been in Chandrila for just one day and so he holds out his arms and pats on his thigh, trying his best not to blush. A boyfriend would let his girlfriend sit on his lap, wouldn't he? Rey smiles again and if she finds it odd, she doesn't protest, and sits on his lap with the ease of someone who has done this all her life.

He wraps his arms around her waist, just as she plants a kiss right on his cheek. So easy, so natural. So fucking _heartbreaking_.

"Hey," she says back, and when he can muster the courage to look up to her, she looks so happy, his heart can barely function. "You know, Chewie is such an adorable dog!"

His father scoffs at her words. "Because he likes you," he tells her, eyebrows raised, and Ben can't help but laugh.

"It's true," he chimes in, pressing a kiss to the corner of her mouth, almost automatically, a weird sort of reflex he doesn't know how he'll get rid of. "Usually, he's a monster. I think he has scared, what, eight mailman and several passersby?"

Rey lets out a little giggle. "Well, then he's just like you. He's _adorable_ ," she reiterates, her hands warm around his shoulders as she tries to balance herself on his lap. He tries not to gasp. Not too audibly at least. "So, what were you talking about?"

Her fingers find their way around the hair at the base of his neck, and he hums, eyes almost fluttering shut at the pleasant sensation. "I was just telling my father how you basically begged me to go out with you," he jokes, because he can, and he can pretend this is real, and Rey actually wants to date him, in some different timeline, in a parallel universe.

Her eyebrows are raised, when she replies, and the rest of the world disappears instantly. "Oh?" she says, and God, if it doesn't make him want to kiss her senseless. He doesn't know how to kiss somebody senseless, but he dies to. "I recall something different. For example, you bursting into tears as soon as I said the word date".

His family laughs, but he doesn't feel half as bad, because, well, it could be true, and it doesn't matter, because Rey is teasing him, and he wants it more than everything else in the world. "That's a lie and you know it," he murmurs, raising his eyebrows too, and Rey laughs, her body shivering against his. "Weren't you the one who cried during our first kiss?".

She laughs again, and presses a kiss to his temple, sweetly. "Shut up, sweetheart".

_Oh_. That's - that's nice, and his body melts against hers, because she's still threading her fingers through his hair, and she's calling him sweetheart, and it's not real, but he can't pretend he doesn't _want_ it to be real anymore. Rey's eyes are gentle and luminous as she stares at him, and for a moment he can lie to himself and believe this is really happening.

Amilyn lets out a little soft laughter. "You look really good together," she says. Her voice is gentle and melodic as always, barely a caress against his mind. Ben turns into her direction, marveling at the fond expression on her face as she takes him and Rey in, and it's not new - he knows Amilyn _cares_ for him, after all - but it still shakes him.

It's almost too much - this, his father staring at him, his mother's hesitant smile as she looks at them - but Rey's fingers brush against his skin, and her face melts into a glowing smile and it distracts him for the moment. "Thank you," she replies, as easily as always, as if she had spent her whole life waiting for this moment.

She's turned into Amilyn's direction, so he can't really see her face, but she seems - happy, somehow.

"It's true," his mother tells them, as she and Amilyn exchange a fond look. "You know, Ben has never brought anyone home. For a long time, I thought he was going to turn into a grumpy old hermit like my brother".

Ben tries his best not to blush. "Thank you, mom," he deadpans, eliciting a laugh from Rey that's worth everything. He doesn't meet his mother's gaze, too afraid she'll read in his eyes the truth about this - that he's still going to end up like uncle Luke, hiding away in some remote corner of the world and probably talking with birds. She doesn't need to know that.

His mother laughs too. "You know what I mean," she replies, and of course he does. To her, it must look like a miracle - Ben being comfortable around someone, letting his defenses down, letting someone step into his life. And maybe it is - maybe, even if this isn't real and it could never happen, it's already a miracle, because he has let Rey under his skin despite everything, and he knows she won't go away, no matter how hard he'll try. "But I'm glad he has you now".

He can feel a lump in his throat, and he's about to blurt it all out, but then Rey turn into his direction, and all the words die on his lips as he catches her gaze. She's staring at him with awe in her eyes, as if he was something magnificent, and her fingers keep on stroking his hair as she smiles at him.

He can feel her breath on his lips, when she speaks. "I'm glad too".  


He has barely the time to register her tone of voice - sweet, breathy, barely above a whisper as her lips curve in a smile -, because Rey blinks, her eyelashes brushing against her cheekbones, and then she leans in and kisses him.

The world stops spinning, as her lips presses against his own. Her hand cups his jaw, her thumb stroking his skin with care, and her fingers play with the hair at the base of his neck, and suddenly he's lost in her and he doesn't ever want to come back. He doesn't know how to kiss, but he lets his hand wander, fingertips running up and down her back, as if to soothe her, and she hums on his mouth, a little happy, contented sound that has him almost in tears. He knows he's just-there, stiff and insecure about it, and he's not sure of what to do, but Rey melts against him, her body warm and so _close_ , and he doesn't care anymore. He has never been kissed like this - like she wants to kiss him, like he's something precious and important, and he knows he's probably awkward and hopeless about it, not quite sure what to do with his hands, but somehow it doesn't matter. She kisses him, and it all quiets down.

He only comes to senses when he hears a phone ringing, and he's suddenly reminded that his family is there, and he's kissing Rey as if the world had suddenly disappeared. He pulls away, blushing, as his mother leaves to answer her phone, and he's met with his father's knowing gaze and signature smirk, and Amilyn's gentle smile.

Rey seems to pick up his mood, because she turns to face his family with her cheeks reddened, but she doesn't pull away from him, miraculously at ease even now, with her lips red from kissing and his hands around her hips (how did they even get there? Ben is still not sure). She still sits into his lap with no embarrass, and Ben wraps his arms around her, resting his head on her shoulder, hoping he's not blushing too hard. "Sorry," she says, but she doesn't look sorry at all.

She has kissed him. It means nothing, he knows that all too well, it's just acting - but she has kissed him. And he's exactly the pathetic, sorry excuse of a human being that gets too worked up about it.

His father smirks again. "You don't need to apologize, we're all adults here," he says, his eyebrows shooting up in a telling manner. Ben blushes again, groaning, and Rey laughs, stroking his scalp soothingly because she knows him too well, but before any of them can say anything, he hears his mother cursing from the kitchen.

Amilyn frowns, her blue eyes worried. "Leia, sweetie, is everything alright?"

Leia makes her way back in the living room with a sigh, a hand at her temple and her eyes narrowed, her usual expression when something goes suddenly wrong. "It's Kaydel," she says, briefly. This doesn't mean anything to him or his father, but apparently Amilyn knows what she's talking about, because she nods, understandingly, as she stretches out her hand for her. His mother laces their fingers without even thinking about it, and sighs again. "Her girlfriend broke her leg, and obviously she can't leave her on her own, so I don't have a bridesmaid anymore".

Her words are met with a moment of silence, because no one knows what to say to that. His father looks away, as he always does when there's a problem he doesn't know how to solve, while Ben is actually glad his mother can't talk him into this too, because he has the sneaking suspicion she would try. She glances his way, and his stomach twist, even if he knows technically he's safe. And then, she smiles, and speaks again. "Rey?"

He freezes, but Rey is nothing if not responsive, and she doesn't even flinch when his mother says her name. He envies her that. It would take him almost two whole days to be as nonchalant as she is. "Yes?"

His mother sighs again, and a little, hesitant smile comes up on her lips. "I know it's way too soon to ask you that," she says, sweetly. Dread twists his stomach, but Rey doesn't even tense. Her face is open and she's smiling, and he doesn't know how she manages to do that because he's exactly the sort of anxious mess who'd tense all the way from here until Christmas. "You don't have to say yes, I won't be offended".

He tightens his grip on her waist, and presses his lips to her neck, trying to soothe her, even if she doesn't look like she needs to be soothed. She looks okay, but Ben knows her a little bit by now, and he knows that, even if she was on the verge of a mental breakdown, she'd try to keep it all inside. So he presses a kiss to her skin, even if he doesn't know why would it soothe her. "Sweetheart," he says, gently. "It's okay if you don't want to. I'm sorry-"

She shakes her head, and her hand comes to rest on his, on her waist. She intertwines their fingers all so easily, and gives his hand a squeeze, before replying. "No, it's okay," she says, her thumb stroking the back of his hand as she smiles at his mother. "I mean, I will. It's-" for a moment, she trails off, and he can feel the way she's trying to keep it all inside, as usual. Ben wonders what made her think she had no right to let others know how she feels, but he probably won't like the answer. "It's okay".

His mother smiles too, but he can read in her eyes the same concern mixed with sadness that he's feeling right now. He knows his mother gets it, and that's why she recomposes herself and tries to put on her best smile. "Good, because tomorrow we'll try your dress. Obviously, I had one made for Kaydel, but I think it will suit you all the same".

Rey lets out a deep breath, and Ben, heart hammering in his chest, presses another kiss to the point where her neck meets her shoulder, as if to calm her the way she always manages to calm him, steering him away from every dark thought.

"I'm okay," she whispers, her fingers still laced together with his. She squeezes his hand again, as if to reassure him - Rey, always so ready to soothe him, even in these moments - and she melts against him and he doesn't complain about anything for the rest of the evening.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god they kissed *gasps* what will it happen now?
> 
> i have a [tumblr](http://kylorensx.tumblr.com/) and a [twitter](https://twitter.com/akosmia). i've been a little bit inactive this week due to a very busy schedule and general exhaustion, but i promise i'll be back from now on ♥


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have been writing and rewriting this chapter for like a week because it never felt right, but anyway, here we are and it's time for some bed sharing and other things ;) this is my gift to myself, since tomorrow it's my birthday ;))
> 
> thank you all for all your amazing support, for every kudo and every comment and every bookmark, you literally make me the happiest person on earth ♥ i enjoy writing this little story far too much and i'm so happy you are enjoying it too!

Amilyn finds him in the kitchen, a half empty glass of cold water in his hands and his eyes fixed on the counter, as if he was trying really hard to find some spot of dirt on the immaculate surface.

His father has left a few minutes earlier, and Rey is getting ready for the night in his room and he knows he's supposed to get there and get changed and get _some fucking_ _sleep_ , but the thought of sharing a confined space with her makes his heart leap and his throat dry, and he's not sure he can manage that. Not when all he can think about is the way she has kissed him - as if she wanted to. As if there was nothing on Earth she wanted to do more.

He can still feel the lingering taste of her lips, can still see the way she has glanced at him, lovingly, before leaning down to press her mouth to his. His mind is still trying to wrap itself around the idea of living in a world in which Rey has kissed him, but his traitorous heart doesn't seem to be interested in intellectual speculations, and Ben can feel it in his throat everytime he replays the moment in his head.

It's not going to get better, he thinks. 

So, Amilyn finds him there, staring at the kitchen counter in the forlorn hope the piece of furniture can give him an answer or an advice or a kick in the butt, maybe.

"Ben?" she asks, gently. Despite her light step and the graceful way of her movements, he's not startled by her voice or her presence. It's like some sort of muscle memory, and his body still remembers cold winter nights spent on the porch, Amilyn's eyes on him, her company just a hint of warm colors at the edge of his vision.

He raises his eyes from the counter and finally looks up, flashing her a small, uncertain smile. "I thought you were going to sleep," he says, shrugging, as Amilyn approaches the counter.

Her lilac hair falls around her face as she tilts her head as if to better look at him. "I just wanted to make sure everything's alright," she replies, quietly.

The subtext is clear - it doesn't need saying, of course, but she says it anyway, because they both know that if she wants answers from him, she has to be straightforward.

"Are _you_ alright?"

Her tone is gentle, only vaguely probing. Her questions are kind, not as demanding as his mother's, and he could easily avoid them altogether, were not for her eyes, fixed on him, staring at his face as if she wanted to read his very soul.

He knows he can't really hide something from Amilyn, but, being himself, he tries anyway. "Yes, of course," he says, as if the mere insinuation of not being alright offended him. As if he had not spent his whole life proving his family that _alright_ wasn't a word in his vocabulary. Then, as Amilyn just smiles at him, the corners of her mouth quirking upwards in the same knowing smile he remembers so well, he sighs and sags against the counter. "It's just ... I don't know, _a_ _lot_. I feel like everything is happening too much, with my father and the wedding ..." _and Rey_ , a parts of him wants to say, but he tries to shut that voice up. "But I guess I just have to get used to it".

She rests against the counter too, her shoulder brushing against his. Despite how much he's grown over the years, she's still tall, and so she doesn't look as small as his mother would look, as she stands next to him. It reminds him of her sparkling eyes in the first months after his father had left, when he was barely fifteen and she used to tease him, ruffling his hair and telling him _You're getting too tall, sweetheart, soon you'll be even taller than me. How will we hug you?_

She sighs, bringing him back to reality. "I'm sorry," she says, after a beat, and Ben turns into her direction, raising his eyebrows, utterly confused. "We should have asked you. About your father".

He's quick to shake his head. "Nonsense," he says, and maybe a long time ago this word would have been full of rage and bitterness, but now he's surprised to find only tenderness in his own voice. "It's _your_ wedding, you don't have to ask me for permission. And besides, it was bound to happen".

Now it's Amilyn's turn to be confused, and she stares at him with her brows knit together, her eyes searching his face for an answer. He lets out a small laughter at the absurdity of the situation. For all the times he had thought about it, he had never imagined this conversation to occur in the kitchen from his childhood, with Amilyn by his side. Well, to be honest, he never imagined this conversation to occur in the first place, but, well, _life_.

"I mean," he tries to say, searching for the right words to convey what he's feeling right now. But, as usual, the right words elude him, and he has to settle for what he has. "I can't spend my whole life avoiding him, no matter how much I'd like that. Maybe I can make things right, for once".

Amilyn's gaze is unreadable as always, despite having known her for as long as he can remember. She stares at him, blue eyes sparkling in the light of the kitchen, and he's acutely aware of himself, as if his skin had suddenly started to tingle. He feels awfully exposed, vulnerable even, but he trusts her and he flashes her a tentative smile as she studies him.

"That's really mature," she says, in the end. Her voice is kind and melodic as usual, but it betrays something deeper - fondness, affection, happiness even.

His eyes flicker to the glass he's still holding in his hand. "Yeah," he murmurs, shrugging. "I guess my therapist would be proud".

Mercifully, she laughs too, and doesn't ask him anything else about it. Ben isn't surprised - that's the way Amilyn cares about someone, silently and gently, but never faltering. Her love is as sure as the never wavering light of a lighthouse and he knows that's what his mother (and, maybe, even him) needed, back in the difficult days after her divorce, and despite how much the whole idea of this marriage worried him, he can see now that's the right thing. Something lifts off his chest, and he feels lighter, somehow.

"Still," she says, shrugging, after a few minutes of silence. "I think we should have warned you, but we weren't sure he was coming until he showed up today".

He can't help the little laughter he feels bubbling in his chest. "That sounds like Han".

Her eyebrows barely raise, when she replies, teasingly, "That sounds like _you_ ".

It should hurt, but it doesn't. Amilyn isn't trying to make him feel guilty about it, she isn't listing all his faults or trying to tell him how awful he is. She's just teasing him, with her quiet smile and the hint of mischief behind her sparkling, unreadable eyes, and Ben almost _enjoys_ this moment. He isn't mad, or angry, or hurt. He's - happy, if happy was a thing he could be with his family.

It feels right, he thinks. After all, she's earned the right to tease him a long time ago.

"Ouch," it's all he says, bringing a hand on his chest, pretending to be offended, but instead he feels his own body shiver from laughter, as Amilyn laughs too, throwing her head back.

It feels new, this kind of peaceful intimacy with his family, and it feels delicate. A part of him is afraid of destroying it - all of it - with his clumsy hands and intense words, but he's grown, and he's not the same angry kid he was years ago, and maybe he can build something, instead of destroying it for once. His traitorous thoughts flick to Rey, but he tries to shut them up.

"You know," he says, after a while, when their laughter ebbs. "I was going to show up. I wasn't going to miss this".

Amilyn smiles. "I know," and he doesn't know how she manages to, because he hadn't known until he had set foot in Chandrila, but somehow Amilyn and his mother have always seen the best in him despite how much he has tried to be the worst version of himself in their presence. "You're a good kid, Ben. Despite your effort to prove otherwise," she adds, with a smirk.

She's still teasing him, but this time it hits too close to home. It doesn't hurt, though. It's warm and pleasant, and he can feel his eyes sting, so he looks down at the glass he's still stupidly holding, blinking back the tears.

"Thank you," he manages to utter, when he decides his voice doesn't sounds too shaky. He lets out a deep breath and shrugs again, not sure how to express what he wants to say. _Use your words_ , his therapist would say, but the thing is - he's never had words. He has always had his fists and his rage, and that's all he has been for a long time. Words, these are new. "Not just for this, I mean. For everything. For taking care of mom when I was ..."

He tries to find the right word do define himself, and Amilyn lets him take his time.

He shrugs again. "When I was myself".

Surprisingly, but not really after all, Amilyn laughs, and pats his back with ease. "Shut up," she says, simply, her fingers splayed out on the fabric of his tee-shirt, with gentleness. "You Skywalkers are always so _dramatic_ ".

Despite everything, he lets out a quiet chuckle. "It's in our genes," he replies, and Amilyn shakes her head, with the same exasperated smile he remembers from years ago. He finally settles the glass on the counter and sighs, stepping away. "I should go. I told Rey I needed a few minutes, she'll probably think I've been kidnapped by now".

Amilyn's hand falls away as she lets him go, but the smile never leaves her face as she watches him. Ben wonders if she's about to say she likes Rey too - because of course she does, who doesn't like Rey? -, but she doesn't. Instead, she tilts her head, and the smile gets softer, somehow. "Goodnight, Ben," she whispers.

Ben nods into her direction, and he can't help the strange, new, indescribable feeling of warmth settling in his bones.

*

"You know," Rey starts, in the darkness of his room, her voice barely a whisper against the silence of the house. She's lying on the bed, and he's on the floor, again, even if she has tried to convince him to sleep on the mattress. His back has begged him to, but he's nothing if not stoic (and dumb and hopelessly crushing on her and thinking about her lips _again_ ) and so he's lying on the duvet, his arms beneath his head, and his muscles hating him so much he can actually feel it in his bones. "I actually like your father".

Ben laughs, quietly. "Yeah, I figured," he replies, thinking about her transfixed expression and the way she had stared at him, awestruck. He wrinkles his nose. "Please don't tell me you had a crush on him, it may get weird"

His comment is received with a shriek.

"No! It was not like that!" she says, offended, and he giggles at her indignant tone. He suspects were him not too far away, she'd throw her pillow right at his face, but luckily, he's out of her range. Ben is glad of that - he has the suspect Rey is the kind of person who'd turn even a pillow into something lethal.

Despite her tone, she giggles too, and even if he can't see her right now, he can imagine the way she scrunches up her nose and squints her eyes, the barest hint of dimples on her cheeks.

It takes her a while to calm down, and then she lets out a deep breath. "There was this interview for a magazine, I don't remember which one. It was older than me. Probably older than you too," she adds, her voice more serious than before. "He talked about his childhood in Corellia. I mean, he didn't say much, he just mentioned being stuck there, working his ass off and doing everything he could for scraps of food and I don't know, I guess it kind of resonated with a girl who was stuck in an equally deserted place and had to work her ass off for scraps of food".

There's a moment of silence. It's becoming a habit, between the two of them, and Ben doesn't know what to say, because her words feel so raw and sad. He just wants to hug her, to wrap his arms around her and promise her nothing is ever going to happen to her again, but - it's stupid, making promises he can't keep, and she wouldn't want it anyway. She's strong, stronger than him, and she can take care of herself. She doesn't need _him_ to protect her.

That fact is - he wants to anyway. "Rey," he tries to say, and he can feel the sharp intake of breath, the way her words falter on her tongue as the brave façade she puts on falls away for a moment. She's sharing a lot with him, and he doesn't know why - maybe it's the whole idea of coming back to a family she never had, maybe she's more comfortable around him. Maybe he will never know. But he likes her human side, and he wants to tell her she doesn't have to hide it anymore. Not with him. "I'm sorry, I didn't know-"

She doesn't let him finish the sentence. "Plus," she says, and her voice is lighter, somehow, as if she was trying to dissipate the tension building around them. "He was kind of good looking".

He accepts her attempt to change the subject, because he doesn't want her to be uncomfortable or forced to talk about things she doesn't want to share with him, so he groans and lets out a disgusted noise. "Please, don't say that about my father".

Rey laughs again, and her laughter fills his room. Something in his chest tightens, and he wants to hear that sound over and over again. _I'd die for this sound_. "That's too bad, because I think you look a lot like him, you know".

A blush creeps on his face, and he's glad she can't see him right now, even if he thinks she has him memorized by now and can easily guess how flustered he really is right now. He tries to play it off. "Embarrassing hopeless?"

Another laughter, another fluttering of his heart inside his chest. "I was actually going for scruffily handsome, but that works too," she says, and it takes him all his willpower not to melt into a puddle right on his duvet.

There's another moment of silence, but it's not tense anymore, and Ben finds he likes this - this sleepover atmosphere, Rey curled on his bed, in his room, laughing with him. He never had any friends to have a sleepover with, so all he knows about it comes from movies he'd be too embarrassed to admit he has watched, but this feels nice, and he doesn't want to let it go.

"Hey," Rey says, after a while. Her voice is serious again, and he tenses up a little bit, even if he doesn't know why. "Are you okay? With your father?" and then, before he can reply, she adds, "I know I already asked you, I'm just worried about you".

The thought makes his chest heavy, because apparently she cares enough to be _worried_ about him. He can't believe this is really happening, he never thought he could get this far - he never thought he could get someone to care about him in the first place, and the fact that it's Rey makes it even more absurd. But she's there, and she's not lying when she says she's worried - everything else may be pretend, but the way she cares, genuinely, about him, is not.

"Yeah, I'm okay," he replies, quietly. Then, he takes a deep breath and tells her the truth, because she's been honest about it, despite the obvious effort it took her to share something about her, and she deserves it anyway. "It's just weird, you know? The last time I saw him here was the day he left. He picked up his things and Chewie, hopped in his stupid Falcon and just drove off. He used to do that often, so I just assumed he'd come back like all the other times," he stays in silence for a moment, before adding, "Only he didn't. I waited for him, but ..."

There's no need to finish that sentence - they both know how it ended.

He tries to lighten up the mood, because he can _hear_ the way Rey's brain is working, furiously searching for an answer. He doesn't want her to pity him. He doesn't want her to feel sorry for him. "Well, that's the sad story of Ben Solo, privileged boy wonder".

Obviously, it doesn't work, because it's both a terrible joke, and out of place, right now. Rey doesn't laugh and stays in silence for a moment. It's not quite tense, but it's heavy, and he kind of wishes he hadn't said anything. It's the first time ever he has shared so much about himself with someone - beside with his therapist, and even then, it wasn't so willingly at the beginning -, and it scares him half to death.

"You know, when my parents left me in the streets of Jakku, I thought it had to be a mistake," she starts, after a while. Her voice is stale, expressionless, as if it was a tale she had told so many times before, but he can read in the way she breathes in and out, tremulous puffs of air pushing between her lips, that she's only doing this to calm herself. "I mean, I was four or five, I don't remember it very well, but there was this thought. _There was a mistake, they're going to come back for me as soon as they'll realize._ I waited for them. I waited for years".

A moment of silence, and then she speaks again, resigned. "Eventually, even the tiniest spark of hope I preserved gave out".

As usual, he doesn't know what to say to that. He has spent a good part of his teenage years sitting on the porch, the lights quietly going down, the sun disappearing beneath the nice street he lived on, hoping to hear the sound the Falcon made when his father hit the brakes too soon, but it never happened. He knows what it means to wait until that tiny flame of desperate hope is put out by reality.

"Rey, I'm so sorry," he says, in the end, ever the cliché. But he is sorry - he is sorry for the scared little child Rey had been, stuck in a place she hated, begging for food, sleeping on the floor. He is sorry, for everything that happened to her. "Fuck, you didn't deserve any of that".

She lets out a small laugh, broken and hesitant. "It's okay, Ben," she tells him, reassuring him, comforting him, as if her past was a wound on his soul, not on hers, but even like this her voice is more hesitant and tremulous than usual.

He wishes he was better at this kind of things - talking. Be there for her. Doing something for her, just as she has calmed him so many times by now. But he isn't - he's just awkward, hopeless Ben Solo, and there's nothing he can do about that.

"I'm not saying this because I think my pain is more valid than yours. I might have in the past, but ... Everyone has it bad, there's no use to compare. It's just-" she breathes in, and out. Her voice is so _small_ , and Ben wants to hug her, but at the same time he has never admired anyone so much. It must have taken a lot of strength to survive all of that without breaking, and, as always, he's awestruck by her very existence. "I get it. That's what I was trying to say. I get it. You're not alone, Ben".

And, for the first time, it's true. He's not alone, when she's there with him, holding his hand through everything and smiling at him, reminding him of calm when his minds is at war. "Neither are you," he whispers back. He hears her gulp, and even if something in him dies to raise to his feet and hold her to his chest, caress her hair and tell her it's okay, he doesn't. He doesn't know if he's allowed to. "I'm sorry my mother talked you into being her bridesmaid," he adds, instead.

At that, Rey laughs again, this time more surely. "Are you kidding? I have never been anybody's bridesmaid, and I probably never will. This is my only chance," she replies, and he smiles, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. Her voice resounds in the confined space of his room, and he feels surrounded by her - by her presence, and her warmth. It's nice. "It's just weird. I don't know how to, well, just have a family? I have never been loved like that and I don't know how to let people love me, I suppose. Not that any of this is real, I know they're not really my family, it's just weird. I hope I'm not messing it up".

_Not that any of this is real_ , she reminds him. It does not hurt - not completely, because a part of his mind has been reminding him the same thing since the whole thing started. It's not real, it's just pretend. But it's nice to forget about it for a moment. "You're doing great. Really. You're perfect".

She hums, a sweet little sound that makes him shiver. There's another moment of silence, before she speaks again, and he almost thinks she's fallen asleep. But, apparently, she's not.

"I'm sorry about the kiss".

He's very glad she can't see him right now, because his face is burning hot, and he suspects his ears are red too. The memory of the kiss lingers on his lips and on his mind, something he probably won't forget for the rest of his life. "It's okay," he says. It comes out high-pitched, and squeaky, and he wants to die right now. "I mean, it's cool, the situation called for it, it was cool".

_Who the fuck says it was cool? Congratulations on being the hugest fucking loser on this whole planet, Ben Solo._

"Yeah," she breathes, and for a moment she sounds lost in the memory too, but - she clearly isn't. It's just wishful thinking, repeats himself. "Had you ever kissed anyone before?"

Ah, the dreaded question. Ben had been wondering how long it would have been before it would came up. Apparently, a few hours. "Of course," he says, trying to sound convincing, but Rey just snorts, and he can't really do this, because it's clear she knows. "A boy in summer camp during a game of spin the bottle. Was it that obvious?"

Another laugh, but she's not mocking him. It's small and warm and tender, and it does a thing to his heart, making it flutter in his chest, again. "Well, you were a little stiff and eager, you know what I mean? But it's okay, I took you by surprise," and then, after a few, excruciating seconds, "You just need a little bit of practice".

At this, Ben flat out laughs, because, sure thing. "It's not like it's going to happen anytime soon, so," he says, bitterly. Then, when Rey doesn't reply, he's struck by the sudden realization. "Wait, are you ...?

Rey sounds breathless, when she replies. "If you want ... I mean, you don't have to," she rushes to say, and he hears her shuffle with the sheets, as if she was suddenly sitting upright. He doesn't dare to raise to his feet and stare at her, because he feels his cheek burning and his heart thunder against his chest in desperate beats. "I just thought ... you know, in case the situation calls for it again".

He's so whipped he doesn't even flinch hearing those words. It's like his brain has turned into a teenage mess, and the only thing he can focus on is the fact that he gets to kiss Rey again. He's never been like this, not even at sixteen, so the whole thing is totally new for him, but he can't even be bothered with embarrassment. Thirty years old, and trembling because Rey wants to kiss him, even if for practice. Pathetic, really, but he doesn't even care. "Oh," he says, stupidly. "You're- you're right. Do you want to ... _now_?"

"Well, if it's okay to you ..."

Everything is okay for him right now. She could order him to walk on his hands while singing the whole of Africa by Toto and he'd do it, no question asked. "Yes," he says, maybe a little bit too eagerly,. "What ... I mean, how ...?"

_Finish a fucking sentence, Solo._

She laughs again, and this time is not small or broken. It's pure and silvery and so full, and Ben's chest tightens again. "Just come here, Ben," she whispers. Her voice is low and sweet and, _fuck_ , okay, this is not going the way he thought these days would go, but he's not going to complain. He nearly jumps to his feet, and he's so worked up ( _already_ ) that he doesn't even notice the way his back protests at the sudden movement.

Rey is sitting on his bed, her legs crossed, her eyes on him. He can't see her very well in the dark, only the outline of her and her face, bathed in the moonlight. Her hair is down and she's tilting her head to the side, staring up at him with a little smile on her lips, and his head is suddenly spinning. He manages to sit on the edge of the bed, his hands in his lap, fidgeting with them, unsure of what to do, and she laughs again, kindly.  

"Hey, it's okay if you don't want to," she whispers, her gaze on him, but he shakes his head, nervously, because he doesn't remember how to speak anymore. Words. He's heard of them. It would be nice to remember at least one. "Are you sure? I don't want to force you, Ben, it's-"

"It's okay," he breathes out, in the end, giving her a small, nervous smile. "I want to do this. To get better at it, I mean, obviously, what other reason-".

She laughs again, and then she scoots closer, effectively shutting him up. Her presence envelopes him - her flowery scent, and her warmth, and the fact that she's there, and he's suddenly aware of everything, his sense dulled and sharpened at the same time. She sits on her knees now, and looks at him with a smile. When she stretches out her hand and reaches for his face, cupping his jaw and stroking his cheekbone with her thumb, Ben lets out a whimper.

"Relax," she whispers, sweetly, as she moves closer, closer, _closer_. "I'm not going to hurt you, sweetheart," she tells him, and _oh_ , the things her voice does to him, her gentle, low timbre as she calls him sweetheart. It's almost too much, but then she's leaning in and she's pressing her lips to his and the world shifts forever.

He doesn't know what he thought kissing would be like - but definitely not that. He has never thought about kissing in the first place, never even wanted it, at least not until he met her, but now Rey presses her lips against his own, and he's on fire, and he wants this for the rest of his life. He's rigid and stiff, and he's acutely aware of his hands and the fact that he doesn't know what to do with them, but then she takes his bottom lip between her teeth, biting it gently, and he goes almost limp in her arms. She strokes his jaw, her fingers winding into his hair, and he's boneless and utterly gone, and when she coax his mouth open, it's the most sacred experience he has ever had. The touch of her tongue is electrical, and life-changing. 

Rey pulls away after a moment that feels like a lifetime, just to breathe in and out, her lips curved in a small smile as she catches her breath. "Better," she says, cheekily, as she brings her other hand on his face too, cupping his jaw with tenderness. He's too stunned to say anything right now, and gapes at her as she steps even closer and-

\- with a little shuddering breath, she _straddles_ him. He blushes and his body tenses, but she press a kiss to his cheek, all too happily, and she doesn't look bothered at all.

"You know you can touch me, right?" she asks him, tilting her head just slightly, her eyes sparkling with something he can't quite put his finger on. "Kissing normally involves that too".

He blushes again, as he tentatively brings his hands to her hips. She looks so small his hand spans her whole ribcage, and he presses his palms against the small of her back, unsure of what do to. He's about to point it out, because he's that pathetic, but then she hums, approvingly, and leans in again to kiss him, and he forgets about it. He almost grips her hips, as she traces the seam of his lips with her tongue, and if he lets out a moan, she doesn't seem to mind. The fabric of her top is so thin he can feel every rib, every bone under his fingertips, the heat of her skin pressed against his clumsy palms, the way her heart beats so fast, pulsing in her bloodstream, and when his fingers curve, out of instinct, around her hipbones, she makes a sweet little sound, something between a moan and a gasp and _fuck_ , if that doesn't make him shiver.

When he breaks away to breath, chest heavy and pupils blown wide, Rey stares at him with a smile. Her lips are red, and her eyes are darker than usual, and Ben feels another shiver run down his spine as he looks at her face. He wants - something. Everything. He wants to kiss her again and again and cover her body with his, pressing her into the mattress, trailing his lips to every inch of her skin he can reach, hearing those small, beautiful sounds she makes tumble out of her lips.

He _wants_. And that's his clue to get away from her, because he's gross and-

"Ben, stay with me. Stop thinking," she whispers, so sweetly. Her thumb traces his cheekbone, her skin brushing so gently against his own. He feels both on fire and weirdly calm as she strokes his face, as if he was spellbound. "You're getting good at it, you know?"

He blushes again, because he can't help himself. "Maybe I have a natural talent," he says, going for a smug grin even if he doesn't feel smug at all. He doesn't know how he feels - he only knows she's still in his lap, her legs on both sides of him, trapping him beneath her, and he's desperately trying to think about all the weirdest, grossest things he can imagine, because _fuck_ , she's in his lap.

Rey laughs. She's a lot closer than he's used to, and her body is pressed against his own, and he can _sense_ her shiver and tremble under his hands as she chuckles. It does nothing to calm him. His breath comes out in small puffs as she lets her hands wander from his face to his shoulders, fingers digging into the fabric of his pajama shirt. The layers between them are so thin he can feel the light bite of her nails against his skin.

"Shut up," she whispers, her voice so low and deep.

He widens his grin, his hands splayed at the small of her back, gathering her against his chest out of instinct. As if driven by the same instinct, she arches her back, just slightly. "I feel like I should say something like, _make me_ ".

And blissfully, before he can say something even more stupid, Rey does just that.

She gives him one last lingering look, luminous eyes and mischievous smile that make his heart skip a few beats, and then ducks her head and kisses him again, her fingers playing lazily with the hair at the nape of his neck, and her mouth soft and hot against his. A moans escapes his lips when her fingers curve around his hair and slightly tug at it, but she doesn't say anything about it and she just drinks all his sounds from his mouth, kissing them away.

His hands seem to have a mind of their own, because at some point they start to wander down, down, _down_ , until they brush against her bare thighs, on either side of him. Her tiny pajama shorts have hiked up and now they cover almost nothing of her long, freckled legs and when, out of instinct, as if he had memorized her in some previous existence, he curves his fingers around her thighs, fingertips digging into the soft flesh right there and dragging her even closer, Rey lets out a keening sound and tugs at his hair again and-

_oh_

\- she grinds down on him. He can't help the whimper that escapes his lips as she does it again, and again, and before he realizes it, he's gripping her thighs and panting against her mouth and rolling his hips against hers and-

"Fuck," he says, as his eyes shoot open and he finally comes to senses. _What the fuck are you doing?_ Hastily, he pulls away from her and removes his hands from her thighs, breathing heavily and probably looking stunned and mortified at the same time, but no matter how quickly he tries to regain composure - there's nothing he can do to hide the bulge in his pants, and fuck fuck _fuck_. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have- Oh my God, Rey, I am sorry-"

Instead of running away from him, though, Rey gives him one puzzled look. She's not grinding on him anymore, thank God, as she's angled her hips away from him, resting on his thighs rather than on his lap, but she's still so dauntingly close, her lips a whisper away from his, and her body pressed flush against his, and it doesn't help the whole thing the fact that her fingers are still playing with his hair, tracing small patterns against the nape of his neck. She looks glorious - all messy hair and red lips and big, dark eyes and flushed skin, and he desperately wants her to pin him to the bed and have her way with him from here until Christmas.

His cock throbs at the thought, and he blushes even harder, because there's no way she hasn't noticed that and she'll probably think he's gross and disgusting and-

"Hey, calm down," she says, gently, bringing one hand to his face. She pushes the hair out of his forehead, and caresses his cheekbones with the utmost care, barely a brush against his skin, in stark contrast to the heat of a few minutes earlier. Then, she leans in again, and presses a kiss to his cheek, lips trailing down, caressing his skin. Her words are whispered right against his ear. "You don't have to apologize for it. It's biology, after all, isn't it?".

He tries to nod. He gulps. It's not going to go well. "Yeah. Biology. Just- just biology," and the fact that the girl he has a crush on is basically straddling him still, but he's not going to tell her _that_. He has already made a fool of himself, and he doesn't need to add awkward love confessions to the list of things he has blurted out on impulse.

Rey lets out a deep breath, her fingers still carding through his hair, and then her lips find their way to his jaw. A kiss. Another one. His eyes flutter shut at the sensation, as she presses a trail of small kisses, as if to soothe him. And then, without warning, she nibbles at the underside of his jaw, almost fisting his hair. He rolls his hips out of instinct, searching for a friction that isn't there, and he's surprised to realize they're both gasping for air as he does.

"Rey," he _growls_ , which is, well, new. He's trying his best to stay still, and he grips the sheets beneath him almost desperately, fighting the urge to encircle her waist with his hands and pull her into his lap, and Rey is not helping at all, with the way her lips trail down his neck. This can't be practice, a voice tells him, but he can't even try to convince himself right now. 

She leaves a final kiss to his pulse point, before pulling away and looking at him through half-lidded eyes. "Sorry," she whispers. She's still breathing heavily, her breath ghosting over his skin, and he can feel the way her chest rises and falls, pressed against his. She licks her lips, before smiling down at him, her fingers finding way too easily their way into his hair again. "I wanted- I mean ... I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, I shouldn't have-"

Whatever she's trying to say, it dies on her lips as he surges forward and kisses her. She's surprised and the gasp she lets out as his lips clumsily find hers is so sweet he might cry, but she's quick to lace her arms around his neck, pressing her body so close against his, almost as if she wanted to crawl underneath his skin and hide there forever. His hands are on her thighs again, fingers digging into her skin to pull her in his lap again ( _rightfully_ , his minds adds), and truthfully, he doesn't know if it's him or Rey who starts moving first, but he finds himself rolling his hips in time with her, and he's gasping, desperate for breath but hungry for her kisses, panting against her lips as she grinds down, her thighs quivering around him from the effort, small wrecked sounds tumbling from her mouth as breathes her in.

When she finally pulls away to breathe, her face is flushed and red, and she looks embarrassed, but also happy, somehow. "I think-" she tries to say, her chest heaving with her breaths. She bites down on her swollen lips, her eyes darting down to his mouth for a minute, before she breathes out again, as if she was trying to find some sort of resolve inside herself. Her lashes tremble sightly and she must come to a conclusion, because she angles her hips away again, her hands trailing down to his chest as if to put some distance between the two of them. "I think you mastered that just fine. Your family will definitely buy it next time".

Oh. Right. His family.

He's left speechless for a second as he's reminded why they're doing this in the first place. _She doesn't want to kiss you, Ben,_ he tells himself, as he stares at her beautiful face, glowing in the moonlight, _she's only doing this because of the whole charade you have put on._

And still - she's straddling him, and she's looking down at him with something that resembles fondness in the back of her eyes, and that must mean something. It must. He's not an expert on feelings or relationships, but you don't kiss someone this way just because you want to be believable. He tries not to get his hopes up, but he can't help the small smile that creeps on his face as he tentatively reaches out with his hand and brushes a strand of hair out of her face. The way she holds her breath for a second makes his heart still in his chest.

"That was, uh," he starts, eloquent as ever, acutely aware of himself, of the way his body still reacts to her closeness, of the way something is pooling in his gut, and he wants all but to press her into the mattress and kiss his way down her body. _Not now. Stop it, you creep_ , _she doesn't want you_. "That was nice".

A laughter escapes her lips, and she must know exactly how _nice_ it was, since she was pressed against him up until a moment ago, but mercifully she doesn't comment on that. "Yeah, nice," she says, quietly. She sounds breathless, and her fingers grip the fabric of his shirt almost too tightly. She's still so close and he could kiss her again if he just _dared_ \- "Come on, let's get to sleep".

That's his cue to get away from her. She doesn't want his kisses, she doesn't want him. He immediately tries to stand up, realizing she's still straddling him only halfway through it, and Rey laughs, stepping away from him with ease, as if they had spent their whole life doing just that. "Right," he says, bringing a hand to his neck, nervously rubbing it as Rey lets out another giggle. "I'll- uh, I'll go-"

A sigh, her fingers closing around his wrist. Her thumb brushes against the inside of his wrist, caressing the tender skin there, pressing lightly against his veins. "Ben," she says, lovingly. The way she breathes out his name makes him shiver, and he's still so hyper-aware of her presence, of her scent, the softness of her skin still seared on his fingertips. "Just come here and share the bed".

He had thought he had reached the blushing limit for this night, but apparently, he had not, and now he feels his face on fire as Rey stares at him with an exasperated little smile on her face. She's sitting again on the bed, and the mere act of her running her thumb against his skin in slow, tender circles makes him tremble. It's not a good idea, but his inner protests get weaker and weaker as he stares at her.

"But-"

She sighs again. "We have spent like, half an hour making out," she points out, as if he could forget it somehow. As if he wasn't going to replay this moment on loop for the rest of his life. "I think we're already past boundaries here. So, stop being a gentleman and let's share the damn bed".

He already knows he can't deny her anything and, after all, she has always been right and it makes no sense to protest further unless he wants to tell her the truth (he doesn't), and so they settle in his old bed, Ben blushing furiously as their hands brush against each other under the sheets even if he's trying his best not to touch her in the slightest.

"Relax," she whispers, probably noticing the way he's tensing up, but there's no way he can relax when Rey's there, just a whisper away, and he can still remember the way her body had felt, pressed against him, and the way she had moaned just a few minutes before. The sound of her breath is so close, Ben can almost feel the way her chest moves.

"Yeah," he murmurs, in the darkness. "I am relaxed".

His words are met with a snort. "Sure thing".

He lets out a strangled sound, but everything quiets down when she rolls over on her back, and she clasps his hand, lacing their fingers together and giving him a gentle squeeze. "Everything's alright," she says, soothingly, her thumb brushing over his knuckles. "Just relax, sweetheart. It's alright".

Miraculously, it works and, right before sleep claims him, he thinks he'd like to fall asleep like this every day of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, there was no reason for this chapter except for these two dumb kids to make out, but can you blame me? i just want to pat them on their head and tell them it's going to be alright. and FINALLY. BED SHARING. they took their time with it, but it's here to stay :D  
> i have a [tumblr](http://kylorensx.tumblr.com/) and a [twitter](https://twitter.com/akosmia) if you want to chat or yell at me ♥


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes. the chapter count went up again. i am ... sorry? i know it was supposed to be a short little story, but apparently i have a lot to say and no wordcount can stop me :D if everything goes according to plan, though, that's the last time, i promise.  
> also, i'm posting this from my phone again because i'm crashing at a friend's place for a few days. i've revised this whole chapter yesterday and this morning, as usual, but if you find any mistake, please let me know and i'll edit it as soon as i can! 
> 
> as always, thank you so much for all your support. it has been a couple of hard days, and your warmth and your kindness has been very much appreciated. thank you, for making me feel part of this community. this chapter is dedicated to all of you ♥

He is pleasantly warm.

It's like floating - the surface on which he's lying is as soft as a cloud, and he absentmindedly wonders, in that nice, special place between sleep and reality, if his mother has changed the hardwood floors while he was out for the day or if he's starting to get used to it, because it feels definitely too comfy for something made to walk on, and his back doesn't scream in protest as he stretches, comfortably, without knocking into some furniture. Whatever it is, it's good, and he decides he likes it.

A hums escapes his lips, and he smiles, contentedly, trying to roll over on his side, but when he does, something settles on his chest, preventing him from moving. Something warm and soft and nice-smelling. He likes this too.

It hits him all of sudden.

His eyes shoot open and he blinks a few times, as if convincing himself this is really happening, but it must be way too early for his brain to start its usual self-deprecating routine, because when he lowers his gaze and finds Rey there, her head resting on his chest and her hair splayed around her face on his shirt, there's only warmth and fondness there and, out of instinct, he gathers her against his body, one arm easily swung around her waist to keep her close. Something in his mind whispers that they fit together just right, as if they had always done this.

She's snoring lightly, her fingers digging into the fabric of his shirt, and when he tries to move around to better settle in the bed, she whines, clinging to him as he tries to wriggle. One of her legs is swung over his, her lithe frame slotted against his in the most pleasant, delicious way, and her hair tickles his neck as she breathes in and out, sending shivers down his spine. His hand finds its way to her hip, and he starts tracing circular patterns over her top, relishing in the way she sighs, content.

It's only after a few beautiful minutes that he remembers why he's in this bed in the first place, and a slight blush creeps on his face as he tries to calm down the erratic beat of his heart (and the inevitable flowing of blood somewhere further down). Memories of last night, of her kisses, of the way she had moved against him, hands in his hair, moans on her lips, come flooding his mind, and he's almost on the verge of sprinting out of bed, because Rey can't possibly want to wake up like this, not after he has made a perfect fool of himself last night, but then she nuzzles his chest, snuggling even closer, and she's smiling in her sleep, and he's utterly  _gone_. Destroyed. Ruined. Done for.

How can someone be so fucking  _cute_? How can he even say something, when she looks so happy about it? She seems comfortable, draped all over him as a blanket, and he never wants to let her go. He'd gladly spend his whole life like this, watching her sleep. Is it creepy? It probably is. He doesn't care, not when Rey looks so peaceful and content like this.

It's only when his stomach starts to rumble that he reluctantly decides to move. He's very careful as he rolls her over, covering her with the sheets, his body already missing her warmth. She whines again as he steps away, and cracks one eye open, blinking him in. "Am I late for work?" she asks, groggily, her voice thick with sleep.

He chuckles, and, before his brain starts working again and prevents him from doing it, lowers himself, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head, as if following a morning routine. Rey doesn't seem to mind and she hums, quietly, nuzzling against him again. "No, sweetheart," he tells her, the endearment so easy on his tongue. He tenses up for a moment, afraid of having overstepped there, but Rey seems too sleepy to think about the implications of all of it, and burrows in his pillow, humming softly under her breath as his fingers push a few strands of hair out of her face. "I'll be downstairs. You can sleep a little longer, I'll be waiting for you".

Rey nods and closes her eye again, hugging his pillow.

When he climbs down the stairs and heads to the kitchen, he finds his mother there, against the counter, already up and trafficking with the coffee pot. Ben barely casts a glance in her direction, as he stretches his back and rubs his eyes and tries to make sense of everything that has happened in the last twenty four hours. "Morning," he says, after a moment.

His mother laughs, but she's not surprised by his grogginess. "I'm making coffee," she announces. Ben hums, happily, already tasting the caffeine on his tongue. "Do you want some?"

"Do I want oxygen?" he retorts, and his mother snorts, but pours him a cup of coffee anyway, because she's used to his stupid jokes. It feels very quiet and peaceful, the world not yet awake and come into focus, the sun barely filtering through the windows, his mother giving him a small smile, the memory of Rey hugging him in her sleep. He wishes his whole life could be just like this moment.

"Here," his mother says, bringing him back to reality again. He grabs the cup she's offering and brings it to his lips, as he leans against the kitchen counter. "Are you okay? You seem to be ... distracted".

His mother, ever the keen observer. He blushes, hoping she hasn't quite caught on that, and hums, as he keeps on sipping on his coffee, faking nonchalance. If Rey can do it, so can he, he tells himself, but it's not quite simple when you're a thirty years old anxious mess and your mother knows you better than you know yourself.

_Nothing important, I'm just thinking about making out (and possibly more) with my fake girlfriend whom I very much hope will turn to be my actual girlfriend by the end of this week. The weather is just lovely this morning, isn't it?_

"Yeah, of course," he replies, shrugging. "Just sleepy".

Her sharp eyes don't leave him, but she nods, because she knows him, and she knows he doesn't usually start to exist as a human being before he's had his coffee.

"Where's Amilyn?" he asks her anyway, trying to change the subject, because he has a feeling his mother will get everything if they keep talking about him.

His mother nods into the direction of the stairs, sipping on her coffee too. They've practiced a lot this kind of thing, this silent conversation made of small movements and changes of expression, and Ben is surprised by how quickly he's fallen into that again, as if some sort of muscle memory had taken hold of him. He realizes now, in the first moment he spends alone with his mother, in a sunlit kitchen, that he has missed this - this kind of quiet, peaceful interaction, when neither of them is worked up and ready for a fight, conversation flowing as easily as it can, when it comes to the two of them.

"She's asleep," she replies, in the end, swallowing her coffee. "She's so busy with work lately, she couldn't even get this week off".

Ben can hear the unspoken words in that sentence all too well.  _She could use a hand, Ben. Why don't you try working here? It could turn out great._  All the things she has said over and over again, hoping to coax him away from Snoke, hoping to get him to come back to her. It's not like he doesn't want to - it's just, it's better if he doesn't, for now. These things need time, he tells himself.

But this time, she doesn't let those words out, maybe because she knows it will be no use, or maybe because she, too, likes this quiet atmosphere around them, and she doesn't want to let this get bitter and angry as many interactions had turned out in the past. "Rey?"

He nods towards the stairs too. "Sleeping," he replies, thinking about her, wrapped around him, her head on his chest. "It's been a long day for her too. I can't believe she used to worship dad," he says, shaking his head. "I mean.  _Dad_ ".

Leia laughs, quietly. Even her laughs feels sleepy and defenseless, and he likes this moment so much. He had forgotten what it used to be like - all his memories of the past have always been blurred and full of anger and sadness and people groaning and screaming at each other. He had forgotten there was this also - this, just being in his mother's presence, and feeling safe for once.

"Well, he used to be quite the charmer," she says, smirking. When Ben raises his eyebrows, not quite convinced, she laughs again. "In his own way".

At that, he can't help but laugh. "So, what's the plan for today?"

His mother groans, throwing her head back as she does when she's annoyed. Ben isn't an expert on planning a wedding, but he supposes his mother will be all too happy when all of this will be over. They both will, even though for very different reasons. "We'll have to head into town. I had a dress made for Kaydel, but I think it's going to be a little short on Rey, so we'll have to take the measurements right away if I want it ready for the wedding," she wrinkles her nose, pressing her lips together as always, and then she casts a glance in his direction. "I'm sorry I talked her into it. I know it was not fair of me".

He shakes his head. "No, it's okay. We talked about last night," he replies, because a good relationship involves talking, doesn't it? "She said, and I'm quoting, this will be her only chance at being a bridesmaid, so she's thrilled about it".

His comment is met with a laughter, his mother trying to stifle it by pressing her hand to her mouth. "She's such a sweet, fierce kid, I like her," she murmurs, shaking her head with a little smile on her face, as she couldn't quite believe herself. He can't believe it either half of the time, to be honest - he looks at Rey, and he can't believe she's real and exists in the same world he lives in. "Don't let her go, Ben. I'm serious. She's- she's good".

His chest tightens, and something heavy weights on him.  _She's getting attached to Rey_ , he thinks,  _I will break her heart again_  , but there's nothing he can do about that. He just - he hadn't thought this through, he hadn't thought his fucked up family could end up loving Rey. In retrospective, he should have foreseen it - it was unavoidable, wasn't it? She's just the kind of person who you can't help but love.

In the end, he gulps down the last of his coffee and sighs. "I don't intend to, mom," he tells her, and it's the best he can offer her. It's not a lie - he doesn't intend to let go of Rey, not until she wants him to. Even if this means being friends. "So, do you want me to drive you around the city?"

His mother eyes him, nervously. Her gaze is quiet and firm, the way it always is, but there's some apprehension in the back of the deep brown of her eyes. "Actually, I have a task for you," she tells him, her lips curved into a hesitant smile. Ben raises his eyebrows, but he says nothing, waiting for her to continue. "You have to pick your father up and drive him to the tailor. I had a suit made for him, it just needs the last few measurements. Just, please- make sure he actually takes the suit".

There's a moment of silence in which he doesn't know what to say, trying to grasp her words and the implications, and then she sighs, throwing her head back.

"I swear to God, if I see him walk into the wedding with a Hawaiian shirt and cargo pants I'm going to stop the ceremony and fucking kill you both".

At that, Ben can't help but laugh. "Hawaiian shirts are more uncle Luke's thing. Dad would walk in with a leather jacket, combat boots and car keys in his hand," he tells his mother, and she laughs too, a sound both amused and exasperated. She's stressed out for the wedding - he's not the most observant person in the world, but he can see that all the same, and he can do something for her, even if it involves dealing with his father. He's a grown man, he can face whatever it is this weird feeling pooling in his gut. "Don't worry, I will make sure he buys the suit and that he wears it".

His mother breathes a sigh of relief, as she watches him. "Thank you," she says, and he knows it's not about the suit and the wedding anymore, but neither of them mentions it, and he supposes it's fine this way. They have never been great talkers in his family anyway.

That's why he bites down his bottom lip, before speaking again. "Why did you invite him? Dad?" he asks, because he can't not ask, the question nagging at him since he has seen his father walk toward him the day before. "Isn't it going to be awkward? I mean, you two were married, you don't usually invite to your wedding someone you were married to".

His mother looks at him with her small, pensive smile - a smile he knows too well, a smile she has often gifted him. "Well, it is going to be awkward. But we talked a lot about it, me and Amilyn and your father and- it felt right, you understand? He's a part of my life," she says with an ease he finds surprising.

What he remembers from his childhood are furious screams and his father slamming the door on them, but he knows that's not all that there was. There was his father, raising him up in the air, smiling at him and ruffling his hair, and his warm smile as Ben pretended to drive his old Falcon, and the way he'd tell him he was going to be the best pilot in the world. There was his mother's exasperated sigh as she saw the two of them in the car, again, and her radiant smile when they came back home. There was a family, once. His mind has always done this thing - to discard happy memories and dwell on the pain, but he's trying his best to remember what it felt like, to be a happy child.  
  
His mother reads into his silence, because, despite everything, she knows him too well.

"It's true, we made each other miserable toward the end, but we had spent a lot of time making each other happy, too. I loved him, I still do in a way. He gave me you. I can't erase all of that, and frankly I don't want to," she says, gently, her eyes shining in the sunlit kitchen.

She's staring at him with warm in her gaze and wonder on her face, as if he was the most entrancing, beautiful thing the world had to offer, and Ben almost chokes from it, because he has spent his adult life trying to forget about it, trying to bury the thought of his family deep inside himself, but he realizes just now that burying it had not make it disappear - it only gave it time to start growing roots inside his heart.

"I know you have this whole thing where you pretend what happened doesn't exist and it can't hurt you, and it may work for you now, but this  _kill the past_  bullshit isn't going to work forever, sweetheart," she tells him, her eyes both concerned and full of love. "The only way you can move on from the past is by accepting it".

He stays in silence, unsure of how to react to all of that. For a moment, he wishes Rey were here, threading her fingers through his hair, whispering words of reassurance right to his ear.

He sighs. "I'm sure that's a line from The Lion King," he says. His mother looks blankly at him, and then she lets out a soft chuckle, shaking her head. He supposes he has to give her a better answer, so he squares his shoulders and straightens his back, before talking again. "You're right, anyway. It's just- a lot, you know?"

Of course his mother knows. She smiles at him again, and in a second she's right next to him, her hand lingering on his arm, her thumb stroking gently his bare skin. "Talk to him," she whispers, her voice low but firm and surprisingly kind. "Not today or tomorrow or even next month. Just, talk to him. You both need it".

He nods, letting his mother stroke his arm, tenderly. "I will," he replies, because she's right, of course. His whole life has been a lesson in his mother being right, after all, and he knows he does need to talk with his father, and let go of whatever makes his chest so heavy everytime somebody mentions him. "Thank you," he adds, smiling down at Leia. He remembers a time in which they were the same height, his mother hugging him close to her chest and reassuring him, until he had grown too tall for that. He used to annoy her, resting his chin on top of her head just to hear her groan, like the little shit he was.

They don't have the time to say anything else, because in that moment, Rey walks in the kitchen, looking soft and messy from sleep and rubbing her eyes as she tries to stifle a yawn. Ben's heart fucking  _leaps_  at the sight, because she looks so cute, and he definitely hadn't thought this through when he had said yes to her proposal.

"Hey," she says, groggily, her voice a little bit raspy. It does a  _thing_  to his body, a shiver running down his spine as she comes closer, and he's suddenly reminded of her kisses the night before, her lips pressed against his skin, her body flushed against his, the way she had moved.  _Not the time, Solo, not the time,_  he tells himself.

"Hey, sweetheart," he murmurs back. She hums, as she reaches him and throws her arms around him, spontaneous and carefree, resting her head against his chest. His mother laughs, quietly, as she steps away, and Ben puts his arms around Rey almost out of instinct, leaving a kiss on the crown of her head. It's becoming too fucking easy, he thinks, but he can't bring himself to be upset about it. "Slept well?"

She hums again, her lips pressed closely against his heart. He wonders if she can hear its rapid beats underneath his skin, and what she thinks about it. "Definitely," she says, in the end, and he can  _feel_  her lips curve in a smile against his chest. "I know I've already said it, but your bed is the comfiest thing I've ever slept on. I'm going to miss it".

He laughs, quietly. "It will be here waiting for you," he replies. He knows they both know it's a lie. They can't keep the act forever, and they both are aware of it. But it feels nice to say things like that, and it feels nice to hear Rey almost purr against him, a contented little sound that makes his heart thump furiously against his ribcage. He casts a glance on his mother's direction and she's smiling, eyes shining at the mention of the two of them visiting again. He wishes he could make everyone so happy all the times. "Can I make tea for you? I don't think there's much of a choice but I'm sure we have some Earl Grey somewhere".

Rey pulls away just slightly too look him in the eyes. Her expression is composed and betrays nothing, but the glint in her eyes says more than everything else. She's surprised, he realizes. "It's-" she says, and then bites her lips, uncertain. "It's perfect, thank you".

He smiles, pressing another kiss to her forehead. He wonders if she has ever had someone to make tea for her, instead of the contrary, and he can read the answer in the way she sighs, under his lips. "Go sit," he tells her, trying to erase that thought from his mind. "I'll get the kettle on".

She humors him, and if she's taken aback by the fact he's serving her for once, she doesn't betray anything. But she presses a kiss to his jaw when he brings her the cup of tea, and it's worth more than a thousand words.

*

He's fixing the bed, when Rey emerges from the bathroom, wearing a light sundress, and a warm smile on her rosy lips. Lips he was kissing just yesterday. Lips that felt very soft and sweet and that he'd like to kiss again.

_Stop it, you creep._

"Hey," she says, softly. She fidgets with her hands for a few seconds, staring at her fingers as if they were the most interesting thing on Earth. When she looks up, there's a blush on her cheeks, and she looks so adorable Ben's heart tightens in his chest. "Look, I'm sorry for, like ... cuddling you to death this morning".

Ben blushes too, and his heart starts beating faster, but he can't help the smile that graces his lips. "It's okay. It was nice. I hadn't be held like that in a very long time," he tells her, and then he cringes, wrinkling his nose, because, yes, way to go. "Sorry, that was sad".

He's rewarded by her laughter, full and deep, and oh so beautiful. "No, I mean. It was the same for me," she replies, quietly, when her laughter ebbs. There's still a hint of red on her face, but she doesn't look as embarrassed as before, and his heart tightens again, and he dies to hold her in his arms for the rest of his life. He has to physically stop himself from reaching out to her. "Are you coming with us? For the dress thing?" she asks, bringing him back to reality.

He sighs. "No, actually," he replies, trying to focus on the present, and not how right it felt to have her body pressed against his in his sleep. "My mother asked me to make sure my father actually buys a suit for the wedding. Will you be okay on your own?"

She frowns and chuckles at the same time, staring at him like he has grown a second head in the matter of seconds. "Well, unless your mother and her fiancée are planning on killing me and selling my organs on the black market, I think I'll manage," she says, shrugging, with the same smile on her lips - the one she puts on when she tries to keep everything to herself. Ben has known her for a while now, and he knows the way her lips twist just a little bit, as if some part of her, locked inside, wanted to let him know the truth. He remembers the way she had spoken of her foster family - of how she had felt like she wasn't allowed to  _feel_ , and he wants to tell her she is, that she's safe and he will always listen to her. That she's not alone.

He lets out another sigh, shaking his head. "That's not-" he tries to say, scrunching up his nose because it always feels like the words are there, barely a whisper away from him, but he can't ever reach them. "That's not what I meant," he says, in the end, deflated.

But Rey, somehow, understands him, as if she could read his mind, because her smile gets softer and  _realer_ , and when she looks at him, he can see how much effort it takes for her to allow herself to be vulnerable in front of him, and yet she does it anyway.

"I'll be okay, Ben," she tells him, gently, running a hand through her hair. She averts her eyes for a moment, and lets out a deep breath. "I'm just, you know ... myself, I guess. I'm not used to have people caring for me, so I suppose I don't know how to let others close," she shakes her head again, closing her eyes. "I'm sorry, it's stupid and dramatic. Don't mind me".

It feels - so raw, so intense, so heartbreaking. He doesn't register what he's doing until he finds himself right in front of her, his hands on her arms, gently rubbing her skin. The brush of skin against skin is electrical and calming at the same time.

"Hey," he whispers, softly. Rey raises her eyes to look at him and he flashes her a smile, his thumb tracing small patterns on her arm. As if he could soothe her. "You're perfect. You're doing great".

She leans into him - into his touch, into his words. The way her eyes widen and her lips part as he tells her that she's perfect almost breaks his heart, because she looks so - so  _hungry_  for it, as if she had spent her whole life waiting for someone to tell her just that. And so he does. "You're amazing," he adds, as his hand slowly trails up, tucking her hair beneath her ear. "And besides, you're underestimating yourself. You have let  _me_  close, haven't you? We're friends, I mean".

A silence comes to pass between the two of them, but it's not uncomfortable. She stares at him for a few seconds, and it feels - charged, but not unpleasant, and his heart thunders against his chest, traitorously whispering him that maybe, maybe things are not like that, maybe they're not friends at all, maybe that's not all that they are, maybe she does feel  _something_. He tries to shut up that voice.

"I suppose you're right," she replies, in the end, and then proceeds to shake her head again, as if to get rid of that thought. Her smile is back on her face, but it looks less fake. "Sorry, don't mind me, I'm just being silly. Will  _you_  be okay?"

He frowns. "Me?"

A giggle, and she shakes her head again, as if exasperated. "You'll be on your own with your father, I'm worried," she explains, gently. "Do you want me to go with you?"

 _Oh_. The confused frown melts into a surprised expression, and he parts his lips to say something, but he doesn't know what to say to that. He realizes, not for the first time, that Rey always knows how to surprise him, and rip the ground beneath his feet, and he's always rushing to catch on her, always one step behind her. He clears his throat, trying hard not to gape at her.

"I think my mother will kill both of us," he tells her, and Rey smiles, fondly, but she looks like she doesn't give a single fuck, which is the thing he loves the most about Rey - how unapologetic she is about everything. There's a lump in his throat when he realizes that she's willing to fight his mother just to keep him company and hold his hand, and no matter how hard he tries, he can't shake this feeling of warmth spreading through his bones. No one ever chose him over everything else, and here she is, smiling at him, her eyes both gentle and fierce, picking him above the whole world. "No, but really, it's okay. It'll be fine. You don't have to worry about me".

She tilts her head to the side, and he realizes with a jolt that his hand is still on her face, and she's nuzzling his palm. He doesn't dare to pull away.

"You idiot," she murmurs, affectionately. She worries her bottom lip with her teeth for a moment, before speaking again. "I care about you, you know".

Her voice sounds just a little bit shaky, but the determination in her gaze doesn't waver, even if mixed with something he can't quite recognize just yet, and Ben is left gaping, again. There's something that's clawing its way in his throat, and almost splits his lips, but when he opens his mouth, words seems so meaningless. It's like the world has suddenly shifted, its axis tilted - she cares about him. He's someone Rey can care about, and admit she does without embarrass or regret.

"Thank you," he murmurs, in the end. He feels pathetic, but she doesn't mock him or tease him - instead, her smile only gets bigger, and warmer, and almost tender.  _Loving_ , that's the word for it. He almost chokes on his breath, and he feels his eyes sting from the tears. He should be used to it by now, but he's not and it always takes him by surprise, the way she showers him in kindness and affection.

"Shut up," she says. He's starting to realize that's what she always says when he's being ridiculous, but it's impossible to ignore the sheer fondness in those two words. She raises on her tiptoes to place a kiss right on his cheek, her lips warm and soft against his skin, and it's tender and sweet, and for the first time in his life Ben feels peaceful.

And, because he's stupid, he opens his mouth and he's about to blurt it all out, because there's no point in hiding, there's no point in pretending, there's no point in kissing her without her knowing the full truth even if he knows this will only end in a disaster. But it feels so pointless right now to pretend - it feels like everything is spilling from his eyes and from his lips, it feels like she can probably read the whole truth of his feelings right on his face, in the back of his eyes, in the way he clings to her.

"Rey, I-"

She doesn't let him say anything, though. She steps away, smiling brightly at him, one hand on his chest, fingers digging gently into his shirt. She pats his chest, briefly.

"Get dressed," she tells him, quickly, turning away from him and sprinting for the door. "Your mother will kill me for making you run late".

Ben nods, and when she exits the room, he brings a hand to his cheek, brushing his fingertips against the place where her lips have been.

*

"I can't believe your mother put you to this," his father comments from the changing room, his voice clearly audible even if muffled by the door. "And I can't believe you told her yes".

As if there was any other choice, Ben thinks.

"It's mom we're talking about. Have you ever met someone who told her no and lived to see the day?" he replies, as a matter of fact, and his father groans, annoyed. He's been in there for almost ten minutes, half of which he has spent complaining and groaning, so it's not really a surprise, but it makes him laugh anyway. His father's apparent distress over the mere idea of suits is something that he wishes he could see everyday. "Come on, dad, come out of there. I've seen you covered in grease for my whole childhood, it can't be worse than that".

"Fine," he whines, as he exits the changing room with a disgruntled expression that suits his face all too much. "I still don't understand  _why_ ".

Ben laughs quietly again, as he watches his father fix the suit he's wearing as if he was touching something weirdly disgusting. It's both odd and funny, and he thinks he has never seen his father actually dressed up.

Sure, there were pictures of his parents' wedding, but the real thing is strangely amusing. For the first time, he can't wait for the day of the wedding. At least, there will be someone more uncomfortable than him at the reception. He knows he's being childish, but he thinks he deserves to be.

"Mom was worried you'd show up dressed as an old pilot looking for a fight, which, knowing you, you would," he tells him, arms crossed, leaning against the wall as the tailor comes to take the last measurements needed.

The suit actually fits his dad, which is impressive, since Ben doesn't think his mother has seen him a lot in these years - but she's Leia, and there isn't a thing she can't do, so he's not actually surprised when his father looks at himself in the mirror and then twirls around to face him, eyebrows raised and lips pressed together in a grimace.

"So? How do I look?"

 _Extremely out of place,_  he thinks. There's something about his father that clashes with elegant suits and poised receptions, and he can't imagine him walk into the wedding looking at ease. Ben supposes he'd be more at ease in his car, the road in front of him, and someone or something to outrun. He doesn't blame him - he knows he probably looks like that too, like a piece of puzzle that doesn't quite fit in the picture, a wrong note in a pleasant melody. They have both felt out of place often, when Leia's career was involved. For the first time since that rainy day in October, Ben can see how much his father and him are alike, both uncomfortable with the whole world. In his memories, his father was always confident and smug, but maybe he was just better at hiding it, he realizes.

"Scruffily handsome," he says, in the end, with a small smile on his lips. "Mom will be relieved to know you won't walk in with a Hawaiian shirt".

His father grimaces again, this time almost offended, bringing a hand to his chest, as if insulted. "As if that would ever happen," he replies, wrinkling his nose at the thought. "I am not Luke, you know," he adds, raising his eyebrows at him.

Ben laughs again. It almost surprises him how easy it is, how things have changed - maybe it's the fact that they're both here for Leia and trying their best for her, or maybe they've just grown over the years, and now they can face each other with no anger or animosity or unspoken feelings between them. Sure, there's a lot of things they have still to talk about but - it feels easier, somehow, and Ben is glad of that.

They take the suit, and his father places it on the backseat of Ben's car, eyeing Chewie with a telling look. "Don't destroy it," he warns the dog, who has at least the decency to look mortified.

Ben presses his lips together, as they slowly drive through Chandrila. He's surprised by how easy it's to smile, but he wouldn't trade this feeling for anything else in the world. There's an undercurrent of hesitation and apprehension flowing between the two of them, both of them knowing all too well that they haven't quite moved on from their past and there's still a lot to talk about, but it's okay right now. It's okay - they're in his car, the sun shining on them, a light breeze that's coming from the window, ruffling up his hair, and they're talking and laughing and it's okay and he wants to savor this moment.

"Please, dad, I beg you. Wear that fucking suit. Mom is going to kill us both and I don't think she's kidding".

His father scoffs, rolling his eyes, but nods all the same, because nobody knows better than him that  _Hell hath no fury like a Leia Organa scorned._  "She would".

"Of course she would," Ben replies, shaking his head to get rid of the image of his mother throwing her heels at his head, trying to crack it open. She definitely would. "She'd murder us in cold blood and then carry on with the reception as nothing ever happened".

His father laughs. His laughter is deep and loud, and Ben is taken aback by it - he remembers hearing it all the time when he was a kid, sitting behind the old Falcon's wheel, pretending to be a pilot. It's been a while, but it hasn't changed at all, and something in Ben aches at the thought, but a good kind of ache. Maybe things went utterly wrong in a way, but they are still okay in another one.

"That sounds like your mother," he says, shaking his head. He scrunches up his nose, and sighs, before talking. "Don't worry, surprisingly as it sound, I intend to keep us both alive".

"Thank you," he replies, flashing his father a small smile, but keeping his eyes on the road. "Rey will be delighted to hear I will not get murdered".

His father laughs again, and his laughter fills the confined space of his car. "You know, I like her".

His eyebrows shoot up of their own accord. "Again," he says, quietly. "You like her because she used to worship you".

"I'm not saying it's not that," his father replies, to which Ben can't help the small little laughter that escapes his lips, despite his best efforts. Han is still Han, after all, and that's something nice about it, because no matter how things changed, something stayed the same. "But she seems good to you, too. I know I haven't been around a lot," he adds, and even if Ben isn't looking at him, he can feel the tension building so quickly in the space between them. Neither of them mentions it, but they know they're both thinking about the fact that they haven't seen each other in years. "But it's easy even for me to notice how different you are when you're with her. You're less guarded and tense. So, yeah. I like her".

There's a lump in his throat, when he replies. "She's good to me," he says, quietly.

He'd like to say so many things, but the words get stuck in his throat as he tries, so he stays in silence, thinking about it. About Rey, and her fingers playing with his hair, and her lips pressing kisses to his cheek, and how miraculous everything must look to his family. He was never one for physical contact, while growing up, and they probably thought he was going to die alone, and there he is, warm and affectionate and easy with Rey. It takes him a full minute before remembering that he's still going to die alone, all things considered, because this is not real, and it could never be.

His father seems to read into his silence, and Ben can hear his smile even if he's not looking at him. It's something soft, something he hasn't felt in years. Something that his father gifted him and his mother only, when it used to be just the three of them. "You love her, don't you?"

Ben blushes, trying very hard not to drive them off the road and kill them instantly. " _Dad_ ," he says in what he thinks it could be defined as a whine. "I think it's a little bit too soon to be talking about that," he adds, pressing his lips together. It's definitely too soon, probably a lifetime too soon, but he can't say that, so he stays in silence, blushing from head to toe and hoping to disappear immediately.

Han chuckles. Yeah, of course," he replies, trying to stifle a laugh. Ben wants to die, possibly by his own hand. "You got another problem, though".

He raises his eyebrow, not sure he can manage talking right now. "Mh?"

There's a brief pause, because his father, albeit he denies it with all he's got, has a thing for drama. "Women always figure out the truth," he says, solemnly. "Always".

Ben surely hopes not.

"Shut up," he says, voice small and cheeks on fire, and his father laughs again, shaking his head. "Hey," he adds, trying to change the subject, his hands gripping the wheel so tight his bones are almost screaming. "Do you want me to drive you back to the hotel, or ... I don't know, do you want to come back home for a while?"

There's another minute of silence, but this time it feels meaningful. "Yeah," his father says, in the end, with a sigh. "Yeah, let's go home, kid".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know, there wasn't much reylo in this chapter :( but, as you might have noticed and i might have previously mentioned it, i have a thing for family interactions and i love writing scenes with ben and his family, even if this was supposed to be a short, funny story. but i can't help myself ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> as always, i am on [twitter](https://twitter.com/akosmia) and [tumblr](http://kylorensx.tumblr.com/) i might not be very active because, as i said, i'm at a friend's place for a few days, but i promise i will come back online as soon as i can ♥


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not entirely convinced by this chapter, i wrote it over and over again but it still bugs me somehow, even if i don't know why. anyway, i hope it does not disappoint :D
> 
> thank you, as always, for all your kind words and your encouragement, it really means the world to me ♥ also, my friend somehow convinced me to set up a ko-fi, so if you want, you'll find the link on tumblr, but you're in no way obligated to to anything!

"You know," he starts, throwing the ball somewhere in front of him and watching Chewie leap after it with surprising agility for a dog that old. He had imagined him weary and tired, instead, he doesn't look older than the last time Ben had seen him, years and years ago. "I missed this".

He's sitting cross-legged on the grass of the backyard, playing fetch with Chewie and trying not get his arm ripped off everytime he tries to wrestle the ball from that monster of a dog, and it feels like he's playing an old memory on loop. His father is standing next to him, laughing at his attempts to remain in one piece, his eyes darting from him to Chewie to the whole backyard, as if he was trying to impress this picture in his mind. It's with a pang that Ben realizes Han hasn't been there - in this backyard, watching him play with Chewie, laughing at them - in more than fifteen years.

"What? Trying not to get killed by Chewie?" his father's reply is tentative, more cautious than he has probably ever been in his life. The memory of countless fights is still there, an old wound that still pains them sometimes, but for the first time Ben can see past it, can imagine the wound to turn into a fading old scar and nothing more. "Or, you know, the rest?" he adds, gesturing vaguely. It doesn't need saying, and they both know they're not great at talking, so Ben isn't surprised by his father's choice of words.

It's heavy, but for the first time it isn't painful or scary. It's almost easy, to raise his eyes and meet his father's gaze, the usual half smirk on his lips, the lines on his forehead that weren't there before, and smile. "Both, I think," he admits, in the end.

_Talk to him_ , his mother has said, and Ben knows this doesn't even remotely come close to talking, but it's the best he can do - it's the best they both can do, right now, and it has to mean something. It has to.

Han exhales, loudly. The moment stretches into infinity, and Ben realizes it's the first time he has admitted, in his own twisted way, that he has missed his father. Of course, both his mother and Amilyn knew he did, and he knew it too, sitting on the porch for months, waiting for the old Falcon to make that noise he knew so well. And, of course he missed him - it's like his whole adult life has been built around the simple notion of missing his father. But saying it feels different, and for a moment he's terrified of being so vulnerable.

But then, the smirk on his father's lips turns into a grin, as he pats his shoulder. "I missed it too, son," he says, quietly. It comes out almost as a whisper, which is uncharacteristic for Han, so loud and bold, but Ben knows how difficult is for him to speak about his feelings, because it's difficult for him too, and he accepts it all the same. "Hey, careful, Chewie is gonna rip your arm off".

Thankfully, before Chewie can successfully dismember him, they hear the front door unlocking, and his mother's voice filling the hallway as she makes her way into the house. Ben can't make up the exact words, but after a seconds or two he hears Rey's laughter, pure and beautiful and so, so full, and he can't stop the smile that automatically comes to his lips. He has spent so much time with her in the last few days that being apart for a couple of hours has him already missing her, as if she had been gone for months.

He doesn't dwell on the fact that soon they'll be back in Coruscant, and he'll only see her in her coffee shop.

His father, of course, notices it. "Oh boy," he says, raising his eyebrows and smirking at him, his light blue eyes glinting from mirth. "You've got it so bad".

Ben blushes, and he's glad for his mother's voice bursting through the house, before Han can say anything else and make it all too obvious, because he doesn't know how to reply to that. Yes, he's got it bad, and it's not going to get better, he knows it, thank you very much.

"We're back!" Leia announces, and all three of them appear in the backyard, smiling. Rey's shoulders are still shaking from the laughter, and she looks like a daydream, in her light sundress, her hair down, in the old backyard from his childhood. The sun shines on her skin, turning it almost golden, making her freckles stand out. She's radiant, and she looks so happy - something pools in his gut at the thought, because he he realizes at every second that he's going to take that happiness away from her, once this will be over.

But for now, she smiles, and it's worth it.

When she meets his eyes, he knows he's blushing, but she's grinning anyway, and Ben can't help but smile too. It feels so easy, so natural - as if they had always done this, as if they had been made for it, this kind of silent intimacy that has snaked its way into their lives. He remembers the way her body had felt, pressed against his, her head on his chest, the way her hair tickled his skin - so natural, so normal, so obvious.

He has to remind himself that this isn't going to happen.

"So," his father starts, his lips still curved into his usual smirk. "How was this dress ... _thing_?"

Amilyn lets out a gracious laughter, but his mother waves, dismissively. "Oh, the usual, you know. Blood, sweat and tears," she says, her eyebrows arching up in the usual way. But then, she turns into Rey's direction, and her expression softens somehow and her lips curve into a gentle smile, her eyes almost shining as they meet Rey's. She looks so happy, so unbearably pleased, that Ben has to swallow down his guilt and try not to think about the fact that this, whatever this is, is going to break her heart. He really should have thought about it. "But the dress looks beautiful on Rey. She's stunning. You'll be amazed, honey," she adds, turning into his direction and meeting his gaze with a smirk.

Surprisingly, Rey is blushing at the edge of his vision. He brings his eyes on her, and the smile that somehow always finds its way to his lips when she's there turns even softer. She's flushed, and the freckles on the bridge of her nose looks like a constellation, and she's fidgeting with her hands, and she looks so _beautiful_ it takes his breath away at every glance.

It's easy to reply. "I always am," he whispers, reverently, before he can stop himself. His father lets out a resigned sigh, rolling his eyes and shaking his head, and his mother smirks again. Only Amilyn stays unbothered, even if the way her eyes shine and her lips curve into a gentle, encouraging smile say everything that needs to be said. Rey turns even more crimson under the eyes of his family, but when he catches her glance, she gives him a smile and for a moment he deludes himself that this is true, that this is really happening.

Then, she turns into his mother's direction, trying her best to dissipate the embarrass. "Thank you for the dress," she says, quickly. "It's really beautiful".

Leia pats her shoulder, gently. "Oh, don't even say that. You're family, sweetheart," she replies, just as quickly, as if it was normal. Ben can immediately pinpoint the moment Rey realizes it - first she smiles, brightly and easily, and then, when Leia turns into the other direction and starts talking with Han, she meets his eyes, and her smile slowly disappears, as the realization dawns on her. The slight pink on her cheeks fades, and she turns almost pale, under his gaze.

Ben hates himself for it. He shouldn't have let her do this, he shouldn't have let her get hurt like this, he-

"What about you? Are you coming to the wedding in an Hawaiian shirt?" his mother brings him back to reality, staring at Han with her eyebrows raised.

His father scoffs, and Ben realizes just now they're going back inside the house. "I don't know why everybody keeps mentioning Hawaiian shirts, but honestly," he says, shaking his head. "I die a little bit inside everytime someone suggests I might wear something like that".

He doesn't hear the rest of it - they bicker their way into the house, with Amilyn behind them, sighing and trying her best not to roll her eyes, but Ben doesn't pay attention to any of it. He walks towards Rey, who's still standing in the backyard, staring at him with a small smile.

"Hey," he whispers, when's close enough to touch her. His hand automatically finds its way to her arm, as if they were linked somehow, and he strokes her skin with his fingers, letting his fingertips draw small patterns against her arm. "Are you okay?"

It feels almost stupid to ask her that - it's clear that she's not okay, not entirely. She has been doing this for so long, he realizes - keeping everything inside, pretending she isn't hurt or pained, and all of this just to help him. It seems unfair, and Ben wants to call everything off immediately.

But Rey just smiles. "Yes. Of course," she says. Her voice seems smaller than usual, almost hesitant, which is something Rey has never been, and something heavy settles in his chest at the sound of it.

His grip on her arm tightens. "I am sorry," he tells her, his fingers digging into her skin, his eyes searching for hers. "I am sorry, we should have never done this. I will call this off, I'll say you have urgent matters in Coruscant and you have to leave right now, I am so sorry, Rey-"

She shakes her head, slowly. "It's okay. Everything's okay," she says, and it's so clear that is not, but he can't force her to tell him everything, just because he's worried about her and he loves her so much it feels his heart is going to explode from all of it. That's not a valid reason for making someone open up to him. "Don't worry about it, Ben. I'm fine, I'm just tired".

He wishes he could find a way to fix everything, a way to soothe her with his words, a way to make it okay - but he can't do that, no matter how hard he tries. He has never had the right words for anything - for when his father left, for his mother and Amilyn, and he hasn't them now, for Rey. So he breathes in and out, and tries for a smile. "Hey, do you want to try the old swing?" he asks her, feigning nonchalance, as if the whole conversation had never happened. "I mean, it will probably be rusty by now, but it's worth a shot".

The way her face lights up for a minute tugs at his heart in a way that he doesn't know if it's pleasant or not. "Yes, I'd like to," she replies, her smile bright and her eyes shining as usual. It's almost like the conversation of a few minutes before had never happened, but Ben knows this is only Rey, trying her best to protect herself.

Nevertheless, he reaches for her hand, intertwines their fingers. Before he can stop himself or talk himself out of it, he brings her hand to his lips, and kisses her knuckles, one by one. Rey doesn't pull away, but stares at him, surprised but not repulsed, apparently. After a eat, she sighs, her eyes closing for a moment, almost leaning into his touch. "Let's go," he murmurs, smiling gently at her.

In response, her fingers brush against his lips, and she smiles too. This time, it looks like a real smile.

The way Rey laughs when she starts swinging is something he will treasure forever. She pushes herself with her feet, with the ease of someone who has always done this even if it must been years since the last time she has been on a swing, and starts moving with grace, bending her legs in time with the swing, and smiling happily, as if it was something special and dear to her.

Ben, in contrast, sits quietly on his seat, barely moving. He isn't sure the whole thing can hold him, to be honest, so he tries his best not to lean too much of his weight on it. Rey laughs at the sight, and it's such a pure, real laughter that he can't help but smile too.

"You know," she starts, after a while. Her voice comes a little bit far away as she swings, but he can hear just fine, the backyard unusually quiet, even with Chewie running around with a stick God knows where he has found. "I loved this when I was a kid. It made me feel like I could escape, you know ... everything for a while".

He stays in silence, watching her swing with grace, her hair falling around her face in wavy locks, brushing against her skin. He dies to reach out with his hand and tuck her strands behind her ear, but he doesn't. It feels enough of a blessing to see her like this - carefree and youthful, for a moment.

After a minute, Rey scrunches up her nose. "Well, I also used to believe that if I pushed myself high enough, I could launch myself into space".

At that, Ben can't help but laugh, imagining a little Rey, wild and determined as she is now, trying her best to launch herself into orbit. "Did that ever work?"

She lets out a small laughter. "No," she replies, shaking her head. Her fingers tighten their grip on the strings as she swings back and forth. "I mostly got bruised knees. But it was worth trying".

He laughs again, staring at his feet, his legs bending just enough to move the swing a little bit. "Well, let me know if you manage," he tells her, eliciting a giggle from her. "Maybe we're on the verge of a scientific breakthrough".

She's still chuckling, when she replies. "You'll be the first to know".

They spend a few minutes in silence, just swinging, and Ben is enthralled by the way her hair moves around her face, graces her shoulders, frames her features. He wants to tell her something - that she doesn't have to hide anymore, that she's allowed to feel the way she feels right now, that this is her family, no matter the fact that she'll never love him. But he stays in silence, because he doesn't know how to let those words out.

"Ben?"

It's too easy, too automatic to turn into her direction, eyebrows raised and lips parted, ready to say something irremediably stupid about it. Rey is smiling - not the usual bright smile he's so used to, the one she puts on when she's working, and serving rude costumers. No, the way she's smiling now is softer, gentler - it's something he has come to know in these few days they have spent together, something tender and loving, something that turns his heart into a stuttering mess in his throat. He has to swallow it down, before he can talk. "Yes?"

There's a faint blush on her cheeks, when she glances his way. Her lashes tremble slightly, caressing her skin for a second, before she opens her eyes again. "Thank you".

He wants to hold her in his arms, and reassure her, and tell her she doesn't have to thank him. He wants to card his fingers through her hair, and soothe her the way she has always soothed him, calm her erratic thoughts, quiet them down for a while. Instead, he just presses his lips together, and then he smiles, quietly. "You're welcome".

_I'd do anything for you. You're the only person who's worth it all. I love you._

*

Rey is somehow off for the rest of the day.

She smiles and talks as if nothing ever happened, but he can see in her eyes that something is not quite right - her eyes don't shine as much as they usually do, and there's the same tension in her shoulders that doesn't ever leave her, and Ben doesn't know what to do. A normal boyfriend would confront her and help her, but he's not that - he's just the guy she's pretending to love, and for the first time he realizes how alone she must feel there, surrounded by his family and him, and no one to call friend. Sure, she said she cares for him, but that doesn't mean he's a friend she can confide in. He's nothing more than a regular costumer she's being kind to, he's nothing to her and she's utterly alone in this, and there's nothing he wants more than to help her.

Amilyn looks at him, kindly, as they're sitting in the living room, and she puts her hand on his shoulder, leaning in a little bit so she can talk with him without anybody else hearing. "Talk to her, sweetheart," she says, gently, her voice still soft and melodic as always, with the tiniest hint of urge behind it all.

Ben doesn't need to ask himself if Amilyn knows. Of course, being Amilyn, she knows. At least, about the fact that something is wrong with Rey. He nods, and Amilyn lets him go, reserving him a small smile.

And talking he does.

"Rey," he murmurs, quietly, when they're alone in the kitchen. She's playing with Chewie, because the dog has apparently found a new best friend, and she barely glances his way, and it feels - too much. He can't pretend anymore, it feels like his love, his worry, everything is spilling from his eyes, from his lips, and he can't hold it inside anymore. "Rey, please. I can't stand it. Are you okay? Please, just talk to me".

She frowns, finally raising her eyes to stare at him, and he curses himself for the poor choice of words. He sounds so - _accusing_. He didn't mean for it to come out that way, he just wanted to help. But when has that ever worked, after all? All he has ever done is making people angry and leaving a trail of tears behind himself.

Surprisingly, she doesn't seem mad.  She frowns, staring at him with her big hazel eyes. "I am talking with you," she replies. Her words are not stern or detached - she looks genuinely confused, as if she didn't really know what he's talking about.

Ben sighs. He almost extends his hand again to brush against her arm, but he doesn't, too afraid of messing it up again. "I just-" he tries to say, shaking his head and wishing he was better at this. Words are not his strongest suit, but Rey probably knows it already by now. "I'm worried about you. I just want to help you, Rey".

She seems surprised, now. Her frown disappears and gives way to a shocked expression, her lips parted as if to say something. "It's nothing," she says, in the end, shaking her head as if to erase the thought from her mind. "Really, Ben. I told you this morning, I'm okay, I'm just tired, it's okay, you don't have to-"

"I'm not doing this because I have to," he replies, quietly. Her eyes are on him again, and she still looks so damn surprised - as if the notion of someone caring for her and worrying over her was somehow foreign and difficult to grasp. His heart tightens at the thought. "Rey, _please_ ".

There's a moment of silence that seems to last a lifetime. She looks at him as she bites her bottom lip, and he stares back at her, fighting the urge to reach out for her and pull her against his chest and tell her he's there to protect her. She doesn't need protecting, he reminds himself. She can take care of herself, he knows that - but she looks so sad right now, and she's all alone here, away from everything she knows, acting like she loves him, and it must be tiring and lonely and he just wants to tell her it's okay to feel, and it's okay to let others know, and she doesn't have to hide her feelings anymore because he wants to listen to her, and if she doesn't want to do this anymore, she doesn't have to. He just wants to make her happy - everything else is background noise.

In the end, she opens her mouth, but before she can say anything, there's a loud noise from the living room, and his family talking excitedly about something. Rey closes her mouth again, and sighs. "Not right now," she whispers, in the end. Ben tries to protest, but she holds out her hand, and he immediately shuts up. "I'm not saying no. I'm just saying not right now. I'll talk to you, I swear. I'm sorry," she adds, averting her eyes. "I know it's not easy to deal with me. I'm not used to being ... listened to. I never realized you could be worried".

_Oh_.

He can't help himself - he stretches out his hand, and brushes his fingers against her bare arm, tracing small patterns over her skin just like this morning. "I care about you," he whispers back. He can't look her in the eyes, so he stares at the way the pads of his fingers slide along her skin, repeating the same words over and over again in his mind. _I care about you_ , he says, but it feels almost a joke right now - he doesn't just care. It feels like, right now, his whole world revolves around her, and there are no words to express something so big, so definitive, so life-changing.

But, he supposes, he can't say that.

She shivers. He notices the way her shoulders tremble, and then he raises his eyes, only to find out she's staring right at him. Her eyes are shining again, but Ben suspects it's because she's trying so hard to keep the tears at bay. "Thank you," she says, in the end. It's breathy and shuddering, but she tries her best to look strong, and Ben is both terrified and awestruck by this small girl who is ten times stronger than everyone he's ever met.

What a pair of strange people they are, he thinks. Thanking someone for caring about them. There must be some irony in that, but Ben can't see it right now.

They walk back in the living room, and Rey acts as if nothing ever happened between the two of them. She sits in his lap again. Her eyes are not shining from the tears anymore, and her smile is as warm and lovely as always, and she jokes and teases him all the same, as if the whole conversation had been just a dream, but he can read her by now, and he knows something is stirring just beneath the surface of her composure.

She excuses herself soon, though. "It's been a long day playing with Chewie," she says, stifling a laugh, and it's clearly believable, since the dog has not left her side since she's stepped in the house this morning. Ben should be offended - he used to be Chewie's favorite human, after all - but he supposes it's okay, if it's Rey. "I'm not used to it".

Han laughs, patting Chewie's head. "I told you, he's a monster," he says, to which Rey laughs too, shaking her head.

Ben watches her silently climb the stairs, and lets out a sigh when she disappears from view. He hears the door creak once, then twice, and then the soft thud as it falls shut. He wants to sprint for the stairs and run after her, but he doesn't want to seem too eager or too clingy, so he sighs again, and turns to face his family again.

It doesn't surprise him to realize they're staring right at him. Maybe they have noticed too, he thinks. At least his mother has, by the way her lips are pressed into a thin line, and her eyes are just a little bit worried. She studies his face, her eyebrows knit together, and Ben doesn't know what she's seeing right now in him - he never knew. It's always been like this - his mother studying him, mapping out his face and his expression, and then keeping the results of it for herself. Better like this, he supposes - he doesn't really want to know what his mother thinks of him.

"You should go after her," she tells him, in the end, as her lips distends into a small smile. He tries to protest, but she shushes him, raising her hand and shaking her head, a politician through and through. "We'll drive Han and Chewie back at the hotel, you go after your girlfriend," she adds, and Ben blushes just a little bit, because, even after all these years, he's always surprised by how well his mother can read every situation. "She needs you, honey".

She doesn't need him - she never has. Rey is something wonderful and strong, and she could wrap him around her fingers but - but she's also alone and frail and she has kept everything to herself up until this moment, and maybe she can't anymore. Maybe the walls she has put up have been slowly breaking, and something has made them crumble down.

"I am sorry," he whispers, in the end, pressing his lips together. He averts his eyes, staring intently at his hands as he feels his family's gaze on him. He can imagine them even if he's not looking at them - his father's frown, Amilyn's quiet, pensive smile and his mother's eyes, piercing and gentle at the same time. "She's been ... through a lot. She's not used to this. I should have thought about it. I should have not brought her here. Fuck, I am so stupid".

He can hear a sigh. "Ben, it's not your fault. It's not Rey's fault, either," Amilyn says, gently, as if to reassure him, her voice as soft as always, her words barely a caress against his consciousness. "It's okay. Just talk to her".

He follows his mother's advice. He waves goodnight to the rest of his family, scratches Chewie's head (because he deserves it - he has basically helped Rey thought everything today), and then slowly climbs the stairs, trying to calm his heart. It feels like it's trying to run out of his ribcage, and he doesn't know why he's so nervous, but he is.

When he opens the door of his room, he hears a muffled sob, and Rey is there, sitting on his bed, trying to stifle her sobs with one hand, her body shivering from the effort of keeping everything inside. The tears she has spent so much time fighting are running freely, and she isn't even trying to pretend anymore. She doesn't even notice him as he enters the bedroom, and out of instinct, he sits beside her, and wraps his arms around her waist, pulling her close to his chest.

She jumps, surprised, and she tries to put on a fight and pretend everything's okay, but he rubs circles against her hipbone with his thumb, slowly, and she sags against him. "Hey, it's me," he whispers in her ear, soothingly, and Rey lets out a small sob as he pulls her even closer. "Talk to me, sweetheart. Please. I'm here for you. I've got you," he adds, almost rambling. He presses a kiss right to her forehead, and Rey sobs again, trembling underneath his hands as she does. It breaks his heart, but he tries not to think about it - he wants to focus on her and only her. "Please".

She sniffs, shaking her head, but she doesn't move away from him. "It's stupid," she says, after a moment, her voice trembling, and Ben tightens his grip on her, careful not to hurt her, but also not to let her think she's on her own. He doesn't know how to talk to someone, he doesn't know how to reassure someone with his words, so he holds her, rubbing her back, drawing circles along her hipbone, reminding her, without even uttering a words, that he's here.

"It's not stupid," he tells her. He presses another kiss to her forehead, hoping to reassure her. It doesn't make sense - it shouldn't reassure her, to be so close to him, but somehow it does, because she trembles and shivers, but she closes her eyes and rests her head against his chest, melting into his touch, even as she keeps on sobbing. "Remember what you told me when I was talking about my family? You have every right to feel what you feel. Nothing is stupid if it makes you feel bad. You're allowed to _feel_ , Rey," he reminds her, and for a blessed moment, Rey laughs.

"I should have known you'd use it against me," she says, sniffing again. He lets out a little laugh too, as Rey tries to breathe in and out, calming her sobs. "It's just- I was used to it, you know? To be on my own. I never had someone to take care of me, to make me food and buy me clothes and just _love_ me and I was fine with it. I really was. I mean, you can't miss something you never had," she tells him. Her voice breaks a little, and Ben holds her through another fit of sobs, his arms around her waist, his hands pressing against the fabric of her top. "But then, this happened," she adds, gesturing vaguely around her.

Something in his heart breaks all over again. "Rey," he murmurs, his fingers gripping her top almost forcefully. He'd like to protect her from everything she's feeling, he'd like to show how much he cares for her, etching the notion on her skin - but he can't. "I'm so sorry, I should have thought about it," he says, instead, stroking her hipbone with his thumb, tracing small patterns.

She's still breathing heavily, sobs barely contained, when she speaks again.

"No," she replies, quietly. Her voice is so small, as he has never heard it, and it's so heartbreakingly human. Without even realizing it, he brings her even closer, if possible, as if holding her in his arms could protect her from everything else. Wishful thinking, he knows - but he can't help himself. "I mean, it was my idea. It's just- I didn't think it could affect me this way. I never knew what being loved felt like. I never had a family, never had someone who made me tea and treated me kindly," she explains. Her body is shivering again, and it's clear she's trying her best to bite down the sobs. She can't prevent the tears from falling, though, and he can feel them as they run down her cheek and land on his shirt. "And it's just so- so _big_. I have never felt so loved in my life and I-"

She pulls away from him, trying to breathe in and out. "And _fuck_ ," she lets out, bringing her hands to her face, hiding herself from him. "This isn't even- it's not _real_ , they're not my family, they will never be my family, I'm really that pathetic".

The reminder should hurt, but instead, it only makes his heart tighten again, as he watches her crumble in front of him. Rey - sweet, wonderful Rey, who always has a kind word for him and a cup of tea ready for whenever he feels down or sad or just his usual grumpy self - is crying in his arms because it's the first time she feels loved, and Ben can't take it. It doesn't matter if everything between the two of them isn't real, it doesn't matter she's only pretending - she has to know.

She has to know she's loved.

"Hey," he says, gently. He relaxes his grip on her, only to bring his hand on hers,  peeling them away from her face and holding them in his, brushing his thumbs against her skin, rubbing circles, trying to soothe her without tearing his eyes away from her face. Her eyes are puffy and red, and her face is splotchy, her hair falling around her in messy waves, and she looks so small and young, more like the kid she has been, at some point in her life. "Hey," he repeats, as he tentatively lets go of her hand, only to cup her face, his thumb stroking her jaw in slow, rhythmic movements. "You are not pathetic. You are _not_ ".

Rey looks away, averting her eyes and biting down on her bottom lip. "It's okay, I know I am".

He brings his fingers under her chin and gently urges her to look him in the eyes again. It's with a sense of surprise that he takes the fact that she lets him do it without uttering a protest. "You're not," he repeats, gently. "This ... _thing_ between us, I don't know what it is, it may not be real, but my family is. They're there and they're real and they adore you. They will always be here for you, Rey, I promise".

A sad smile makes its way on her face, twisting her features. "It's not like I can barge in here yelling _Hey I know I fake dated your son, but now you should love me_ ".

He strokes her chin, gently, and gives her a small, hopeful smile. "Honestly, they'd be cool with it and you know it," he tells her, and he's rewarded by the first true smile he has seen from this morning. She smiles, and it's still somehow broken, but it's not as sad anymore, and she looks more like herself. He wants to wrap his arms around her and protect that smile with his life. "Rey, I'm serious. You have a family here. No matter what happens, no matter how this will go, they'll always welcome you with open arms".

Rey looks at him, her eyes full of tears. Her sobs have ebbed, and her breath doesn't sound as heavy as before, and when she steps closer and rests her forehead against his chest, he reacts immediately and wraps his arms around her, holding her close to his body. She grips the fabric of his shirt, and her nails almost dig into his skin, as she breathes in and out. It feels like she's trying to nestle her body into his, disappearing into him. It's with a pang he realizes that maybe nobody has ever held her like this before.

He can't stand the idea. "You are loved, sweetheart," he tells her, out of instinct, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head. Rey sucks in a breath, but she doesn't reply - her only response is the tightening of her grip on him, her body pressed even closer against his. "You are so, so loved," he adds, punctuating every word with a feather-like kiss on her forehead.

Rey melts into him, and after a while she's not so tense and desperate anymore. Her fingers loosen their steely grip on him, but she doesn't pull away. She just rests her head against his chest and quietly breathes in and out. "I'm sorry, it's stupid. I shouldn't make you worry like this".

He cards his fingers through her hair, pushing it back from her face. "Rey, I care about you. And it's not stupid," he tells her, trying to pour in these words everything he's feeling right now. "I'm sorry I didn't notice it sooner".

She shakes her head against him. "No, I mean, I'm so used to keep everything to myself. I guess that's what happens when you grow up like I did," she explains, and really, it's no surprise, but the way she says it, as if it was a matter of fact, a reality she can't avoid, makes his heart even heavier somehow. Out of instinct, his grip on her tightens, and he presses another kiss to her forehead. "I just- your mother has been _so kind_ to me. She was so full of compliments and kind words, and she even paid for the dress. I mean, she was going to pay for it anyway, it's not like she did it for me, specifically" she adds, managing to shrug even if everything of her is pressed closely against him. "But nobody had ever done that for _me_ in my life".

He strokes her hair, again. "And you didn't think we are such pretentious bourgeois?" he asks, because he's, well, himself. Surprisingly, Rey laughs, and her body trembles against his, but it's nice this time, and he's glad of that - he may be an idiot and unable to say the right thing, but Rey is laughing somehow, and that's worth everything.

"Yes," she replies, with a smile that he can feel pressed against his heart. Ben laughs too, pushing his fingers through her hair to keep it away from her face. Rey quietly hums as he does - the happy little sound he knows so well by now, and that makes his chest leap again. "But I also felt cared for, in a way. I never had someone to be that kind to me. To treat me like ... like a daughter. I know it's not real but... it felt nice".

He breaks away just to stare her into her eyes. He brings his hand on her face, wiping away the last trace of tears, and caressing her skin with his thumb, gently, as if to reassure a startled animal. "It is real, Rey, I promise you," he tells her. It's intense, and raw, but Rey doesn't even flinch. She looks right at him, and there's something on her face that resembles hope. The small smile on her lips is worth everything. "They all love you. And I'm sure they won't care if you're dating me or not, they love you because of _you_. This is real".

Rey nods, her lashes brushing against her cheeks as her eyes flutter shut for a moment. "Thank you," she whispers. Her hand is on his chest, pressed right against his heart, and her fingertips dig into the fabric of his shirt, toying with it, as if she wanted to pull him in, somehow. "Thank you. For showing me what it means to be loved".

_If she only knew._ But he can't tell her that, not right now, not when she's tired, and has spent the day fighting back tears. It doesn't matter, anyway - the only thing that matters is that she knows she's loved. Even if she doesn't know how much. "Let's get to rest, okay?"

She nods again, more surely this time. Then, as her hand falls away from his chest, her cheeks turn pink, and she stares at him through her lashes, as if her next words embarrassed her somehow. "Can you hold me? In bed, I mean," she asks, her voice hesitant and small. "If you're ... okay with that".

He'd hold her from here to infinity, if she only asked. He gulps, and nods, a strand of hair falling on his eyes. Rey pushes it back with a tender smile, while he replies, "Of course".

When a few minutes later he finds himself curled around her small body, her back pressed tightly against his chest and their fingers intertwined against her abdomen, Ben sighs, pressing a kiss into her shoulder so easily. "You are loved," he tells her again, just to remind her. She melts into him again, breathing deeply. "You are so, so loved".

_By no one more than me._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah ... i'm sorry? it wasn't supposed to be angsty, but i am all about issues and tears, apparently, so, ehm, sorry? i promise you this is going to be okay!
> 
> as always, i am on [twitter](https://twitter.com/akosmia) and [tumblr](http://kylorensx.tumblr.com/), come chat with me even if i'm terrible at human interactions ♥


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okayyy, this is the chapter that has stressed me the most in my whole life, I've spent a week trying to fix it and rewriting it until it was okay and I'm still not quite convinced of it. I know I always say it, but believe me, this has been hell :D also, it's longer than usual, but I didn't feel like splitting it because all of it should be read together in my mind. Sorry if it's too long, I promise I'll try to stop myself next time! :D
> 
> also, thank you all for all your support! Even when I wasn't sure about last chapter, you made me feel good about it with your kind words and kudos and messages, so thank you so much guys, you are really the best community a writer could ask for ♥
> 
> there's a ko-fi link on my profile on tumblr if you want, but as always, there's no obligation at all!

When he wakes up, he finds himself with a handful of Rey. Sleepily, he realizes that it's kind of becoming a habit, to wake up in his childhood room, tangled with Rey under the sheets of his old bed, her hair tickling his skin where it brushes against his neck, her breath even and calming under his palms, and Ben is definitely not going to complain.

He's not surprised to realize that he likes this - the quietness of this moment, the way Rey leans into him, holding onto him in her sleep, their fingers still entwined on her stomach. Her back is pressed against his chest, just the way they have fallen asleep last night, and he can feel, under the pressure of his hands, the way her chest rises and falls at every breath, both natural and entrancing. She's snoring lightly, and the detail makes his heart clench, for some reason he can't figure out.

Before he can stop himself, his head drops on her shoulder, marveling at the beauty of her freckles, and he presses a kiss to her skin, like he's done last night. Rey hums, contented, and presses herself even closer, holding onto his hand as if it was the most important thing in the whole world. He smiles against her skin, as something warm pools in his heart, and his lips trail their way from her shoulder to her neck, leaving soft, worshipful kisses.

Rey hums again, and wriggles closer. "Morning," she says, groggily, and maybe, were this another moment, he would have tensed up and ran away, but it's still too early for his brain to work properly and start yelling at him, or maybe he's too tired to pretend and force himself to act like it doesn't affect him, but he doesn't move. Instead, he presses another kiss, right at the point where her neck meets her shoulders, and he sees her lashes trembling slightly in the quiet morning light as she sighs, clearly pleased.

"Morning, sleepyhead," he whispers, against her skin. She giggles and his heart feels on fire right now, and instinctively he tightens his grip on her, happy to hear her laugh again after last night. "Slept well?"

She nods, as her fingers move away from his hand only to start trailing up and down his arm, leaving goosebumps in their wake. She traces small patterns over his skin, with an ease that should be surprising, but it isn't. It's like this weird, intense intimacy has crawled its way into their relationship, and now it feels normal to touch like this - to kiss her skin, to let her fingers wander, to keep her close and hold her as if nothing else mattered.

It feels so easy, he can almost picture a life in which all of this happens for real - he'd wake up early just to make her breakfast, making sure to pile up pancake after pancake with the utmost care while making her tea, and then he'd bring it all upstairs as she'd stretch in her bed. She'd smile, surprised, at the sight of him with a tray almost bigger than her, and he'd kiss the smile right off her face, carefully climbing back in bed with her while making sure not to bump into her breakfast. She'd giggle, and he'd press a kiss to her temple, watching her eat with the biggest grin on his face, and they'd be so stupidly _happy_.

Instead, he presses another kiss to her skin as she sighs. She leans into him, her legs tangled with his under the sheets, and he slides her even closer, hands firmly planted on her stomach. Rey chuckles again. "You know, this feels nice," she says, in the end, as her fingers slowly make their way to his hand again. She brushes against his knuckles, as if to count them, and he can hear the smile in the next words. "I don't think I've ever let someone hold me like this. It felt- too real, I guess. Too scary. But instead, it feels nice".

And, because he's stupid, he feels himself close to tears. He clears his throat, only to fight back the urge to bury his head in her hair and tell her everything that's on his mind right now. "I'll always be there to hold you," he says, in the end, trying to laugh and make it pass for a joke but the words are still too raw, too definitive, too _real_.

But Rey doesn't tense. She doesn't pull away, doesn't bat his hands away, doesn't ask him to let her go. Instead, she burrows into him, as if the feeling of him enveloping her made her feel safe, and almost _purrs_. "You know, when all of this is over ..." she starts, fingers hesitantly trailing again up and down his arm. "You should come to my place more often".

There's a small silence, and then she adds, "To hang out, I mean. I like being with you".

It's still early, so his usual self-deprecating thoughts are not fully operational right now, and instead of thinking he's imagining things, he's only mildly surprised. "Are you for real?"

Rey lets out another chuckle, and then, without a warning, she rolls over to face him. His arm is still slung around her waist, and she's closer than he thought she could be. Her eyebrows are arched, but the smile on her lips is gentle, soft.

"Of course I am," she says. His palms rest at the small of her back, and her breath ghosts over his skin as she brings her hand to his chest. Her hair is messed up from sleep, and despite the fact that she looks better, it's still clear that she has somehow cried herself to sleep. Still, she's the most beautiful person Ben has ever seen. "You're like, the only person I feel so comfortable with. I like hanging out with you".

It's not a love confession, but to Ben, it feels more or less like the same thing. His heart starts to hammer in his chest, and he wonders if Rey can hear it, under the gentle pressure of her palm. "I'd like to," he whispers, in the end. He knows there's a faint red on his cheeks, and he can only hope his hair has not moved too much and the tips of his ears are not that visible. But, all things considered, he doesn't care. "You're the only person I feel comfortable with, too".

That's not all, obviously - she's the only person that makes it all worth it, she's the only person who can reach him even when his mind starts to wander, she's the only person he'll ever love, probably. But for now, it's enough.

The smile Rey gives him is radiant, so bright it puts the morning light to shame. "Good," she says, in the end. Her hand starts to wander again, and trails up from his chest, where it rests against his heartbeat, to his face, cradling it. Her fingers play with the hair at the base of his neck, and it takes him a lot not to go boneless into her arms. He tries not to whimper as she strokes his hair. "Thank you for last night. I shouldn't have broken down like that, but you were really kind".

Before he can stop himself, he presses a kiss to her palm. "I know it doesn't come easy to you, and I'm- I'm not blaming you. I understand. But I want you to know that I'm here for you. You can tell me things," he tells her, gently. She parts her lips to say something, but he leaves another kiss against her palm, and gives her a tentative smile. "I'm just sorry it took me so long to notice you were feeling so bad".

She shakes her head, a strand of hair falling on her forehead. It's easy and normal and automatic to reach out with his hand and push it away, tucking it beneath her ear, and then press his palm at the small of her back again. "No, it wasn't ... It's not _bad_ ," she tries to say, her eyes fixed on him. "It's just overwhelming. I never knew that being loved could feel so, I don't know. So big. So real. Not that any of this is real, I know-"

"It is," he interrupts her. The words are more intense in the light of the day than they were last night, but he doesn't regret them, as he usually does. He means them, and he wants Rey to know. "It is real. I don't care what happens, Rey. You'll always have a family here," and then, quieter, because he knows he won't find the courage again, he adds, "And you'll always have me. Always".

A muscle in her jaw clenches, and he can see the resolve in her eyes even before she moves. It happens so fast, but it's almost like he can see the scene unfolding in slow-motion, every movement spanning into a matter of years when it's actually mere seconds - Rey sucks in a breath and sighs, her shoulders rising and falling with a slight shiver, and then eyes flutter shut, her lashes trembling slightly, and she moves, pressing her lips right on his.

The world stops for a minute, and then it starts spinning again in the opposite direction.

The kiss is different from the ones they've been exchanging in the past days - it's not so heated and charged, it's more like something fragile and delicate blossoming under his fingertips. He keeps his hand at the small of her back, holding her close, but not even daring to press his fingertips against her skin, as if he could somehow break her. This moment feels too sacred, too precious for anything else. Her fingers push through his hair as she kisses him, her body sliding even closer to him, her legs wrapped around his as if she wanted to cling to him for dear life. She hums in his mouth when he traces the seam of her lips with his tongue, just as she has done what it feels like a lifetime ago, and she holds onto him as if she was holding her only lifeline. The way she presses against him feels almost holy, in the quiet stillness of the morning.

When she pulls away, Ben is left breathless and stunned, his heart racing in his chest. She can feel it, because the corners of her lips quirk up, and he's left gaping, not entirely sure he even remembers how words work. Her eyes are so green up close, and they are full of adoration.

Before he can ask for any explanation, a knock on the door startles them both, and Ben sits upright almost immediately, stupidly pulling the sheets around as if to cover the both of them, even if they're very much clothed. "I'm sorry to wake you up like this, but please, make yourself decent!" Leia exclaims, from the other side of the door, and he curses his mother for her timing. Her voice is loud, and bordering on irritated, though Ben can easily pinpoint her frustration is not directed at him, for the first time in his life. That's. Well. Weird. "We have a party to plan!"

Rey sits up too and turns into his direction, confused. "A party?"

*

"So," Rey's voice comes muffled by the door of the bathroom, but he can hear her just fine, as he tries to fix his ridiculous bow-tie. He has not worn one in ages - definitely not since graduation -, but his mother has insisted, and when Leia Organa insists, the world follows her lead, so. Bow-tie. "This is not a bachelorette party".

He snorts in front of the mirror, remembering the way his mother had glared at him just a few hours ago when he had teased her about it. "Definitely not," he replies, as he stares at the bow-tie in his hands, trying to make sense of it and maybe hoping the piece of fabric could somehow tie itself into place. "This is just, like, a reception for people my mom used to work with. People she can't stand and she hasn't invited to the wedding, actually, but I suppose she has to keep up the appearances, you know. Politics, I guess".

The annoyed groan coming from the bathroom is definitely a good approximation of how he feels right now. _Same_ , he thinks. "So it's basically a bunch of old, judgmental Senators hanging around and trying to find the meanest thing they could possibly say?"

"Bingo".

Rey groans again, and he can't help but laugh as he ties the bow-tie into place. He looks ridiculous, but he knows that's the best he can do with what he has, so he tries not to complain. "I hate politicians," she says, from the bathroom. Then, after a few seconds of silence, she clears her throat. "I mean, except for your mother. She's cool".

He chuckles, shaking his head. "Trust me, I think she has said the same thing more than once," he reassures her, and he can her Rey laugh, the quiet, silvery giggle he's so fond of. He has heard it a lot of time in her café, but the way it seems to fill his whole childhood room makes his heart leap. He feels it in his throat, and he has to swallow a few times, before he's able to breathe again.

The door of the bathroom creaks as she exits, and her heels clink on the floor as she steps inside his room, making her way to him. He catches a glimpse of her in the mirror as she stands there, smiling a bit awkwardly at him, fidgeting with her hands, and for a whole minute he doesn't know what to say.

She's wearing a simple red dress, the skirt dancing gracefully around her as she hesitantly moves toward him. The hem brushes against her knees, and he can see the dotting of freckles on her long, bare legs even in the dim light of his bedroom. Her lips are painted red, and she looks - beautiful. Stunning. Breathtaking.

"I'm not-" she tries to say, waving her hand around and gesturing vaguely in the direction of the dress. She shakes her head, dismissively. "I'm not used to be so _elegant_ , I must look a bit awkward".

He catches her gaze in the mirror, and he's too stunned even to smile, because she looks so perfect - but she always does, even after a full day of work, with legs that barely hold her and circles under her eyes. He loves the Rey that tiredly sits at his table and sleepily smiles at him, and he loves the Rey that stands there, in his room, moving gracefully and smiling at him. He wonders how he has managed to keep all of it inside himself for so long, when it was so painfully obvious, how in love he was.

He doesn't even try to hide it. "You're perfect," he whispers, reverently, and, to his surprise, Rey blushes, the barest hint of pink on her cheeks so entrancing and beautiful. He wants to turn into her direction and take her in his arms, and kiss her and tell her everything, but he doesn't. It still feels - too delicate, too fragile. The way she smiles at him makes him falter, but he tries to keep it all inside.

She tilts her head. "You're not so bad yourself," she says, teasingly. It's a losing battle, he doesn't even try to fight it - he blushes from head to toe, and he averts his eyes, staring at the bow-tie messily tied up in place. Rey must notice how awkward he is, because when she speaks, her voice is even softer. "Ben. You look amazing".

He half-turns into her direction, bringing a hand on his neck to rub the skin there, and presses his lips together. "Yeah, right".

She frowns for a minute, staring at him as if she couldn't comprehend him at all, but then her eyebrows shoot up, and there's a faint, almost invisible smile on her lips. She takes a few step into his direction, slowly, as if she was scared he could run off at the first chance. "Ben Solo," she says, solemnly, the corner of her lips quirking up a little bit. She comes to stand in front of him, eyes fixed on his face as she places a hand on his chest. "Has no one ever told you're beautiful?"

It's obvious she isn't expecting an answer, so he stays in silence. Her eyes skim over him, her fingers gently pressing against the fabric of his shirt, and the way she stares at him is so soft, so tender it makes his heart thunder in his chest. Her lips are curved in a shy smile, but the determination in the back of her eyes is enough to make him blush and feel dizzy.

She shakes her head, patting his chest gently. Then, her hands find their way to his bow-tie, fixing the mess he has made of it, with the utmost patience. He stares at the way her fingers work, deftly and quickly. "There you go, now you're perfect," she says, stepping away from him and letting her hands fall away. "How come that I can manage this and you can't? I'm sure you have basically spent your whole life fixing bow-ties".

_Yeah, but you're here and you're beautiful and I can't seem to make my brain work when you're around, so here's that._

He clears his throat. "I, uh. I'm a little bit tense," he says, shaking his head. Rey frowns for a minute, eyeing him, as if she could read an explanation right on the moles of his face. He breathes in and out, trying not to think too much about this morning, about the way she had looked at him right before kissing him. "I hate every single one of this people. They used to make me feel uneasy as a kid, and somehow I don't think it has gotten better with time".

Her lips - her beautiful, entrancing, distracting lips - curve into a smile, and she pats his chest, gently. Despite the tenderness of her movements, there's a flame in her eyes. "They'll have to deal with me if they even dare making you feel bad".

It's nothing his mother hasn't said before, honestly. It's nothing new, after all - but the look in Rey's eyes makes his mouth dry, and knocks the air out of his lungs. She seems so - determined, as if her single point in life was to deal with old people giving him shit.

_I love you_ , he wants to say. Instead, he clears his throat again and holds out his arm. "Shall we go?" he asks her, with a tentative smile. Rey's face softens, and she smiles too, as she brings her hand on his arm, fingers gripping his jacket. It's only by the way her knuckles turn white as she digs her fingers into his arm that he realizes she's tense too. _Oh_ , he thinks, and his heart clenches, because here she is again, trying her best to keep it all inside.

Before he can stop himself, he leans in and presses a kiss to her temple. His lips linger longer than necessary, but she doesn't stop him - she just sighs, her lashes trembling as her eyes flutter shut for a moment. "It's going to be okay," he tells her, sweetly. Rey turns into his direction, surprised by the fact that he's starting to read her so well, or maybe by the fact that she's letting him read her, despite how much she has tried to distance herself and pretend nothing had ever affected her. Either way, he likes it. "If all of this makes you uncomfortable, just tell me, and we're out of here. I promise".

She gulps, then nods. Then, slowly, her face melts into a smile - the tender smile she gifts him only. "Thank you," she says, but it feels like a whole world of meaning is trapped inside those two words. Ben smiles too, and kisses her forehead. When he steps away from her, only to hold her hand, Rey seems calmer.

They walk together down the stairs, and make their way in the crowd of people. It feels so easy to hold her hand and keep her close, so easy to lean on her, as she leans on him. She squeezes his hand through the whole evening, giving him a warm smile everytime she catches his gaze, and he realizes he'd like these parties a lot more, if only Rey was by his side everytime. They smile politely at old men Ben knows since childhood, and he places a hand on the small of her back as he introduces her, staring at them as if to dare them to say anything. Luckily, they must all remember his temper, because no one even dares to breathe in Rey's direction.

She notices, of course. "You're protecting me," she murmurs, as they excuse themselves with a polite smile. She glances his way, never telling him to stop holding her so close, and smiles at him. "I can handle myself, Ben".

He doesn't need the reminder. He knows, of course, but he can't help but keep his hand at her back, and lean in to press a kiss to her temple. "I know you can. I just don't want them to say anything to you," he replies, which makes Rey chuckle for a moment. "Oh no. Senator Sindian is coming this way," he says with a whine, watching her jeweled figure make her way through the crowd. His stomach twist, and he turns into Rey's direction, his mind racing to find a solution. Apparently, Rey is quicker than him, because she grabs him by the lapels of his jacket and presses a kiss right to his lips, innocent enough to be still appropriate for this party, but serious enough to make people turn away and move past them. Her lips are still unbearably soft, and the way she inches her body closer, as if obeying some sort of instinct, makes him tremble.

When she pulls away, he's left awestruck, looking at her with his jaw slack. "That was, uh," he tries to say. He brings a hand to his lips, while Rey gives him a bright, clearly satisfied grin. "Nice. Nice thinking, I mean. Thank you. You really saved my life".

Her smile falters for a moment as she blinks at him, but she nods. "Of course. What's the point of a fake girlfriend if she can't save you from talking to judgmental Senators?" she jokes, her voice barely a whisper so that no one around can hear.

Right. Fake girlfriend. Ben tries to keep it in mind, because it definitely feels too nice, to hold her against him like that, one hand placed at the small of her back, the other on the verge of reaching out to brush a strand of hair out of her face, and count the freckles on the bridge of her nose. Fake. _This is all fake_ , he tells himself.

Rey doesn't seem to notice his thoughts, because she looks around, and the small grin is back on her face. "She's gone, thank God. I don't like the way she looked at you. I don't like the way they all look at you," she says, wrinkling her nose. Her hands are still anchored to the lapels of his jacket, and a part of him would give anything to let her grab him and pull him into a kiss again and again and again. He tries to focus on her words, instead. "They look at you like you're some kind of funny show, and they can't wait for it to start".

He sighs, a bitter smile making its way onto his face despite everything. Rey must sense his discomfort, because her hands make their way to his hair, and she's gently stroking his strands, calming him the way she has learned these day. "They are waiting for it," he says, but it doesn't feel half as bad when Rey plays with his hair and smiles at him. "I was a difficult teen, remember? They probably can't wait for the time I make a scene again".

Rey stays in silence for a second, then, out of the blue, she says, "Fuck them".

Despite the obvious tension in his spine, and the fact that they're surrounded by people who used to make this kind of parties a living hell for Ben, he can't help the deep laugh that escapes his lips, so full and real. Trust Rey to say _Fuck them_ in a room full of politicians because she doesn't like the way they stare at him. There's just something so Rey about it.

"I can't argue with that," he says, and Rey giggles too, her beautiful lips curved into a smile.

Her lipstick is a little bit smudged, but she looks beautiful and ethereal and he's just so full of love everything seems to pale in comparison. The party and the people who used to make him feel like shit - all of this doesn't exist anymore. There's only Rey, and the way she smiles at him, and the fact that he's head over heels in love with her, and it doesn't even matter if she doesn't love him at all - it goes beyond that. He loves her. That's all, there's no big motive, no scheme, no desperate hope in that.

"I know they're waiting for the moment I make the wrong move. It used to drive me mad as a kid, but I suppose I got used to it," he tells her. Despite the fact that he doesn't care about it anymore, she must read some sort of tension in him, because her hand comes to cradle his face, and she strokes his jaw with her thumb. It's amazing how much she has learned him in so little time. "Do they make you uncomfortable?"

She shakes her head. "No, but honestly, I want to punch them".

Ben laughs, and then press a chaste kiss to her forehead. His heart flutters in his chest, because she wants to punch people over him, and that's just mental and absurd and he should be _horrified_ , but instead he just feels - pleasantly warm, as if wrapped in a blanket. "Let's not deck any old Senator more than necessary, okay?"

The way she scrunches up her nose makes it worth it. "I'll try".

*

At some point during the party, he barricades himself in the kitchen, glad for the fact that nobody (or, at least, no old Senator ready to remind him of his teenage years, and how he _"instable" he used to be,_ _is he getting better now?_ Ben is really tired of answering those question with a polite smile and not with a head butt) is around. His eyes scan the living room, looking for Rey, and she's right next to Luke, who has finally managed to cross the world and show up at his sister's wedding.

He hasn't seen Luke in years - probably since college. Despite that, his gaze is focused on Rey only. She looks - so happy. Her face is her face is radiant, glowing, and her smile is so bright it puts all the other lights to shame. He still can't believe she's there for him - that she's standing there just because she had wanted to make things easier for him.

"Hey," he hears a voice say, and he turns around just to see his father walk into the kitchen, maybe in the hope of hiding for a while just as Ben has done. "Want some?"

He lowers his gaze and notices his father is holding a bottle of bear and he's offering it to him. Ben shakes his head. "No, thank you," he murmurs. He doesn't need alcohol to make himself even more ridiculous, that's just what these people are waiting for. Then, as he watches his father bring the bottle to his lips, he frowns. "Where did you find it? I thought old Senators only drank expensive champagne".

Han laughs. "Your mother knows me too well," he says, as an answer, and Ben knows he's right. "I hate these parties. I've always hated them. I can't understand how Leia manages to get through it without killing anybody".

Ben presses his lips together. "Habit, I guess," he replies, shrugging. His mother has disappeared into the crowd at the beginning of the party, her hand into Amilyn's, looking ready to kill someone but faking a smile so well it could almost pass, if Ben hadn't known better. "God, I can't wait for it to be over".

His father is leaning against the counter, the usual half smirk on his face, and maybe his mother is right, when she says they are too alike. Here they are, hiding in the kitchen and trying their best to avoid the party, like the two awkward excuse of human beings they are. "Cheers to that," his father says, rising the bottle of beer. Ben snorts. "I'll be happy when this damn wedding is over. Don't take it bad, I'm glad your mother has found someone. It's just-"

"A pain in the ass".

His father grins. "Exactly".

They stay in silence for a while, Han propped against the counter and Ben with his back turned on the door, as a sense of strangeness settles in his bones. He isn't used to this - to his father to be so present. It's only a few days, he tells himself, but it's definitely more than he has gotten used to in the last fifteen years of his life and he's still trying to come to terms with it.

Finally, he decides to speak. "Isn't it going to be a little bit awkward? The whole wedding thing?" he asks his father, pressing his lips together. The question hangs above them for a minute, and his father seems surprised, but Ben doesn't regret it, for the first time in his life. He knows there's a lot they have to talk about, and he has at least to try.

Han breathes in, deeply, before turning into his direction and flashing him his usual smirk. "Yeah, but as a wise man once put it," he starts, shrugging. "Have you ever met someone who told your mother no and lived to see the day?"

A laughter comes to his lips. Typical of Han, to reply with something witty and sarcastic and deflect the argument altogether. Ben can see it now - the way he's just like his father. How many times he has tried to make a joke or awkwardly change the subject when Rey has asked him about his past or his feelings or anything he doesn't really know how to talk about? His father and him are more alike than he had though as a teen.

"I know we don't ... talk about feelings," he tries to say, looking at his hands. "It's just ... weird, dad. You know".

Han sighs, taking another sip of his beer. Ben dares to cast a glance into his direction, and he can see the moment his father finally caves in, sighing deeply. "It is awkward. But she's Leia," he replies, as if it was the only answer in the world that actually made sense. "I can't erase that, no matter what happened".

It's the same thing his mother told him, and Ben can't quite understand it. He has spent his whole life trying to erase the past, trying to forget about it, trying to kill it and hoping it would stay dead, but he has never succeeded. He thinks about his mother's words _\- the only way you can move on from the past is by accepting it_ \- and he knows she's right, but it also feels so impossibly hard.

His father seems to read into his silence, because he gives him a small smile. It's almost tender. "At first, it was all so simple, you know? Even when we fought, it was easy and sweet. I don't know how things turned out so angry and bitter," he says, drumming with his fingers along the glass bottle. "I am sorry you had to grow up like that. I should have left sooner. I should have protected you both".

There's a moment of silence, as the novelty of the situation settles in. They have never talked about it, never even mentioned it. They have spent the past fifteen years pretending this had never happened, but of course it had, and now here they are, staring warily at each other, as if terrified of being hurt.

Ben brings a hand through his hair, letting a deep breath slip past his lips. "Why didn't you ever come back?" he asks, in the end, the question that has haunted him since he was fifteen. His voice is small, almost trembling, and he hates himself for it. He feels like a kid - the same kid he was, fifteen years ago. _You should be over it_ , he tells himself, but the thing is - he's not.

His father frowns, confused. "Your mother and I fought all the time, why would I-"

He shakes his head. "No, I get that, I understand," he says, breathing in and out, and trying to find a balance in it. He feels his father's eyes on him, and he wonders if he can truly deal with it, after all. "Why didn't you ever come back for _me_?"

He knows a killing blow from having been to many times on the receiving end. His father's eyes widen, and he opens his mouth, but no sound comes out of it, with the exception of a whimper that almost sounds like " _Ben_ ".

He clenches his fists, gripping the fabric of his jacket between his fingers, pulling at it as if it could somehow give him some sort of support. "You didn't even say goodbye," he whispers, in the end. He hates himself for sounding so young and vulnerable, so much like the kid his father left behind, so many years ago. "So I waited. For four months, every night I sat on the porch and waited for your stupid Falcon to make its way into the driveway. Every fucking night, for four months".

There's a moment of silence, before he speaks again. His father is not looking at him, and his eyes are fixed on the bottle of beer in his hands, but he can see the way his face twists and he grimaces as he talks, and Ben can't stop, can't remember how to stop. All the words he has bitten down in all these years, all the sorrow and the hurt and the tiniest spark of hope that has left him burned and battered - it all comes out now, a rush of words to his lips. 

"Then, one day I found the divorce papers in the mail and I understood you were never coming back. Why didn't you? Why didn't you even say goodbye?"

Han sighs. The way his shoulders crumble under the weight of all of it almost has Ben wavering because no matter how fucked up the situation was, his father always looked invincible, so incredibly strong and powerful. He was a pilot and Ben wanted to be just like him, instead he finds out right now, thirty years later, that his father is human after all. "I was afraid," he admits, in the end, raising his eyes to look at him. There's a small grimace on his face. "I was afraid of facing everything. The failed marriage, Leia, you hating me. I just ran. That's the only thing I can do".

A tired laughter escapes his lips. "The thing is, dad, I never hated you," he says. They're standing so close, Ben could stretch out his arm and touch him, and yet it feels like between them there's the abyss the years have opened, day after day. "I couldn't. I hated the fact that I waited for you. I hated the fact that you didn't even deemed me worthy of a goodbye. But I just- missed you," his voice breaks on the last words, because has he ever said that out loud, so simply? Has he ever admitted he wanted his father back? He couldn't - not in front of his mother, who seemed better off without him anyway, and not in front of his father, years later, when they were trying to rebuild something long broken.

But he has missed him. He has spent his whole life missing him, waiting for him to come back, even when it was clear he wouldn't. "And I hated that, because I thought you just didn't care for me enough to let me know you were never coming back," he has to swallow, before speaking again, and he notices the tears only when they start running down his cheeks. "I thought you didn't love me".

His father is quicker than he expected him to be. He hears a soft thud as he places the bottle on the counter, and then he's at his side, and he's grasping his arm in his hand. His grip is strong as ever, but his eyes are soft and pleading when Ben meets them. "Ben," he whispers, shaken. "You are my son. How could I not love you?"

Ben doesn't know how to answer, so he just breathes in, shaking his head. Tears fill his vision, and he can't see that well, but he notices how his father's face crumbles again as he lets out a shuddering breath. Maybe he's crying too - Ben doesn't know.

"Can we just- try again?" he asks, in the end, voice broken as he quickly wipes away the tears from his face. He casts a glance at his father, and there's a small, fond smile on his lips. "I'm not asking you to do father-son things or to see each other every day. Just to try again".

He doesn't really know what try again means even for him. But he wants to rebuild what they both have destroyed in these years, his father by running away and Ben by never asking him to come back. It will not be easy, but, in the end, nothing is.

Han smiles and he clasps his shoulders. "Of course, Ben," he says, so sure, so happy. His smile is sincere, honest - affectionate in a way he was a long time ago, before things turned bitter and sour. "You're still my best pilot, you know that".

At this, Ben lets his head fall on his father's shoulder. They're more or less the same height, even if Ben is a little bit taller, but it feels like he's a child again, his father embracing him after a nightmare, telling him how strong he was for fighting it. Now his arms around him feels like home, like finally coming back after having spent so many years avoiding it. Ben breathes is, closing his eyes, and then lets him go.

"I'm sorry," he says, in the end, pressing his lips together. "I shouldn't have blurted out all of this".

"No," his father replies. "We should have done this sooner".

*

Rey finds him sitting on the porch, hugging his knees and resting his head on his legs, his semi-formal suit crumpled up by now, and his hair a mess from having run his fingers through it so many times he has lost count.

"Here you are," she says, softly, as he turns to look at her. She has a small smile on her lips. Her red lipstick, back in place, is almost too distracting, and he doesn't notice her as she moves to sit beside him until she bumps their shoulders together with ease. The gesture makes him smile, despite it all. "I've been looking for you everywhere. Were you trying to run away without me, Benjamin Organa-Solo?"

He finds himself laughing, as he lets go of his knees, stretching his long legs over the stairs of the porch, and turns around just barely, so he can look at her. A smile hovers over his lips, and it doesn't surprise him at all - it's like she can coax a new side of him, youthful and carefree, almost cheerful, if it was a thing he could be. Anyway, he doesn't mind it - he likes being the person he is around Rey. "I wouldn't dare, you'd kill me first," he tells her, smirking. Rey laughs under her breath, but doesn't deny it, because they both know it's true. After a few seconds, he sighs and shakes his head. "No, I just needed to get out of there for a while".

She looks at him, her eyebrows arching up. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You looked like you were enjoying yourself," he says, staring at his hands. "I didn't want to ruin your night".

"Ruin my-" Out of nowhere, she punches his arm. It's a light punch, so it doesn't really hurt him, but he jumps all the same, and turns to face her with wide eyes and parted lips. "You _idiot_ ," she tells him, with a frown, but she's not really mad, because there's the hint of a teasing smile at the corner of her lips. "I am here for you, Ben. Not for your uncle, no matter how funny or interesting he is. I just-" she shakes her head, and her hair falls around her face in sweet waves as she brings a hand through it, trying to fix it. "I don't want you to feel like you _have to_ tell me things. I just want you to know that you can count on me. You have me, Ben".

He shudders, as she glances his way. There are lot of things he wants to say right now, not all of them wise or thought through, but when he tries to open his mouth all that comes out is a broken sob. He doesn't even realize he's trembling and crying until Rey's hand comes to rest on his shoulder, and she slides closer.

"Ben, oh my God. I didn't want to upset you, I'm so sorry," she keeps on murmuring, her voice soft and gentle in his ear as she strokes his back in rhythmic movements, trying to soothe him. "Fuck, I am so sorry, I shouldn't have said that".

He shakes his head. "No, it's not your fault," he manages to say, somehow. He wipes the tears away from his face with the back of his hand, still not looking at her. "I'm sorry. It's not your fault, you are very sweet".

Her other hand comes under his chin, urging him to turn into her direction. Her eyes are so full of adoration and he doesn't know what is real and what is not anymore. Does she always look at him like this? Does she knows what it does to him? She wipes the remaining tears with her thumb, and smiles at him, caringly.

"I'm here, darling. I am here. I've got you," she tells him, over and over again, as her fingers stroke his face and erase any trace of tears in their wake, as if she was trying to mend all the broken pieces inside of him, and build him anew, with incommensurable patience. "What happened? Did one of those old asses tell you something? I'm going to punch them. I'm going to barge in there and punch them all".

He lets out a shaky laughter. "No, it's nothing like that," he replies, as she caresses his face. Her gaze is firm, her attention focused on him and only him, her face marked by worry, but hopeful at the same time. "I talked with my father".

At that, her eyes widen a little, but she doesn't let him go. Her fingers find their way into his hair, and she inches even closer, their sides almost pressed together. "Oh," she says, her lips parted. Her fingers don't stop stroking his hair, and he closes his eyes for a moment, letting her touch rewrite him for this small eternity. "Do you want me to punch him too? Because I will, I don't care how much I loved him as a child".

Ben didn't think he could fall in love with her any more, but apparently, he was wrong. He lets out a shaky, trembling breath that stands for a laughter, and then shakes his head again, fighting the urge to kiss her, to bury his head in her shoulder and let her hold him. The idea of Rey willing to punch her childhood hero for him makes his heart flutter in his chest.

It doesn't help that she's still stroking his hair like that. "No, that won't be necessary," he tells her, in the end, opening his eyes again. She comes into focus in details - first the curve of her lips, the soft waves of her hair, the freckles on the bridge of her nose, and then her eyes, hazel and green, staring at him with concern and adoration mixed together. Ben lets out another breath, as she gently smiles at him, encouraging him. "It was surprisingly okay. I'm just a little bit shaken, I think".

Her fingers move from his shoulder to his jaw, cupping his face in both of her hands. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asks, gently. Her thumb strokes his jaw, drawing small circular patterns along his skin.

He presses his lips together, as usual. "Not really," he replies, apologetic. It's not like he doesn't want to talk with her - it's just, he doesn't know what to tell her. He feels almost detached from everything, as if trapped in a remote place in his mind where he's trying to make sense of everything that's happened, and he doesn't know how to explain all of it to Rey. She'd understand, he knows it. But he doesn't know if he can understand it in the first place. "Sorry. I just- don't feel like it, right now".

Her smile grows wider, and she pulls him down just to rest his forehead against hers. So close, he can count all the freckles on her face, and the shades of brown and green in her eyes. "Don't apologize, sweetheart," she murmurs, oh so gently, as her fingers linger on his skin, setting on fire every nerve in his body but also making him melt against her. _Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart_. "Are you okay?"

He's not sure. It feels like he has waited his whole life to say those words to his father, and right now he feels - empty, as if something in him had just died. He tries to smile. "I think so," he murmurs in the end. She's so close, and his heart hammers against his ribcage, dying to present itself at her feet. "Thank you. I don't know how I would have survived all of this without you. Rey-"

"Shh," she brings her fingers on his lips, preventing him from saying something stupid that could backfire on him again. There's a smile on her lips, but her eyes are as serious as ever, and Ben can't help but shiver. "You don't need to thank me, sweetheart. That's not why I'm here".

She moves her fingers away and stares at him with a small, hesitant smile. She looks like a dream, bathed in the moolight and the dim, soft light of the porch, and he knows he shouldn't do this, not when everything is so delicate, but Rey blinks at him and doesn't move away when he slides closer, and so he lowers himself, cupping her face with his hands, and kisses her.

Her lips are still so unbearably soft and warm, and it feels so normal, so natural, so easy to slip one arm around her waist to pull her close, _closer_ , as if he could merge their bodies somehow. The kiss is different from before - it's not for show, she's not kissing him to make people uncomfortable, but it's slow and sweet and tender and it feels like she's trying to slow time as she brings her hands in his hair to coax him even closer. Her lips are soft against his, her body warm and pliant flushed to his chest, her fingers in his hair, her blunt nails barely brushing against his scalp. His thumb comes to brush against her pulse point as he strokes her face, and she lets out a gasp in his mouth, her lashes trembling slightly against his cheeks.

The awareness of it comes later, as she breaks away from him to breathe and stares at him with wide eyes and parted lips. He slowly blinks her in - the lipstick smudged from where his mouth has been, the hair disheveled from where his fingers had gripped it, her lips a little bit swollen from the kiss -, and it hits him all of the sudden.

"Oh my god," he murmurs, staring at her in horror, as the realization of what he has just done dawns on him. His hands are still on her, and he's quick to pull away, fighting the urge to pull at his hair or punch himself in the face. "Oh my god, Rey, I am so sorry, I shouldn't have - Oh my god," he keeps repeating, as if to make sense of what has just happened.

He has kissed her. He has properly and definitely kissed her - and it's so clear it wasn't just to pretend, and he doesn't know how to explain it to Rey without making it obvious and he feels like choking, like all the air had suddenly been sucked out of his lungs and-

"Ben," Rey's fingers wrap around his wrists, and she strokes his skin, the tender place where his veins are, as if to soothe him. He doesn't even dare to glance her way, because he's sure she can read the truth right from his face, and he doesn't know if he can manage that. Not right now. "Ben, it's okay. You don't have to apologize. It's just a kiss".

Her voice is soft, gentle. Even hesitant, as if she was scared of hurting him, somehow. He shakes his head, risking a look in her direction even if everything in him tells him not to. But she's there and she's staring at him - her eyes worried, her lips pressed together, and he deludes himself there's some sort of hope on her features. The grip of her hands is firm, but kind, and her fingertips trace patterns along his veins.

He shakes his head again, as if to erase the last few minutes from his memory. "No, I mean. I am sorry," he murmurs again, as if it could save him somehow. "I shouldn't take advantage of you. This- this isn't real and I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have kissed you".

The silence after his words is deafening, and he knows he has said the wrong thing by the way her hands go slack in his, as if he had suddenly hit her. It doesn't surprise him - he always says the wrong thing, fucks up and finds something else to apologize for, a cycle he can't seem to break, despite how much he tries. It's nothing new, but Rey takes a sharp breath and her lips tremble as she stares at him, and the idea of hurting Rey makes his world shake to the core, because she's the only person he never _ever_ wanted to hurt.  

"Oh," she says, quietly, as if trying to make sense of his words. Then, she smiles, but it breaks his heart because the smile on her lips right now has nothing to do with the one he's so used to - the soft, lovingly smile she has gifted him these days. The one on her face right now looks like someone has forced her to smile by invisibly moving the corner of her lips. "Right. Don't worry about it, Ben. I know this isn't real. I always knew. You don't have to apologize. It's- it's okay".

It's not okay - her voice trembles, and her eyes look watery, as if she was trying really hard not to cry in front of him, and Ben doesn't know what's happening (doesn't want to admit to himself, maybe, doesn't want to know for sure), but he can't bear the sight, and he brings a hand on her shoulder, as if to reassure her, to soothe her, to do something right for once.

Rey moves away before he can even touch her.

It's like a knife straight to his heart. "Rey," he whispers, as if her name was the only thing that made sense in the galaxy. She lets go of his wrist, scrambling away from him as if touching him made her skin crawl. It's so sudden, he's left staring at his hands, still feeling the residual warm of her fingers on his wrist, even if she's far away right now. A phantom touch on his skin. "Rey, please, let me explain, I am so sorry-"

"For what?" she asks. She stands up, so suddenly he's almost taken aback, and she looks at him, her eyes burning him on the spot, as he still sits on the porch, almost crumbling on himself. "For making me think it was real for a moment? Don't worry about it, it's okay".

He doesn't notice he's raising to his feet until he's right there in front of Rey, stretching his hand out, reaching for her. It feels familiar - like his whole life has been a series of moments like this, him reaching out and people turning away from him. Even Rey moves away, her eyes almost violent. "Rey, wait," he murmurs, trying to process her words, trying to _understand_ them. "Why are you acting like this? You were the one who always told me it wasn't real".

His words are quiet, barely a whisper in the Chandrilan night, but Rey's are vicious and aggressive and they feel like a twist to the knife she has driven into his heart. "And you were the one who always reassured me it was!" she snaps, trembling, the first tears starting to run down her cheeks. She seems to realize it - she seems to realize how vulnerable she's making herself in front of him, she seems to realize she's telling the truth for the first time, because she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, and when she speaks again, her voice trembles, but it's quieter, so faint he almost can't hear her. "I'm sorry, I can't do this. I'm sorry".

He doesn't understand what she means until she shoulders past him and reaches for the door. Her hand is on the handle, when he finally manages to speak again. "Rey, please," he says. The words he has spent this whole trip home suppressing are almost on his tongue, but he doesn't know how to say them. Instead, he reaches for her again, his hand trembling in the space between them. "Wait. Please. Let me explain".

She shakes her head. Her shoulders are shivering, and when she turns into his direction, there's a sad, pensive smile on her face. "It's okay, Ben," she replies, quietly. Her voice is quieter, less angry, less vicious - more resigned, as if all her fury and rage, the flame keeping her alive and going, had been put out. "I should have known".

With that, she leaves him alone on the porch, and Ben is left staring at the door, with the old, familiar, bitter knowledge he has fucked up.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> p l e a s e d o n ' t k i l l m e
> 
> i've debated with myself long enough about the last scene - i didn't want to add "unnecessary" drama, but it's supposed to be a turning point for both Rey and Ben and from now on they'll realize that their issues have prevented them from seeing it clearly. i promise, it's going to be okay, and they're going to have a happy ending, they just needed a moment!
> 
> as always, i am on [twitter](https://twitter.com/akosmia) and [tumblr](http://kylorensx.tumblr.com/), if you want to yell at me (i'd understand)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, remember when last chapter I told you I would not write something so long again? WELL I LIED!  
> I'm sorry, it's still so fucking long, but I didn't feel like splitting in two or changing something because it all felt very necessary. This is it, this is the chapter we all have been waiting for ♥
> 
> as always, thank you for every kind word you have gifted me these days, and for encouraging me everytime. it really means the world to me, thank you so much ♥

The rest of the evening is a blur.

He knows he stands there on the porch for what it feels like hours, like whole days spent with the awareness of everything that has happened, something breaking him apart from the inside. He sits on the stairs again, hugging his knees, clutching them as if the mere act of it could give him strength, and it feels like a repetition of the past. His legs itch to run after Rey, to explain himself, to tell her he's been an insecure idiot who's left his issues stand in the way - but he doesn't, because he can't erase the thought of Rey's face crumbling down at his words, and the idea of hurting her even more takes his breath away. _Tell her the truth_ , his mind whispers in his ear, but it feels so terrifying, so terribly big. For the first time, he understands her when she talked about how overwhelming being loved is.

He rests his head against his knees and breathes deeply.

That's how his mother finds him, after what it feels like a lifetime. The front door opens with a soft noise, and he can hear her footsteps even in his dazed state. He could recognize the sound of her breath in a room full of people, the way she sighs, so softly, under her breath as if not to let him hear her.

"I fucked up," he announces, when she comes to stand beside him. Her hand finds its way to his hair, and she pushes a few strands back, in a soothing manner. "As usual. I'm sorry I'm such a fuck-up, mom, I really am".

Leia exhales, loudly, and she crouches next to him. She's so small that, even as he sits, he's taller than her, but he feels like a kid when he meets his mother's gaze - the kid he had been so long ago, sitting on the same porch, waiting for his father, ignoring his mother's pleas to come back inside - and he wants to bury his face into the crook of her neck and let her reassure him as she used to do when he was barely old enough to speak. "You're not a fuck-up, sweetheart," she tells him, her fingers tucking the hair beneath his ear. "Come on, let's get you inside, okay? I'm sure we can fix everything".

He wants to tell her that even her sheer determination and willpower can't fix everything, not always, but he stays in silence because he doesn't know how to explain to her everything that has happened when he can't even wrap his mind around it. The memory of Rey's eyes, burning and full of sorrow, follows him everytime he tries to process the last hour, and it feels too much like choking.

His mother helps him up, her wiry arms stronger than he remembered from his childhood, and he stumbles inside as if into a daydream. He can feel everybody's gaze on him, the way some lips turn upwards, the way someone shakes his head and mumbles something in his drink. Ben feels nauseous, and something deep within him - something he hadn't felt in years, something that awakens now, under their gaze - wants to rip this whole room apart with his fists.

Instead, he tries to smile at his mother. Her eyes are fixed on him, and she's trying to soothe him by running her hand up and down his back, as if he had just woken up from a nightmare. He tries to lift up the corners of his lips, but he doesn't know if he manages. "I just need to lie down for a while".

He has no memory of how he got into his room, but he finds himself with the hand on the handle, and the door creaks when he steps inside, making his presence known. It's dark, the room lit only by the faint light of the moon, but he can make out Rey's shadow on the bed all the same, and it hits him all of the sudden, as if she had struck him somehow. _You were the one who always reassured me it was real,_ her voice whispers in his mind, and he can't believe it, can't understand how he got it so wrong, how he has managed to be so into his head to miss the signs.

Rey feels something for him. It's real, and it's happening, and he feels dizzy, both from this realization and the fight. His footsteps echo like shots in the solemn silence of the room, and he doesn't know how he manages to reach the bed without stumbling on his own feet, but when he does, Rey is still there, her back turned to him. It's clear that she isn't sleeping - the line of her body is too tense for that, her breath too sharp, as if she was trying her best to stifle her sobs -, and when she hears him approaching she visibly flinches.

"Rey ..." he tries to say, his voice barely a whisper in this sacred, terrifying silent enveloping them. "Rey, I am sorry, I didn't understan-"

Her words are cold, immediate - the reaction of someone who has been stung. "I don't want to talk about it".

"But please-"

She turns just barely into his direction, and even in the dark he can see the trace of tears on her cheeks. But she's Rey, and when she stares at him, she's not some broken bird fallen off its nest, but she's the same fierce, determined girl he has met so many months ago. He knows now what it costs her to keep it all together, but she does it so effortlessly it almost amazes him. "I said I don't want to talk about it".

It feels definitive.

With a sigh, he sits on the floor, resting his head against the bed. Rey doesn't ask him to get over it and climb on the bed with her, and he doesn't dare to. Instead, he focus on the sound of her breath, from the moment it starts to get softer until it evens out, and she's finally asleep. Only then, he finally manages to start crying, and that's how he falls asleep, curled up on himself, with tears in his eyes.

*

He's woken up by a knock on the door.

He jolts awake, sitting up in less than a heartbeat, and wincing as he straightens his back. It takes him a moment to remember why he's on the floor in the first place, and, as the memories rush back to his mind, heart hammering in his chest, his eyes fall on the bed, as if expecting to see Rey here. But the bed is already made, and Rey is nowhere to be seen. Still, he can't help the little twist his heart does in his ribcage when he hears a second knock.

"Come in," he says, voice raw and low from having spent so much time crying himself into unconsciousness, but even a sore throat can't hide the trace of hopefulness in his voice, as if he expected Rey to open the door and walk right into his room, eyes full of adoration and lips curved in a smile.

She doesn't, of course.

When the door opens, it's Amilyn who appears, her lilac hair a spot of color against the immaculate white of the walls. "Hey," she says, gently, her eyes scanning the room. He's still lying on the floor in his formal suit, and his eyes must be red from the tears. She looks at him with curiosity in her gaze, but she's kind enough not to comment on his state. "Can we talk?"

He sighs, throwing his head back and taking a deep breath, as he tries to fight that sliver of disappointment poking at his heart, as sharp as the edge of a knife driven in the soft place between his ribs. Of course it couldn't be Rey, he tells himself, but it's hard to make his heart see reason right now, when all he can think about is the fact that she has admitted she does feel something for him. He stares at Amilyn - her kind smile, her eyes so piercing and so caring at the same time - and he sighs, not sure he's actually ready for this conversation, but knowing he can't put it off for the rest of his life.

"Sure," he murmurs, in the end.

Amilyn steps in, as graciously as ever, and she closes the door behind her with a soft thud, her movements silent and graceful as if a loud noise could somehow scare him off. She sits on the bed in silence, her hands in her lap and her eyes fixed on him, and Ben doesn't know what to say or how to even begin to explain all of it. It feels all so surreal - all he wants to do is rush after Rey and tell her the truth, and he feels restless, his legs itching and kicking, as if they could somehow force him to run after her, even if he doesn't know where she is.

He sighs, knowing Amilyn is waiting for him to talk. Always gentle, always delicate with her questions, never demanding - but her eyes are so intent on studying him, and he knows she already knows what he's about to say. "Where's Rey?" he asks. He doesn't bother hiding the desperation in his words, because he knows Amilyn can read him far too easily anyway.

It's obvious she was expecting the question, because her smile turns softer, somehow. "She's with your mother. She's helping her with the last errands before the wedding, this afternoon," she replies, quietly, and without even realizing it, he breathes out in relief. He hadn't realize how terrified he was of having lost Rey until now, but at Amilyn's words his body almost sags and he feels limp and dizzy at the same time.

He can still fix this, he thinks. He can still tell Rey everything he has ever wanted to tell her. He can still tell her he loves her, more than anything else he's ever loved, and it has always been real for him.

Amilyn notices it - this excruciating hopefulness that takes hold of his tired body - because she leans in and brushes a stand of hair out of his forehead, just as she used to do back in the first months after his father had left, with fondness and compassion in the back of her eyes, and then she rests her hand on his shoulder. Her grip is light, barely there, but he can feel the strength beneath the gentleness. "Ben," she whispers, softly, her voice barely audible, as if she didn't want to startle him. "What happened?"

Ben sighs again, taking his face between his hands. He misses the feeling of Rey's small hands on his skin, of the way her fingers played with his hair, turning him boneless, of the way her thumb lingered on his jaw, drawing small patterns. He misses the way she instinctively knew how to soothe him and calm him, as if she had learned him in a previous existence. It feels almost wrong, to feel his own skin brush against his face. 

"I'm sorry about the party," he murmurs, in the end. His voice is faint, even fainter than Amilyn, and muffled by his own hands, but he knows she has heard him, because her fingers dig into his jacket. "I didn't mean to ruin it. I just-" he doesn't know how to explain it, how to explain everything without sounding so stupid and ridiculous. He deserves it, anyway, but he tries not to think about it. "I'm just sorry I messed it up".

It feels easier to apologize for this. The other words - the one that have burned his tongue on the porch - are still somehow stuck in his throat, and he can't manage to let them slip past his lips.

The grip on his shoulder tightens. It's still gentle, but firmer, and Ben's breath trembles on his lips. Amilyn is not one for grand gestures - she's quiet and soft in her affection, but she never falters, and the way her fingers dig into his shoulders, a barely-there presence that speaks of devotion and love, shakes him to the core. It's not new, of course - he knows Amilyn loves him, after all, even if he doesn't know what he's done to deserve this. She has spent so much time with him, and she has sat through endless nights on the porch with him, as his gaze was lost in the darkness searching for something that wasn't there. She had never said anything, never tried to convince him to go inside and get over it - she had just sat there with him, a hand on his shoulder, her hair brushing against his arm as she rested her head against him. Ben - always angry, always ready to start a fight, always on the verge of a shouting match - had let her do it.

It had always been her thing. Yes, he knows Amilyn loves him - but it still comes as a surprise, when her fingers move from his shoulder only to come to peel his hands off his face. Her gaze is so gentle it cuts through the armor he has made of his heart and maybe it was not a good armor from the start, but her caring smile makes it crumble to the ground without him even putting up a fight.

"Ben," she says again, the word so easy on her tongue. She has said his name over and over again over the years, and Ben can tell apart the meaning in it by the slightest intonation of her voice. This time, it's both exasperated and fond. "Do you really think we cared more about that stupid party than we care about you?"

He doesn't need to answer, of course, so he presses his lips together and shrugs, under Amilyn's gaze. "It was easier to apologize for that," he explains, in the end. He can't lie to her, not when she stares at him like that - like _family_. It's with a pang that he realizes he has managed to do this - to reconnect with his family, after years of running away - only because Rey was there, holding his hand and reassuring him, flashing him her encouraging smile and calming his thoughts. "Amilyn, I think I fucked up," he murmurs, in the end.

At this, Amilyn's lips quirk up, the smallest hint of a smile on her face. It's not mocking or cruel, it's just sweet and fond, and Ben sighs. When she finally sits down next to him, crossing her legs and resting her hands on her knees, he smiles too at the too familiar sight. "Alright," she says, gently. "Tell me everything".

He doesn't know where to even begin, how to explain her everything that has passed between him and Rey - it all feels so tangled up, a riddle he doesn't know the answer to, a Rubik cube he doesn't know how to solve. He sighs, knowing far too well that, in the end, is very simple - he loves her, and he has let his own fears rule him, because he's awfully inexperienced when it comes to love, and he has hurt her in the process. In the end, knowing he won't find the right answer, he says the first thing that comes to his mind. "Me and Rey ... we had a fight," he tells Amilyn, pretty stupidly since she had probably guessed by now.

Mercifully, she doesn't comment on that, even if her eyebrows rise up for a moment, as if to tell him she already knew that. Then, she leans in and rests her hand on his shoulder again, rubbing it with slow movements. "Every couple fights, once in a while," she says, the corners of her lips lifting up just barely. "Do you think your mother and I haven't fought in the past ten years? It happens, more often than you think. I'm sure you can fix this, Ben. Whatever happened, I've seen the way Rey looks at you, and trust me, she loves you".

The worst part is realizing Amilyn is right - because Rey does feel something for him, despite it all. She has told him as much last night, fighting back the tears and the bitterness of her words, fighting back the urge to hide it like she has always hidden everything else. He has always thought his love was spilling from his eyes and his lips, but Rey was exactly like him - just as desperate and in love with him as he is, but maybe better at hiding it. He takes a deep breath, and a resigned smile makes its way onto his face. "That's the point".

Amilyn frowns, furrowing her brow. "What do you mean?" she asks, her hand resting on his back, fingers splayed gently over the fabric of his jacket. The suit must be wrinkled and ruined by now, but she doesn't mention it, and he's so tired he doesn't even care. 

Another deep breath. His head feels dizzy, and his chest is suddenly heavy, his heart thundering against his bones like a scared little bird. His next words are barely above a whisper. "It was fake," he says. The moment the words escape his lips, it feels like the weight that was holding him down just a second ago has been suddenly lifted off, and he can breathe again, incredibly grateful for the air in his lungs. Once he has said it, it feels easier to say it again, and so he keeps on rambling. "The whole relationship thing- it's always been fake. Rey is just a friend who offered her help, it was never real".

Amilyn doesn't say anything. Weren't for her gentle intake of breath every few seconds, he'd almost believe to be alone right now. But she's there, and her hand doesn't leave its place on his back, her fingers digging into his muscles. She stays in silence, as if to process the whole thing, and Ben feels a rush of blood to his cheeks, his skin burning when he brings a hand to his face as if to assess the damage.

"Go on," he says, in the end, not able to stand this silence any longer. He doesn't meet her eyes, afraid of what he'll read in them, even if he knows Amilyn is the last person on Earth who'd ever judge him for anything. "Just tell me how stupid I am".

Amilyn lets out a little laughter - it's sweet, calming, almost tender, and Ben knows she isn't mocking him. She wouldn't, anyway. "You know I won't," she replies, easily, and he can't even protest at that, because yes, he knows. He knows Amilyn - he has known her since he was a kid and his parents were still together, he has known her since she had started to linger in this house more and more often, helping his mother and standing beside him as he wavered through his adolescence. So he just sighs, and shrugs, and he can hear Amilyn's smile in the way she breathes out. "Why?"

He knows what she's asking, but he doesn't know if he has an answer for that. "I don't know," he says, in the end, because it's true. Because he doesn't know what possessed him to say _yes_ to Rey's absurd proposal - maybe the idea of not being alone while facing his family, or maybe the fact that he _craved_ this, despite how much he tried to deny it. He wanted a chance to be with Rey, even if it was fake. But it had never been fake, hadn't it? "I guess the idea of coming back scared me so much, and she was there, holding my hand and-"

He shakes his head, running a hand through his hair as he breathes in and out and tries to calm down. "The thing is, I was halfway in love with her already before the whole thing started, and now it has only gotten worse".

It's the first time he says it - that he's in love with her. He has spent this whole week fighting against this thought, and had surrendered long before he could even realize it, but still - the words feel raw on his lips, as if he had just learned them. He has never loved someone like this - sure, he loves his family, but it's not the same thing, and he feels like a kid, stumbling upon a world previously unknown to his eyes.

Amilyn lets out another small laughter, and she brings her hand into his hair, threading carefully through his strands. "Sweetheart, you can't will into existence feelings that aren't there," she says, simply. Her fingers are slow and gentle as they cards through his hair, and Ben lets out a small whimper, thinking about Rey, the way she has always stroked his hair to calm him down. It's been barely a day and he already misses her, and it feels like the ache from an old wound, dull but constant. "She loves you. I've seen it".

He smiles, bitterly. "I _know_ ," he explains, bringing his hands on his face again, as if he could hide from everything like this. "She has spent this whole week reminding me this relationship wasn't real, but ... I realize now it was only her way of protecting herself. She always does it, but I was so caught up in my own insecurities that I didn't notice it".

_As usual_ , he wants to add. Just a few days ago, Rey was crying in his arms because she had never felt so loved in her life and she couldn't pretend anymore and he hadn't noticed until she was sobbing, her body shivering against his chest as she told him how big it was, to be loved for the first time in her life. He had promised her she would always have him, but he didn't even try to reach her - he had just hurt her, telling her it wasn't real because he was so scared of getting his heart broken.

How stupid of him. How did he manage to spend so much time with her in these past few days and never realize she was so scared of letting herself go, of loving someone only to be left behind again? And he had ruined it all because he had let old fears have the best of him.

"It's okay, sweetheart," Amilyn tells him, gently. He raises his eyes to stare at her, wondering how can she even say something like that now, when it feels like something has ripped his heart apart. "You were both scared. It's normal".

He wants to laugh. "Normal?"

She sighs, a quiet little sound that reminds him of nights spent on the porch as the winter winds made them shiver. "Yes, normal. When your mother and I realized there was something there, she was terrified," she tells him, fingers still threading through his black strands. "The marriage with Han had left her more scarred than she wanted to admit. Of course, it was nobody's fault, sometimes it just happens and there's no one to blame for it. But things like that, they leave a mark," he nods, knowing all too well what she means. "It took a lot of time for her to open up about it. About being afraid of falling into the same pattern again. Of hurting me, or herself in the process. Of hurting you, again".

Ben can't imagine how it must have been - all he remembers from his teenage years is his rage, the way it would coil up inside him and explode, the way it would urge him to break his bones against the walls, the way it would burn him alive, leaving him tired and restless at the same time. He doesn't know what his mother has gone through, because he wasn't there for her.

He supposes it's kind of normal. He was a kid, an angry kid whose parents had tried, but they hadn't quite managed to reach him. But, at the same time, he wishes he had been there for his mother, because she deserved it. She deserved a son who would not shut her out, slam the door on her, leave her behind.

"Love is a complicated thing, Ben, and it can be so scary," Amilyn continues, her voice soothing and gentle, pulling him away from dark memories and into the present, which is not brighter, but it's at least less dark than the past. "And sometimes it takes someone to hold our hand and make it less terrifying".

The memory of Rey's eyes fixed on him as he assured her she would always have him comes to his mind, and the first real smile since last night starts to make its way on his lips. He has never been one for support - he's always been too instable, too unbalanced for this, an angry kid that somehow had grown up into an awkward adult. But he wants to try for Rey, and maybe that's the point.

When he meets Amilyn's gaze, she's smiling too, so softly and gently his heart almost hurts. "Do you think I can do that?" he asks her, biting down his bottom lip. "Even if I'm afraid?"

She laughs, a silvery sound he knows too well. "Of course you can," she replies, surely.  "When I first realized I was in love with my best friend, I was terrified. It didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was that I loved her and that she loved me. We could face the rest together".

He nods, letting the notion bleed through him, a new kind of warmth that settles in his bones. He wants this, he realizes. Be there for Rey, holding her hand, pressing kisses to her forehead and soothe her just as she has always soothed him. Maybe they're both fucked up, and maybe they have too many issues to even count them, but they can work on it together.

"Talk to her," Amilyn nudges him, bumping their shoulders together. Her touch is still unbearably gentle, and he's so grateful for her quiet presence, for her kindness and her soothing words, her calm when everything else seemed to spin furiously. He hadn't thought about it much at first, when she had started to hang around back in the first days after his father had left, but he realizes now how healing her presence had been.

He nods, unable to express his feelings and thoughts into words. It doesn't matter, in the end. Amilyn will understand him anyway. "I will," he murmurs, smiling. Then, he lowers his gaze to his hands, fidgeting. "I'm sorry for messing up your wedding day".

At this, Amilyn just laughs. "Shut up".

*

To his surprise, his mother has not chosen a grandiose venue, though he must admit it wouldn't have been like her, no matter how extravagant she often appears. Instead, Amilyn and her have opted for a small, modest inn just at the outskirt of the town, immersed in a giant, fairytale-like garden. It's late spring, almost summer, and the garden is alive as he stares at it from the window. Flowers are blooming all around the altar and on the sides of the makeshift pews, white and pink roses put together with the utmost care in garland all around the place, wildflowers peeking through the careful made bouquets. It's delicate and full of life at the same time, and it reminds him of both his mother's fiery personality and Amilyn's gentle smile.

The sun is starting to set, painting the whole scene in shades of orange and pink so delicate it hurts the eye, and Ben is pacing back and forth in the corridor right outside his mother's room, with his heart hammering in his chest. He's fully dressed, the suit - chosen by Leia, of course - fitting perfectly his frame even if he currently feels like he's drowning in it, and he feels like choking, as if the tie around his neck had turned into a noose somehow.

Then, the door of his mother's room opens with a faint creak, and someone emerges in the doorway. Someone dressed in blue, lace finely embroidered on the soft fabric of the bodice, while a long gown flows at every movement. Bare, freckled shoulders and chestnut hair carefully braided. Red lips not curved into a smile, but so entrancing all the same. Hazel eyes full of both warmth and hesitation.

_Rey_.

His heart jumps in his throat at the sight, and he must breathe a few times before he can talk without stuttering on his words or say the dumbest thing possible. His hands itch, and he desperately wants to reach out for her, and hold her in his arms, as he tells her the whole truth. He stays put, only because he knows Rey needs her time, and her space right now.

"You look beautiful," he whispers, reverently, as if in front of something divine. And she does look beautiful - the color suits her skin so well, and the way the bodice clings to her small frame takes his breath away. He can see the bare expense of her back, covered only by a thin layer of lace, and he could count all the freckles on her golden complexion, putting them together as stars in a constellation.

She breathes in, then breathes out. "Don't do this," she grits through her teeth, as if it hurt her to say those words. Before he can say anything and tell her the truth, tell her he loves her so much he can't believe he hadn't realized it before, she sighs and turns his back on him, crossing her arms over her chest as she stares at the garden from the window he was leaning against just a second ago. He can hear the gentle wave of her breath in the silence between them, and he stares at the way her back slowly moves with her, as she breathes in and out. She looks like part of painting, in her beautiful dress, staring at the sunset. "Your mother wants to talk to you".

The words don't even register in his mind - the only thing he can think of is Rey in front of him. He takes the few steps that stand between them with his heart in his throat again, and he swallows as he reaches out for her, his hand brushing lightly against her arm. This time, she doesn't move away, but she lets out a deep breath, as if the mere act of being touched pained her. His fingertips feel electrical where they touch her skin.

"Rey," he says, his voice barely above a whisper. She doesn't flinch, and for a moment she almost leans into him, her eyes fluttering shut, her lashes brushing against her cheeks as if she wanted to savor this moment and commit it to her memory. It almost breaks his heart - it's so clear that she's trying her best to be strong, to bury everything deep inside herself, and he wonders how he's managed to miss this, all this time. "Please, just listen to me-"

And, just as suddenly as she had leant into him, she steels herself and pulls away. "Your mother is looking for you," she repeats, more coldly this time.

_Right_. He wants to stay there, to whisper the truth to her skin, to curve his fingers around her wrist and bring her hand to his lips, kissing every knuckle, every scar on her hand - but there's the wedding, and he can't mess up this day even more than he's already done. He pulls away too, and with a last, lingering look in her direction, he opens the door and steps into his mother's room, trying his best to blink away the tears as he closes the door behind himself.

His mother is sitting down on the bed, her watchful eyes already fixed on him as he makes his way towards her. The room is so small, all it takes him to stand in front of her are a few steps. She's already dressed, the white of her dress almost blinding in the tiny room, and her long hair has been carefully braided, deep brown strands mixed with the grey ones on top of her head. She looks beautiful and radiant, and he can't help but smile at the sight, because she's happy, and after all she's been through, she deserves this.  He had been scared of this wedding, worried she'd end up getting hurt again, but it's clear now that nothing could make her happier than this, and the idea makes his heart twist in his ribcage.

Her lips curve upwards as he silently comes to press a kiss to her forehead. There's a lot he wants to tell her, but he has never been one for words, so he knows it's pointless to try now. His mother, of course, understands it all, and she exhales, gently, as his hand comes to rest on her shoulder, as if to express all the things he doesn't know how to put a name to. Despite it all - despite the scene from a few minutes ago, despite the heaviness in his bones and the tears in his eyes - Ben feels warm and incredibly calm, as if the mere act of being in his mother's presence had quieted down all his thoughts, like a child after a nightmare.

"Why did you want to see me?" he asks her, in the end, as he pulls away. He sits next to her, and flashes her a small, teasing smirk. "Are you having cold feet? Do you want me to distract the crowd as you run away?"

She only gives him the Look, fondness and exasperation mixing together too easily on her face. She has had to deal with him for far too long, and he wonders how she managed to do that without killing him in the process. "You always had a vivid imagination," she tells him, but there's a smile on her lips too, and she leans in to pat his knee, briefly. "No, Ben, I'm not having cold feet".

He pretends to pout a bit. "Pity," he says, shrugging, barely wrinkling his nose as he talks, while his mother's eyebrows shoot dangerously high. "I had the perfect diversion. I was going to point out at the sky and say I had seen an alien and that it was surely coming to kill us all".

Her laughter feels like a blessing, and he smiles too as he watches her shoulders shake. He has rarely seen his mother this happy and carefree, and it's with a sort of surprise that he realizes that he has missed this. He has missed his family, but most of all he has missed this kind of intimacy, this domesticity, his mother laughing at his stupid jokes, and teasing him, and flashing him her usual smirk, warm eyes and teasing words, the reminder that his past had not been always painful, but sweet too. He feels almost overwhelmed by it, and not for the first time he really understands Rey, when she told him how big it is to love and being loved. _I understand now_ , he wants to tell her, _I get it_.

Leia pats his knee again. "Let's save it for another day, sweetheart," she says, her lips still curved into a smile. Then, she lets out a deep breath, and she turns into his direction with a serious expression, the smile still on her face, but turned almost softer. "Actually, I wanted to ask you something. Will you walk me to the altar?"

It takes him a minute to understand her words. He blinks her in, afraid of having heard her wrong, but she stands there, her eyebrows raised and her lips curved into an encouraging smile, and her eyes are so full of hope Ben deducts he has heard her right. It takes him another minute to process this, his brain somehow having difficulties at the idea of it.

Then, he breathes in. Breathes out. "But ..." he tries to say, furrowing his brow as if deep in thought. "I thought ... I mean, Luke?"

His mother smiles again, gently. "Luke gave me away when I married your father," she explains. She doesn't look pained or hurt, and he wonders how she manages that, because when he thinks about his father or the time before their divorce, he still feels something on his throat, something that almost chokes him, no matter how many years have passed and how much he's talked about it in therapy. "I want it to be you now".

He looks at her - her radiant smile, her bright eyes, but also the way she fidgets with her hands, maybe afraid of having asked too much of him. He smiles, shaking his head. "Wouldn't it be weird?"

She pretends to consider it, lost in thought, but the same smile he knows so well makes its way on her lips again after a few seconds. "Has that ever stopped me?"

He can't help but laugh. "Fair enough," he replies, shaking his head. His mother is still looking at him, expectantly, and he tries to wrap his mind around that. The last twenty four hours have brought nothing but surprises into his life, and he's still struggling with all of this.  

It feels - so much. So overwhelming. He remembers his adolescence, the way he has screamed his way through it, closing the door on her face, shutting her out just because it was the easy way of dealing with the chaos inside. He remembers the way she had smiled just a few days ago, happy to see him for the first time in years, almost moved to tears by his very presence.

He doesn't deserve this. He thinks about all the time he has made his mother worry or cry or just stress over him, just because he was an angry teenager who thought the best way to deal with his rage was to lash out at everything in his wake. He thinks about all the times he has avoided her, all the times he has refused to come back to visit even if he knew she missed him, all the times he has made her sigh over the phone and beg him. But his mother stares at him with kindness in her eyes now, and maybe, just maybe, he can be forgiven.

The thing is - he suspects his mother had already forgiven him a long time ago.

"Yes," he says, and he's surprised to realize that there are tears in his eyes, as he looks up and meets her gaze. She's still smiling, and the smile has gotten softer, tender. The one he used to wake up to, after a nightmare, when she tried to soothe him by hugging him tightly and whispering him everything was going to be okay. His heart clenches again in his chest, and it feels both terrible and beautiful. He thinks about the talk with his father last night, and this moment, and maybe everything is not alright, but maybe, maybe he's on the right track for once. "Yes. I will walk you to the altar".

Her eyes shine and the smile on her face is almost too bright for the small room they're in. He's done this - he has made her happy, for once, and it's still so incredible.

"Mom, are you happy?" he asks, before she can say anything else. He brings a hand to his neck, rubbing it as he tries to find the right words, knowing he has a lot to apologize for and never really knowing how to. "With Amilyn? Are you happy? I know I've not been the most supporting person about this wedding. I was just so worried. But it doesn't matter, if you are happy".

Her smile softens, and he can see the hint of tears in her eyes. "Happier than I have been in a long time, sweetheart".

He swallows, trying to fight back the tears. "Then I'm happy too. You- you deserve it".

Her arm comes to lace around his shoulders and she pulls him close. He's so much taller than her, and it's a little bit painful for his back as she makes him rest his head on her shoulder, but it doesn't matter, because it feels right in this moment and he wouldn't miss it for the world. "You deserve it too, Ben," she says, gently. Her fingers play with his hair, brushing the strands out of his forehead as she leans in closer. "Speaking of which, why don't you talk to Rey?"

He sighs, knowing they would have come to this point anyway, and not actually sure he knows how to explain it. The painful exchange of words right outside the room comes back to his mind, and he sighs, shaking his head against her shoulder. "I don't want to ruin your day. It's complicated".

His mother lets out a little laughter. "Complicated how?" she asks him. He can't see her face right now, but he can _feel_ her eyebrows arching up, as she looks down at him. Her fingers thread through his hair, calming him even if the thought of Rey makes him restless. "You know, everybody can see from miles away that you're both desperately pining after each other, so just tell her how you really feel and stop being an idiot about it".

The way she says it makes him raise his head to meet her gaze, and she's there, staring at him with a smirk on her lips and a knowing look in her eyes, and he realizes she _knows_. "You knew?" he asks her, surprised, all parted lips and wide eyes, because _what the fuck?_ How long has been knowing this? What was the point in all of this charade if his mother has always known? He thinks about the last few days, Rey sitting on his lap, her fingers playing with his hair, and how taken he was by her, by the simple act of her running her hands through his hair as if she had done it so many times before. He has tried to act natural, but maybe he hasn't succeeded.

She just stares at him. "Ben," she says, both fondly and vaguely amused, as if his shock was a sight to behold. "Of course I knew. You acted like you were being so subtle about it, but it was written all over your face how painfully in love you are with each other".

He clears his throat, trying to find his voice again. "I thought we were being convincing".

Leia laughs, such a soft, gentle sound. "Ben, you can fool the others, and you can even fool yourself if you try hard enough, but you can't fool _me_ ," she tells him, her eyes fixed on his face, warm and cutting at the same time and in this moment he realizes how stupid he has been, trying to make his mother believe something he couldn't even believe in himself. His mother knows him better than the back of her hand, how did he think he could pull off something like that? "I know you. And I know you love her. So, just _talk_ to her, you idiot".

He sighs. "But the wedding-"

"Benjamin, I swear to God," she starts, staring at him with the same expression he knows so well, her patience wearing thin. "I will stop the wedding and make you talk with Rey myself if I have to," she tells him, sternly, and he doesn't doubt her for even one seconds, because that's something his mother would definitely do. But there's fondness in the back of her eyes, and he nods, both moved and terrified.

He raises his hands in a plead for innocence. "Okay, no need to threaten me," he says, pressing his lips together and raising to his feet.

Leia laughs, quietly. Her smile is still bright and radiant. "Just go".

When he closes the door behind himself, he finds Rey still at the window, her forehead pressed against the glass, her small frame enveloped in the blue fabric and glowing in the faint light of the sunset. The gown almost dances around her as she moves to face him, and when she meets his eyes, there's a frown on her face that speaks of worry.

The silence feels charged, and he doesn't dare to speak, no matter how much he wants to. "Are you okay?" she asks, in the end. Her words are not bitter or cold anymore, and she takes a few step in his direction, keeping her distance but standing in front of him at the same time, to better look at him, her eyes studying his face as if it were a book. She raises her hand, only to let it fall away after a few seconds, as if she wasn't allowed to touch him. He wants to tell her she is. "You look ... shaken".

His heart twists again for the countless time, because here she is - he has hurt her and broken her heart, but she's still worried about him. He feels his eyes sting. "I'm okay," he says, in the end, his voice broken and barely audible. He clears his throat. "I wanted to apologize for last night. I-"

"No," she interrupts him. The word isn't violent or icy this time. It's quiet and soft, and the way she shakes her head speaks of something like resignation. He wants to erase all of that from her mind and take her in his arms, and remind her how loved she is, how real all of this has always been for him, how stupid he's been for doubting it. "No, I should be apologizing right now. I was awful to you last night. I just assumed you felt-" she shakes her head again, the words faltering from her lips. Now that he's come to know her so well, it's easy to notice the moment the semblance of invulnerability so etched to her soul slips for a second, and then comes back as if nothing had ever happened. His heart clenches. "It doesn't matter, it's still not an excuse for how I treated you. I'm sorry".

He tries to reach for her again, closing the gap that divides them, and this time she doesn't move away and she doesn't look as pained as before. His hand comes to rest on her bare arm again, and she doesn't pull away or steels herself - she limits herself to follow his fingers with her gaze, as if immensely fascinated by the way his fingertips brush against her skin, pressing against the constellation of freckles on her arm "You had every right. I have been an idiot," he whispers. When she turns into his direction, her lips are parted and her eyes, hazel and green, are full of love. How stupid of him, not to notice sooner. "I hurt you and I'm so sorry, I will never forgive myself for that. Please, just listen to me-"

"I'm going to leave after the ceremony," she announces, before he can finish the sentence. Her lips barely curve into a smile as he tries to grasp her words, and he shakes his head, as if he wanted to erase from existence. "Your mother needs a bridesmaid, so I'm going to stay until the ceremony ends, but then ..."

His head feels dizzy. "No," he manages to breathe out, looking at her. His grip on her arm tightens, as if she could disappear at any moment. "No, please. Please, stay".

The same resignation she was radiating just a second ago makes its way onto her face in her smile. "Why would I?" she asks him, shaking her head. It's not bitter, it's just tired, and it almost hurts him, to see her like this, because despite it all, despite the horrors from her past, Rey had always been so determined and fierce and ready to fight for her place in the world. She pulls away from him, not hastily, but gently - but still, when his hands falls away it feels like a knife driven straight into his heart. "I've already made a fool of myself and- I know I try not to show it, I know I'm used to keep it all inside, and you may even believe it, Ben, but it _hurts_. I've been stupid, thinking you could feel the same way I feel, and I think it's best for both of us if I leave. Why would I stay here?"

The words that have burned his tongue for days - hell, even months - spill from his lips with ease, this time, and his heart stills for one moment as he opens his mouth. "Because I love you".

Rey blinks a few times, her lashes trembling slightly in the light of the afternoon, almost golden against the sunset, and it's clear that she's having trouble processing his words, because she tilts her head and furrows her brow, confused. " _What_?"

"I love you," he repeats. He's surprised by how easy it is, to make himself vulnerable in front of her, to divest himself of the last piece of his armor, to strip his defenses away and finally tell her the truth. Rey's eyes are wide, her jaw slack, and her shoulder are almost trembling. The sunset behind her gives her a warm halo, making her skin glow and painting her golden. She's never been so beautiful and he has never loved someone so much. "I've loved you for so long it feels like a part of me, Rey, and that's what I should have told you last night, that's what I should have told you from the very beginning. I was just so afraid and I didn't realize how you felt until it was too late and I had already said the wrong thing," he keeps on rambling, the words he never dared to even think about spilling from his lips as he looks at her. Rey's lips are parted, and she looks so shocked, and despite it all he can't help the shiver of fear running down his spine as he looks at her. _It's normal_ , he tells himself _, love is scary, and it takes someone to hold our hand._ He reaches out for her, almost desperate to hold her hand. "And I'm so sorry, Rey, I'm so sorry I hurt you, I-"

He never gets to finish that sentence, because Rey stalks towards him, grabs the lapels of his jacket and pulls him down for a bruising kiss.

It all happens so fast he can't wrap his mind around it, but he doesn't need to, because his body remembers her all too well, and it's so natural, so normal, so heartbreakingly _easy_ and _right_ to bring his arm around her waist to hoist her up, sweep her off her feet and pull her close, closer, _closer_ , pressing their bodies together, while his other hand cradles her head, his palm against the soft skin of her face, his fingers lost in her braided hair. She whimpers on his mouth, and he can taste her tears on his lips, but she laces her arms around his shoulders, absentmindedly toying with the fine little hairs at the nape of his neck, and kisses him as if nothing else mattered in the world, pressing herself against him. Her fingers tug at his hair to keep him close, as if she wanted to nestle herself inside his body, and if he shivers and whimpers in her touch, she doesn't seem to mind. In fact, she seems to like it, because she takes his bottom lip between her teeth, slightly nibbling at it and Ben knew he was gone the moment he first saw her, so many months ago, but now he's utterly and definitely hers and he doesn't have to fight this anymore.

He pulls away just slightly, enough to breathe, heavily, his breath coming out in small puffs. Her eyes are widened in shock and there's a slightly blush creeping on her cheeks and she is so goddamn beautiful, golden freckles and hazel eyes, and lips parted but almost quirked up in a smile. He's still holding her off the ground, and he has no intention of putting her down - he likes the way she feels against him, likes the light weight of her in his arms. As if she belonged there. He twirls with her in his arms, and Rey laughs a little bit, gripping him.

"Ben," she whispers, reverently. Her fingers are lost in his hair and she's pressed so close against his chest he can hear her heartbeat as if was his, her heart thundering furiously against him. With his fingers, he wipes away the tears and Rey laughs again, a small teary things that sends his heart into chaos. Her eyes are glossy, and her voice is broken, as she speaks. "God, Ben, I've been so stupid".

He can't help the little smile on his face, as he tries to wipe away all the tears from her face. "To be honest, I've not been very brilliant either".

She laughs again, this time more surely. Her hands come to rest on his shoulders, her fingers digging lightly in the fabric of his jacket as she shakes her head. "All this time," she says, almost regretfully, tracing patters against his shoulders. "All this time, we could have done this a lot sooner. We're so stu-"

This time, he doesn't let her finish and surges forward to kiss her again. He's starting to realize he likes shutting her up like this, kissing the words away from her lips, feeling her slowly melt into him as she kisses him back, mouth so hot and sweet against his, her fingers tracing patterns along the exposed skin of his neck between his hair and the collar of his shirt. It's deep and slow and burning, and when she tugs at his hair again, it's almost instinctive to moan against her mouth, and press her against the nearest wall, her body flushed against his.

For a moment, he wonders if he's doing the right thing, if he's not overstepping or going too fast, but Rey hums, approvingly, in his mouth and she's quick to wrap her legs around his waist, the gown of her dress enveloping them both as he pins her to the wall. The fabric has hiked up a bit, and he _dies_ to curve his fingers around her thighs, to feel her soft skin under his palms, to learn every inch of her body even if he knows now it's not the right time, not with the wedding starting in a few minutes and not with all his family around - but all these thoughts disappear the moment she pulls away from his lips and starts to kiss her way down his neck, nibbling slightly at the underside of his jaw, her fingers lost in his hair.

"Rey," he murmurs, pressing a kiss to her neck, eliciting a small whimper. "Rey, I think-"

Someone clears their throat loudly. "Please, not in public," his mother's voice says, and it's like a bucket of iced water. Ben hastily pulls away from Rey and he notices his mother standing in the doorway, looking at the both of them with a smirk on her lips. He's suddenly aware of the fact that he's pressing his once fake girlfriend into a wall, and her legs are wrapped around his waist, and there's a lovebite on his neck from where her lips have been. He blushes so suddenly he almost feels dizzy.

"Oh my god," Rey whispers, her face turning crimson as she follows his gaze. She must realize she's still all wrapped around him, because she pulls away and tries to steady herself to her feet, wobbling slightly as he helps her. Despite it all, he brings a hand to her waist to support her, protectively, and Rey leans into him all the same. "I am so sorry, Leia, I mean-"

His mother shakes her head and gestures vaguely, not bothered at all by the fact that she has found them like that. "Trust me, me and Han have done worse back in the days," she tells her, and Ben is acutely aware of how much he wants to die right now. Rey laughs, almost hiding herself into his embrace, and he notices her hands are still on his chest, her fingers gripping his jacket as if he could suddenly disappear. The sight makes his heart go soft, and he wants to kiss her fingers and tell her he's not going anywhere. His mother must notice something in him, because her smile turns softer and her eyes shine. "Kids, I'm happy you have finally stopped being idiots, I was rooting for you," she says, gently, and he blushes again, his face so hot he can almost feel it. "But, you know, I have waited a lifetime to marry Amilyn, and I can't wait for it to happen. Can this wait?"

"Yes," he's quick to say, pressing his lips together. Rey seems so embarrassed she's still hiding her face into his chest, and the fact that she's letting herself be so vulnerable is enough to send his heart into a stuttering mess. "Of course".

His mother smiles again. "Good," she says, her eyebrows arched up. "I'll wait for you. The wedding is starting in a couple of minutes. Make yourself decent".

Rey whimpers pitifully against him, something that could pass for a _yes_ but he isn't sure, and he presses a kiss to her temple, as his mother starts to walk away. Her fingers are still brushing against his jacket, and he runs a hand up and down her spine, as if to soothe her. "Well, that was embarrassing".

She sighs, and then burrows into him, her face buried in his chest, her arms coming to wrap around his torso. "I have so much to tell you. So much to apologize for," she whispers, so quietly and faintly he almost doesn't hear her. But he does, and her words makes his heart clench.

He lowers himself only to press a kiss to her forehead. "I know. Me too," he says, a hand at the small of her back, as if to protect her from everything, including her own mind. "Will you stay?"

She finally raises her head and meets his gaze. Her hazel eyes are full of love and devotion, and when her hand falls away, only to reach for his, she intertwines their fingers with an ease that feels definitive, as if after all this wandering, her heart had finally made it home. " _Yes_ ".

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> F I N A L L Y!!  
> there's still a lot they have to talk about, and i'll obviously cover it in the last chapter, but finally these two hopeless kids have realized how in love they are with each other!! i've been waiting for this moment since the first chapter and i'm emotional now :D  
> as always, i am on [twitter](https://twitter.com/akosmia) and [tumblr](http://kylorensx.tumblr.com/), if you want to yell at me or chat, or anything else. i might be a little bit inactive because I have an exam in less than twenty days, but I promise to be there and reply as soon as I can ♥


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe this is the last chapter, it feels like i've been writing this story since forever and i wasn't ready to say goodbye to my children (and to the countless breakdowns because I didn't like the way the chapter had turned out :D), but here we are all the same. thank you for sticking with me, and giving the story all the love it has received in these weeks, it really surprised me and i can't believe this has happened, thank you so much to everyone of you ♥
> 
> i'll leave you to this chapter - it's, like, obscenely long and it's 14k words and then some, so ... i'm sorry? yeah. i know you don't believe me when i apologize, and frankly I don't believe myself either.

When the wedding march starts to play, his mother grips his arm forcefully, digging her nails into the fabric of his jacket with such an effort he almost feels the slight bite of it even above all his layers. She's smiling, but he can hear the frantic beat of her heart, and it turns his smile softer. It's the first time he sees his mother so tense - she has battled old, whiny politicians all her life, but her composure crumbles down on her wedding day, and Ben wants to hug her.

There's no time for that, though, so he just bumps their shoulder together - or at least he tries, even if his mother is several feet shorter than him, high heels and all. "Are you ready?" he asks her, gently. Rey, in front of them, turns just to flash them an encouraging smile, and his heart hammers crazily into his chest as he meets her gaze.

_I love you_ , he wants to tell her. _I love you. I love you._ He wants to repeat it until it's seared on her skin, etched on her bones, so ingrained in her mind she doesn't have to doubt it anymore.

Leia breathes in, and out, and then nods, bringing him back to reality. "Yes," she murmurs, quietly, her voice so faint. She's happy and radiant, but also nervous and for the first time Ben understands her - he understands how big, how beautiful, how overwhelming love is, something so terrifying and wonderful at the same time, something that tugs at his heart every time he glances into Rey's direction.

He brings his hand on his mother's, and brushes his fingers against her knuckles, trying to reassure her as best as he can. She raises her eyes to meet his, and gives him a stern look rhat does nothing to hide the tension lying underneath it. "Don't make me fall, Benjamin".

He laughs, a quiet little sound. "I wouldn't dare".

And then, they start to walk. All he remembers from this moment is the expanse of Rey's back in front of him, the constellation of freckles dusting her skin, the way her hair would brush so slightly against her neck, chestnut strands gathered low on her head in a complicated braid, barely above her nape. He remembers the way his mother leans on him, the familiar weight of her presence beside him, her shining eyes and fluttering heart as she clutches his arm in support. He smiles, so softly he's not sure it's even visible, and he feels so peaceful. 

He can point out the moment his mother notices Amilyn by the way her breath hitches on her mouth and she grips him even more firmly, her fingers carving a mark into the jacket of his suit. Amilyn looks stunning in her white lace dress, her lilac hair elegantly gathered up with a few loose curls around her face, her smile so bright it puts all the candles and lanterns around to shame.

His heart beats furiously in his ribcage, and he realizes that, for the first time in his life, he's happy.

When they arrive in front of the altar, his mother finally smiles at him - no, she doesn't smile, she _beams_ at him, so happy and radiant it almost takes him aback. The tension in her shoulders seems to melt as she turns to look at Amilyn, taking her hand into hers, and he smiles too, as he slowly backs away and sits next to his father.

The rest of the ceremony is almost a blur, but so impossibly bright. His mother and Amilyn are shining - they are looking at each other with so much love and fondness and sheer happiness that it's difficult not to be moved by it.

This love - it feels almost a living thing, enveloping all of them, and this immense garden, and Ben is reminded of the very first time he had realized they were in love, back when he was still an angry teenager and they were as afraid and caught off guard as he had been. He remembers that day - his mother and Amilyn sat on the couch of the living room, their hands intertwined, Amilyn's thumb drawing small patterns over the back of his mother's hand, trying to calm her, to soothe her, to reassure her it was going to be okay. An anchor in a chaotic world. No words were spoken, but to Ben, that moment felt pivotal and definitive. He remembers lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling and feeling both happy and sad at the same time, a sentiment so big and powerful he couldn't put it into words.

To see them here, at the altar, after everything they have been through - after the pain and the fears and the doubts - is the most beautiful thing in the world. They deserve this, he thinks. They deserve this happiness.

He knows he's crying by the end of it, when Amilyn bends down to kiss his mother, but he doesn't care. There's no one to mock him here - no old men waiting for him to make a scene, no Hux looking at him, disdain so easy to read on his face, no one to point and laugh at him. There's his family - the one he has spent his whole life running away from, only to find out he has never really left them behind, no matter how hard he has tried.

And there's Rey. When he dares to cast a glance into her direction again, he notices she's wiping a tear off her face, trying her best to look as composed and calm as always because that's who she is, and she tries to keep it together even when she can't and Ben wants to cry again, because he loves her so much he's not sure he has even the words to explain it.

When she catches his gaze, she smiles at him, and he can't help but smile back. There's still a lot they have to talk about, there's still a lot they have to explain to each other and apologize for - but this moment, right now, with the sunset painting the sky in orange and pink, and casting shadows on her face, making her hazel eyes seem almost golden in this light, this moment is blessed, and that's all that matters.

*

"You know, I have to admit it," his father starts, sitting down next to him with his usual smirk on his face. He still looks vaguely disgruntled about the whole idea of wearing a suit, but he seems to have made peace with it, in his own annoyed way. "They're cute".

Ben is sitting at his table, watching his mother and Amilyn dance more or less gracefully to _Stand By Me_ , smiling and laughing and throwing their head back as they giggle and try not to step on each other's dresses.

The sun has definitely set by now, and they're dancing surrounded by the low glow of the lanterns, the light shining softly on their faces as they twirl around in small movements. It's a beautiful sight, and Ben tries to remember if he has ever seen his mother look so happy before, but to no avail. She looks radiant - so full of life, so ready to face everything head first, untouched by worries and sorrows, like the last twenty years had never left a mark on her, like they had just been washed away, leaving her younger and more vibrant than ever.

He smiles, unable to do otherwise.

"You're right, they're cute," he tells his father, turning into his direction. It's still weird, to sit like this with his father right beside him, and smile, as if nothing ever happened, but he's trying to get used to it. Han is smiling too, and it's equally weird to see him like this - so open, so honest, so _human_. Ben doesn't even remember the last time his father had looked at him like that, his eyes shining from happiness. His signature smirk looks less teasing and more sincere, tonight. "I'm glad to see mom like this. She deserves it".

His father sighs, not losing his smile, despite everything. His sigh is a tired sound, that speaks of years spent running away from everything, and Ben realizes, for the countless time in these few days, how alike they are, how they hop in their car and press on the gas pedal as if they could outrun everything else, fully knowing they can't but willing to try anyway.

"Yeah, she does deserve it".

It's surprisingly easy to nudge his father's shoulder, and smile at him. "Hey," he says, softly, which comes as a shock both to him and to Han. "You deserve it too, you know".

His father inhales, sharply, as if he had just struck him, and they both know how big it is, Ben telling him something like that. "Thank you," he replies, in the end. His voice is low, his words almost stuttered, clearly not used to this. Then, he shakes his head and the smirk is back in place, as if it had never left. "I'm just happy she has found someone".

Ben turns to stare at his mother again. She's laughing as Amilyn presses a kiss to her cheek, and they both look so impossibly happy - as if nothing had ever happened. But it did, and maybe that's why this happiness is so precious right now - because they have fought for it, crawling their way out of sorrow and pain to reach it.

Ben, being Ben and too much like his father, just smirks, because it's easier this way, and they both know it. "Is this your way of telling me you're dating uncle Lando and you're finally settling down?" he says, nodding into Lando's direction, where the man is charming his way around the whole wedding. "Because you know I need a warning for that, dad".

Han is so shocked that, were he drinking a glass of something he would have now spluttered it out. "What? No!" he exclaims, surprised. His eyes follow Ben's, and they both stare at Lando, at his charming, easy smile, his bright eyes, his pleasant manners. Then, almost offended, his father shakes his head and speaks again. "What the fuck, Ben? _Lando_? I mean, if I had to settle down, I'd go for Luke".

Ben suddenly regrets his teasing, and his stomach drops. "Please, don't". 

His father laughs, quietly, and thankfully he doesn't add anything else, as both their gazes fall on Luke, who is currently trying to teach Rey a few steps. They awkwardly dance around the room, Rey giggling and throwing her head back like a kid, so wonderfully happy for once, and Ben immediately forgets the whole conversation, because she looks so _radiant_ , so at ease here, surrounded by his family. By _her_ family now, his mind corrects him.

This time, it's his father's turn to bump their shoulders together, and he does it with a teasing smirk and a mischievous glint in the back of his piercing eyes.

"What about _you_? I can't help but notice you've been busy," he tells him, eyeing the lovebite that Rey has left on his neck this afternoon and that he hasn't quite managed to hide. Out of instinct, he brings a hand to cover it, and his father laughs, clearly enjoying the way he turns crimson under his gaze, then shakes his head. "Are _you_ thinking about settling down?"

He glances into Rey's direction again and she must notice his gaze, because she smiles at him and waves her hand, so easily and fondly he's taken aback. His lips curve upwards before he can even think about it, and he's surprised to realize that this time he doesn't have to hold back, doesn't have to pretend it doesn't affect him, that it doesn't make him want to run on the dance floor and sweep her into his arms. He could do that, and she'd just laugh at his silliness, gifting him that tender, loving look he's so fond of. That look that had always been real, from the very beginning.

"You know what?" he says, in the end, his lips still curved into a smile, his eyes fixed on Rey as she tries to move her feet without stomping on Luke's, her brow furrowed in concentration as she follows his steps. A laughter bubbles in his chest, warm and reassuring. "Maybe I am".

His father groans, but it's a gentle sound, and it's clear that he's just trying to tease him.

"You're becoming a sap, it's not even funny to tease you," he whines, but he nudges again his shoulder and smirks, so easily, as if they had always done this. His gaze gets a little bit more serious when he turns into his direction, but he doesn't lose the youthful smile on his face, and Ben is glad of that. He knows there's still a lot they have to talk about, and there's still a lot to build from nothing and it doesn't end here, but it feels important all the same. "Hey. I know I'm not good at this, but ... I'm glad we talked".

He gulps, his heart suddenly in his throat. "I'm glad too, dad," he replies, and there's so much he wants to say right now, but he can't find the right words to express all that he's feeling - the nostalgia, the longing, the happiness mixed with the regret of not having done this sooner, but also the sheer and utter peace at knowing that the worst is over, that they can start again from now on. There are no words that could say all of it, so he just smiles. Then, he notices his mother moving, from the corner of his eye. "Oh, no, quick, she's coming this way".

There's no time to hide - Leia is surprisingly fast, despite her heels, and she's already at their table, watching them with a little smile on her lips, stretching out her hand. "Han," she says, as another song starts and she nods into the direction of the dancefloor. "Will you dance with me?"

Ben is very glad he has managed to escape from this torture for a minute, even if he doesn't know how, and he laughs at his father's horrified expression, as if Leia had just asked him to sell his stupid, battered Falcon.

"Why would I?" he asks, but he's already raising to his feet and taking her hand, despite all his whining and efforts to look like he hates it.

Leia laughs, easy and carefree. "Because it's my wedding and you have to do as I say," she replies, dragging Han all the way from their table to the dancefloor. Before they're too far away, Ben manages to hear another whine and his father say, " _As if I didn't on a daily basis_ ".

The laughter that escapes his lips is so spontaneous and genuine he's almost surprised, but not quite. He's getting used to this, he realizes - to be happy around his family without wanting to rip his heart out, a balance he didn't know it was possible until now. He meets Amilyn's gaze as she tugs at Luke's jacket, pulling him away from Rey, and he knows what that means, even if she has not spoken a words. Her eyes are gentle, but firm as usual as she nods in Rey's direction.

_Go get your girl, you idiot._

Ben doesn't dare to do otherwise. The walk from his table to the edge of the dancefloor, where Rey is, lasts both a lifetime and a few seconds, and when he finds himself in front of her, he doesn't know what to say, his mouth suddenly dry, all the words the English language has to offer lost somewhere between his lips and his mind. Her eyes are fixed on him, and there's such a warmth in her smile that he's almost in tears. The lights dance on her skin, making it look golden, and the freckles on the bridge of her nose are a constellation he can't wait to explore. 

"Hey," he says in the end, stretching out his hand.

She takes it in a heartbeat, her fingers fitting perfectly around his own, and she stares at their hands with a soft smile, the mask she always puts on lifted off her face by now. He can see now how much this simple gesture means to her, and it's almost automatic to bring their joined hands to his lips, and gently kiss her knuckles.

"You stayed," he says, pretty stupidly, to which Rey laughs, a quiet little sound that has him in tears again.

"I stayed," she confirms, even if it's pointless. But her words are full of something else - full of love, a world of meaning he's just learning to decode, and he wants to know all of it, all of her, all of her sharp edges and soft smiles, and the way she smiles just for him. Her eyes are fixed on him, when she speaks again. "I guess you made me change my mind".

He thinks about the hallway - his words, the way she had looked at him, eyes wide, jaw slack. Her hands on his jacket, the way she had pulled him down for a kiss, desperate and happy at the same time, her lips on his, the softness of her skin, the beauty of her body pressed against his, her tears and her laughter. "I'm glad," he says, in the end, feeling himself turn red under her gaze. 

She smiles, softly and then, after a beat, her lashes tremble again, and she meets his gaze, hesitantly, and maybe he has learned to read her by now, or maybe she has let him inside her soul somehow, but he can see how afraid she is right now, as if he could somehow hurt her again.

"You really thought all of that?" she asks him, her shoulders shivering, as if she was fighting the urge to cross her arms over her chest and protect herself. His heart twists into his ribcage, and he wants to hold her into his arms and whispers words of love against her forehead for the rest of his life, and it comes as a surprise, the idea he can. "What you said before the wedding- you still feel that way?"

He knows what she's asking, and he doesn't hesitate this time. "Yes," he replies, immediately, because he won't let her doubt about his love anymore. She breathes out, relief so easy to read on her face now that she isn't trying to hide herself behind a wall anymore, and his heart clenches, because he knows he has to apologize for it. "I love you, Rey," he repeats, quietly.

Her smile is not tentative anymore, and her grip on his hand tightens. She takes a deep breath, her shoulders rising and falling in a slow wave. "I love you too," she says, then, easily, her voice not small or broken, but certain, determined, as if she had waited her whole life for this moment.

His heart jumps in his throat, and he has to blink a few tears back, and to hear her say that is almost too much. Nobody had ever said something like that to him, and here she is, talking about loving him as if it was the easiest thing in the world. But they both know it's not, and this makes it everything even more incredible.

In this moment, the song ends. He notices his father letting his mother go and almost running away from the dancefloor, under her amused gaze. Rey lets out a breathy exhale that could pass for a laughter, but before he can say anything, another song starts.

_Wise men say only fools rush in._

He turns to face Rey again, and she's staring at him, her eyes shining again, even if he doesn't know if it is from tears or from something else. She looks up to him, and her expression is not unreadable anymore, but it's full of love and affection, and he doesn't know how he managed not to realize it sooner - how he managed to think she was looking at him like that only because she was pretending.

_But I can't help falling in love with you._

"Rey," he murmurs again, his voice trembling on his lips. "I am sorry, I was such an id-"

She rips the ground off his feet and surprises him, as always. "Do you know how to dance?"

Ben is at loss, and he frowns, confused, staring at her like he isn't quite following her. "What? Yes".

"Good," she replies, flashing him her small, private smile. "Because I don't," she adds, and with that, she tugs at his hand and drags him on the dancefloor, as if they had done this before.

She only lets go of his hand to bring her arms around his neck, and out of instinct he rests his hands around her waist, palms against her back, bringing her close to him. He has not danced in years - not since he turned into an awkward teenager anyway - but it feels almost easy to slowly sway to the music, her body pressed against his, and her eyes fixed on him. Her fingers play with the hair at the base of his neck as they move around the dancefloor, and there's a genuine happiness in the back of her eyes, and Ben's heart feels on the verge of bursting, and he's never, ever loved someone so much.

_Like a river flows surely to the sea, darling, so it goes_.

" _Some things are meant to be_ ," she intones, as they sway around the room, the low glow of the lanterns almost a blur, and Ben feels the familiar stinging of the tears in his eyes as he watches her, the way her red lips curve in a smile as she looks at him.

_Take my hand, take my whole life too for I can't help falling in love with you._

"God, Rey, I've been so stupid, I fucked up so badly," he murmurs. He knows his voice sounds shaky, but he doesn't care anymore. He doesn't want to look strong and calm with her, he wants her to know him, to know all about him. "Can I apologize now?"

She stares at him for a few seconds, as if considering his words, her fingers threading through his hair so carefully, so gently, then she shakes her head. "No," she murmurs, and his heart deflates for a moment, before her hand comes to cup his face and her smile turns softer as her thumb smoothes his cheekbone. "No, because I should be apologizing right now. It's true, maybe you phrased it badly and you fucked up a little, but this is not on you. It's on me. And I want to apologize".

He frowns, his fingers running up and down her spine in a soothing gesture he's become familiar with, in a span of a few days. She leans into his touch, stepping even closer. "You don't have to apologize".

"Yes, I do," she shakes her head again, closing her eyes for a second, as if it took her all her strength to face this moment. "Please, let me do this".

Her voice is still unbearably soft, but it's firmer now, and when she opens her eyes, there's her usual determination in her gaze. The one that made him fall in love with her from the very beginning. He nods, a shuddering breath leaving his lips. His fingers ding into the fabric of her dress, pulling her closer, their bodies flushed together as they move around the room, light dancing on her bare skin.

"Okay".

The soft glow makes her hair look almost auburn, as she rests her head against his chest, while they keep on moving, swaying gently to the old song he remembers thinking about just a few days before. It had felt right, at the time, and it feels right even now, as his fingers count every knot up her spine, trying to calm her.

She draws a deep breath, before talking, and shivers in his arms. He realizes how big this must be for her - to be so open, so defenseless, to let him peek into her soul - and his head comes to rest on top of hers, his chin on her forehead, as he tucks her into his arms, as if to protect her and reassure her. Her arms, wrapped around his shoulders, clutch at him, fingers digging into his muscles.

"I think I actually fell a little bit in love with you the day you broke the espresso machine. I was so mad at you and I wanted to smack your stupid face, but then, there you were, with your big eyes, looking like a kicked puppy and ... I don't know, I suddenly felt something warm in my heart. You looked so stupidly cute," she whispers, a smile pressed against his shirt. Her breath ghosts over his chest, above the few layers between them, and he smiles too at the memory, even if a slight blush tints his cheeks. But it doesn't matter, because she speaks of that moment with such a fondness that suddenly it's not embarrassing and cringe-worthy anymore, but it's tender and almost cute. "And I guess it scared me to death. I don't know how to let people love me, and I don't know how to love either. It terrified me, being so vulnerable and letting someone else get under my skin, giving them the power to hurt me. So I didn't. I tried to keep it to myself, I never let myself feel what I felt, because I thought that if I let my guard down even for a moment, something terrible would happen".

She raises her head just enough to stare at him, her eyes shining from the unshed tears, because of course she's still the stubborn Rey he has known for months and if she can avoid crying she will, always. He doesn't dare interrupt her, but he lowers himself so he can press a kiss to her forehead, and she sighs at the contact.

"But I guess it didn't really work," she says, with a shrug, a small smile still hovering on her lips. Her lids tremble slightly as he presses another kiss to her hairline, as if she was trying really hard to keep it together even now, despite it all. "You were always there, so awkwardly charming, stuttering on your words and smiling at me like I meant something and I knew I was a goner. And then, all of this happened. And I guess, it was my way of letting myself feel all of it. It was easy, because it was all pretend and I could tell myself I was safe, that I wasn't putting myself on the line".

Her hand comes to thread through his hair, fingers caressing his scalp, slowly, as if she wanted to savor this moment. The other one cradles his jaw, and he nuzzles into her palm, planting kisses against her skin. The mere act of it seems to come to her as a revelation, and she inhales, sharply, before continuing.

"I think it was my way of letting myself being in love with you without making myself vulnerable. But it was stupid, because it wasn't pretending. It never was," she whispers, a secret between the two of them.

_Like a river flows surely to the sea, darling, so it goes, some things are meant to be._

His voice is low, almost broken, when he tries to speak. "It wasn't pretending for me either," he murmurs, feeling himself shiver under her hands, her palm so soft against his skin, her thumb gently tracing the lines of his face, as if she finally allowed herself to want to memorize him.  

She smiles, so softly, so gently. "I know now. I guess I always knew, in a way, but I wouldn't let myself believe it. Last night, when you told me it wasn't real- it made me realize for the first time than it _was_ , for me, that I had let you get under my skin a long time ago. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you and I didn't let you explain, I'm sorry I made you think I was only pretending, but I wasn't. All of it, everything I have said or done- it was real," she shakes her head again, and this time he notices the few tears spilling from her eyes, rolling down her cheeks. His hand comes instantly on her face, and he wipes the tears with his fingers, gently, as if not to scare her away, fingertips barely brushing against her skin. Rey smiles, a tremulous thing that feels like a knife into his heart. "So this is my apology, I guess. It's awful and terrible but- I love you. And I'm sorry".

She's shivering, by the end of it, and he wraps her in his embrace again, letting her rest her head against his chest, her arms secured around his shoulders, her body safely tucked against his. He breathes in her flowery scent, and presses a kiss to her hairline, his lips trailing slowly, planting worshipful kisses to her temple, her cheek, the soft spot where her jaw meets her neck. She shivers and whimpers at the contact, so faintly he could almost miss it, were his senses not attuned to every little thing coming from her. It takes him by surprise to realize she had been just as touch-starved as him, only better at hiding it. He trails up again, leaving a kiss at the crown of her head.

"Sweetheart, hey, it's okay," he breathes against her forehead, as her lashes brush against the fabric of his shirt, and her eyes flutter closed for a moment. Her shoulders stop trembling under his hands, and they keep on swaying, slowly, the music whispering in their ears. "I'm sorry too. I've been an idiot, I shouldn't have said those things. I guess I was so busy feeling sorry for myself because I thought that you didn't feel the way I felt that I missed all the signs".

She laughs against his chest, a blessed sound that makes his heart thump against his ribcage. She must hear it, because she nuzzles into him, her chest pressed against his, her breath ghosting over his neck, right where she has left her mark a few hours before. Her hands are splayed on his back, her fingers gripping his jacket, as if he could run away somehow, and her grip was the only thing keeping him here.

"Yeah, we were both idiots," she says, her voice lighter this time. She raises her eyes to look at him, and he smiles down at her, and it feels _real_ , and for the first time he knows it is. "How will we even manage _this_?"

He lowers himself so he can rests his forehead against hers, as they slowly move around. They must look stupid, and he can feel some gazes on them, but he doesn't care, and when Rey smiles at him, all the other thoughts vanish from his mind. His hands are at the small of her back, his palms pressed against the fabric of her dress, and when he pulls her closer, flushed against him, she lets him do it, melting into his touch. He hadn't realized how much she had tried to hide her longing for him, not until now - but now she sighs as he runs a hand up and down her spine and plants the other firmly on her back, and he's surprised to notice how much she _yearns_ for him.

"Well," he murmurs, his voice low, as if he was whispering her his most precious secret. "I guess we'll have to figure it out together".

The look in her eyes - the pure and utter happiness in the way she stares at him - makes his heart twist pleasantly in his chest. "Together," she repeats, quietly, with the brightest smile he has ever seen. "I like the sound of that".

_Take my hand, take my whole life too, 'cause I can't help falling in love with you._

He smiles. And then, he ducks his head down and kisses her.  

She gasp on his mouth, surprised, but it takes her only a few second to wrap her arms around his neck, fingers threading through his hair, and press herself even more against him, as if she could disappear inside him. She opens up her lips just slightly, enough to make him whimper as she kisses him too, and it feels sacred, a prayer whispered to her mouth only. He gently bites her bottom lip, his fingers digging into her hips, hesitant but also so _eager_ , and Rey makes a sweet little sound that makes his head spin. He wants - everything. He wants _her_ and the most incredible thing is that she wants him too.

A hums escape her lips as she pulls away to breathe, and her eyes flutter open slowly, as if she was still savoring the kiss, committing it to her memory. He wants to tell her she doesn't have to do this anymore - he isn't going anywhere, and they have all the time in the world, now, but she smirks, and he forgets every single word he has ever known.

"You're initiating a lot of kisses, lately," she comments, breathing heavily against his mouth. Her eyes are shining, but there's no trace of tears this time - just her usual glimmer, but brighter, brighter than the light of a thousand stars, brighter than a supernova and just as blinding. "Someone is getting bold".

He presses a kiss to the tip of her nose, eliciting a laugh. "Oh, shut up," he murmurs, before dipping down again and claiming her lips. Rey doesn't need to be told twice and smiles against him as he kisses her and kisses her and kisses her, for what it feels like a lifetime.

"You know," she murmurs, as he pulls away from her mouth only to plant kisses on her cheek, on the corner of her lips, on her jaw, unable to stay away from her for more than one second, now that he gets to touch her like this. She shivers and laughs, but she doesn't pull away, more than happy, apparently, to bask in his affection. "You really are getting better at it. That thing you did this afternoon- sweeping me off my feet? That was nice".

It's his turn to laugh, as he presses his lips to the crown of her head. "Let's just say I had a great teacher".

They keep on swaying like this for what it feels forever, song after song, all too focused on each other, smiling and laughing and twirling around as if nothing else existed in the world, exchanging kisses and promises, and to Ben, that's the most beautiful moment of his life.

"Oh," Rey murmurs, her eyes fixed on something behind him that Ben can't see without turning. "I think your mother is waiting to dance with you".

He whines, dropping his head on her shoulder, making Rey laugh. "Oh, no".

*

Rey is still laughing, by the time they make it home.

"You looked so _cute_ ," she says, as he closes the door behind them. It's late night, and the house is eerily empty without his mother and Amilyn, but they stayed back at the inn, and now it's just the two of them, making their way to the stairs. His skin tingles, but he tries not to let it show, as Rey tries to stifle her giggles, probably still thinking about his dance with his mother. "I never knew you could really _dance._ I thought you were saying that just to humor me".

He's still blushing. "Yeah, well," he says, as articulated as ever when Rey is involved. He can feel his ear burning, and he's glad it's night, and she can't really see him that well. "My mother made me take dancing lesson when I was a kid. She said it was important".

Without thinking, he stretches out his hand as they climb the stairs and she takes it in a heartbeat, lacing their fingers together. He knows it's supposed to be normal for them, right now, but it's like his mind and his heart haven't quite caught up with the reality, and so he shivers all the same, as she strokes the back of his hand with her thumb.

She seems to be deep in thought. "Can you do the whole Dirty Dancing thing when he lifts her up in the air?" she asks, after a moment, her eyes shining in the darkness of the house, and she looks so beautiful, bathed in the moonlight, he can't help but smile, and lean down and press a kiss to the corner of her mouth. "Hey, don't try to distract me, it won't work".

He laughs, pulling away. "I can try harder".

Rey raises her eyebrows and looks at him with a surprised expression, before she breaks into a mischievous smile that makes his heart lose a few beats.

"I'm sure you can," she says, smirking, and before he even has a chance to blush or stutter, she tugs at his hand, guiding him back in his room.

The night seems to hum around them, as he closes the door of his room behind them with a soft thud. Rey is still holding his hand, her fingers fitting perfectly between his, as if they were made just for this. They stay in silence, just staring at each other, and Ben can feel his skin tingle again and his mouth go dry as she smiles at him, looking beautiful and ethereal in the moonlight, her dress clinging to her body and moving gently with her.

She kicks off her heels in a swift, practiced move, before staring at him again. "Can you help me with the zip?" she asks, her voice barely above a whisper, sounding almost out of breath all of the sudden. He's so caught up in her that for a moment he doesn't follow her and he frowns, confused, but then she lets go of his hand to turn her back on him, and show him the zip of her dress, and he finally understands.

"Oh," he murmurs, all the air suddenly sucked out of his lungs. "Sure".

He places one hand at her waist, fingers barely digging into the soft fabric of her dress, while he searches for the zip with the other one. He can feel his breath coming in nervous puffs, and Rey trembles under his touch when his fingers brush against her neck as he slowly pulls down the zip. He tries his best not to take advantage of this situation, but his fingertips come to graze at her skin as he slowly makes his way down to her waist, and she lets out a gasp when both of his hands rest at her hips, pulling her closer. Before he can talk himself out of it, he places a kiss at the nape of her neck, and Rey shivers in his arms, leaning into him.

His fingers trail up, following the line of her spine as if climbing up a ladder, and then they reach the intricate braid on her head, following the twist of her hair, marveling at the softness. "Did my mother do this?"

Rey sighs, as his fingers brush against her hair. "Yes," she replies, melting into his touch, her words a barely above a whisper. "She said she used to braid your hair too".

A low chuckle escapes his lips, as his fingers follow the pattern of the braids, hanging low on her head. "She did," he confirms, and Rey laughs too, a breathless little sound that makes her shiver again in his embrace. "Can I let your hair loose?"

He doesn't want to ruin the masterpiece his mother has made of her hair, but - the simple act of running his fingers through those strands, feeling their softness, threading carefully as she melts against him, the whole idea of it makes him weak, and when Rey nods, silently, he feels almost electrical. He starts to undo her braids, working gently with the strands, letting his fingers card through her hair as he lets it fall on her shoulder. She sighs again, and he notices her closing her eyes, her lashes barely visible against the moonlight. She's resting against his chest, her body so pliant and soft, the fabric of her dress scratching gently against his shirt, and when his fingers brush against her skin as he lets her hair go, a whimper slips past her lips.

"Done," he whispers, stepping away from her, and God, she's so breathtaking like this, the moonlight barely illuminating the expanse of her back, shining on her freckles, deep brown hair brushing gently against her shoulder blades. She looks like a painting, and he feels like an intruder, stepping into a sacred moment. But, apparently, she doesn't seem to mind, because she lets the dress fall, the soft, expensive fabric pooling at her feet with a rustle, and then she steps out of it and turns to face him, a hint of red on her cheeks and a pair of lacy panties all that covers her at the moment.

Ben would like to say that he doesn't short-circuit, but it would be a lie. He stares at her - the bare expanse of her skin, the freckles that dust every inch of her body, the small curve of her breasts and the dip of her hipbones, long legs and sharp edges and softness all mixed together - and gulps. She's so - _beautiful_. He knows he's shivering, but he doesn't know how to stop.

"You pout when you're deep in thought," she comments, bringing him back to reality. A reality in which she's naked, in front of him, and she looks at him with amusement and fondness in her eyes, as he tries really hard to look at her face. His breath is ragged, coming out in small puffs, his chest rising and falling too quickly, and he feels almost dizzy, as if the whole room had started to spin furiously around him.

"What?" he manages to ask, his voice sounding weirdly high-pitched, and she lets out a quiet little laugh, taking a step into his direction. He can't help but stare at her, as she stretches out her arm and comes to cup his face, her naked body so close to him he could touch her, if he only dared.

She strokes his face with her thumb, gently, cradling his jaw. "When you're thinking too much, you press your lips together and you pout a little bit," she explains him, with a smile. He wonders how much time she has spent watching him, and he nuzzles into her palm at the thought, his eyes fluttering shut for a second. When he opens them again, her face turns more serious, never loosing the softness and the sheer adoration in the back of her eyes. "Don't overthink it, Ben. We don't have to do anything you don't want to do".

He nods, leaning into her touch. "I know," he murmurs, his voice so low and thick, and he doesn't know how to hold it all inside, or how to explain what he's feeling. He stretches out his hand, trembling. "Can I touch you?"

She's breathless, when she replies. " _Yes_ ".

And so he does. He brings a hand to her hip, marveling at the beauty of her bare skin under his palm, sharp bones and softness all together, his finger moving up her down her side, making her giggle and gasp at the same time. Her skin is warm, and he watches in fascination the way she responds to his touch, arching ever so slightly, her body following his fingers as if by instinct.

When he finally closes the distance between them, and presses a kiss at the point where her jaw meets her neck, Rey lets out a sigh, leaning into his touch, almost melting into him. Her eyes flutter shut, and the movement of her lashes feels like a hurricane as he slowly trails down, his lips mapping every inch of her neck, leaving kisses in their wake. He lavishes the column of her throat, nibbling at her soft skin, staring in awe as he watches it bruise under his lips, matching the lovebite she has reverently left earlier on his neck. Rey whimpers, and grips his shoulders, nails digging into his jacket as she rubs her thighs together, her breath already heavy from anticipation. His head spins at the sight, and if he tightens his grip on her, she doesn't complain.

He proceeds to kiss down her neck, mouthing the gentle dip of her collarbones, his teeth barely grazing her soft skin, and then he lowers himself, pressing a kiss to the outline of her breast.

Rey's hands fly to his hair, gripping the strands between her fingers, as he follows the soft curve of her breast, planting open-mouthed kisses, tasting her skin. He watches in fascination as she lets out a small, wrecked sound, her body arching against him as his fingers trail up, coming to brush against her nipple. Her chest rises and falls in quick waves, and when he looks up, eyes searching for hers in confirmation, he notices the flush on her checks has spread to the edge of her neck, and she looks _glorious_ like this, better than every dream he has ever had. He plants another kiss against her breast, and then, without tearing his gaze away from her, he hesitantly takes her nipple into his mouth, letting his tongue flick against the pebbled bud.

She lets out a gasp and tightens her grip on his hair as his teeth come to graze against her nipple. His eyes shoot up, afraid of having messed this up, but she's panting, and her eyes are screwed shut and-

" _Ben_ ," she whimpers, her voice low and broken, her back arching in his touch, as if she wanted to press herself even closer. Her brow is furrowed in concentration, her lips parted in a soundless moan as he rolls his tongue over her nipple again. "Please-"

Her legs seems to wobble, and it's instinctive to bring his hands under her thighs and hoist her up as if she weighted nothing, letting her wrap her legs around his waist and pressing her against the nearest wall, just as he has done a few hours ago. This time, there's no barrier between them, no layers of fabric and lace to brush away, no gown to hinder his movements, and she moans as his fingers finally, _finally_ curve around her thighs, digging into the soft flesh and pulling her closer, _closer_ , rocking his hips just slightly as he lowers his head to lavish her breasts in kisses.

The gentle roll of his hips sends shockwaves down his spine, his skin tingling at the sensation as Rey wraps her legs around him even tighter. She must be able to feel his erection even above the few layers that stand between them, because she lets out a low moan, her thighs quivering around him as she tries to move her hips and press herself even closer.

"Fuck, Ben," she breathes out, head rolling back against the wall, her fingers gripping his hair almost forcefully. Her voice is low, husky, thick with desire, and it sends shivers down his spine, urging him to press her even more against the wall. "Who knew you were such a _tease_ ".

He smiles against her skin. "I'm sorry," he whispers, nipping gently at the soft flesh of her breast, following some sort of instinct that has awakened just now. Her hands wind into his hair, fingers threading through the strands as he travels to the other breast, giving it the same treatment, studying her broken moans and stifled whimpers at his every action. "Should I stop?" he asks, glancing up and flashing her a smirk, because he may be a blushing virgin, but he's still a little shit at heart.

In response, Rey tugs at his hair, making him stutter and turning him boneless.

"Don't you dare," she murmurs, and so he doesn't stop, and keeps mouthing at her breast, his lips tracing the outline of it, alternating between open-mouthed kisses and feather-like touches, rolling her nipples between his teeth, gently. Rey turns into a sensitive, gasping mess into his arms, leaning into his touch and arching her back off the wall, her little sounds guiding him as he worships her, her grip on his hair almost too strong but not quite, her hips rolling slightly even if he's pinning her to the wall.

" _Ben_ ," she whimpers, as he starts trail lower, planting kisses on her ribs, loving the contrast between the sharpness of her bones and the smoothness of her skin, loving even the few scars scattered along her torso. He presses kisses to these too, as if his mouth could somehow rewrite them. When he looks up, meeting her heated gaze, he notices he has left a few marks on her skin where his teeth have been, but she doesn't seem to mind. Instead, she fists his hair again, tugging at it. "Come here. Please, come here".

He complies, raising his head again, heart racing in his chest, so quickly he's sure she can hear it. Her eyes are dark with desire when he smiles at her, and then she leans in and kisses him, her hand still in his hair, the other clutching his shoulder for support. Her body is flushed against his, every inch of her fitting perfectly against him, his hands gripping her thighs to steady her and pull her closer, and when she tentatively rolls her hips again, he groans into her mouth, feeling himself harden even more against her. She smiles, her lips leaving his only to plant sweet little kisses on his cheeks, the corner of his mouth, the tip of his nose, innocent touches in stark contrast to the way she moves.

She rolls her hips again and he moans, the sound almost clawing its way out of his throat, as he stares at her in awe.

"I need you," he whispers, between kisses, as both of her hands come to rest on his shoulders, fingers digging into his muscles as if she was trying to steady herself. He's still wearing his jacket and his shirt, but he can feel all the same the pressure of her fingertips against his skin, as if she had burned her way through his clothes. He feels delirious, overwhelmed by her closeness. "I need you, Rey, please".

She doesn't hesitate. "You're a little overdressed," she murmurs, the corners of her mouth quirking up in an amused little smile, and her hands come to push the jacket down his shoulders, helping him getting rid of it.

The piece of clothing falls to the ground with a soft rustle, followed by his tie, and then her fingers yank the shirt free from his trousers and start to work the button open, pressing a kiss to his neck every once in a while. She trails her lips down as his shirt slowly falls open, an her tongue comes to soothe the bruise she had left earlier, making him gasp, his head almost lulling forward, his legs trembling slightly as her teeth graze his skin again.

"God, _Rey_ ," he pants, digging his fingers in the soft, warm flesh of her thighs as she works up a bruise on the underside of his jaw. Her red lipstick is gone by now, eaten away by desperate kisses, but he imagines Rey, kissing her way down on his chest and leaving a red mark where her lips were. He moans, as she trails down and nips at his collarbones, and then gasps as her hand comes to press against his naked chest, fingers brushing against his skin almost reverently. The sensation of her skin against his is almost scorching, and he feels feverish as her fingers trace small patterns over his heart. Her gentle intake of breath is the only sound he can hear in the whole world.

"You're beautiful," she whispers, her lips curving upwards. as she continues to explore him, her fingers travelling lower, following the lines of his navel to the edge of his trousers, counting every mole and every freckle on his pale skin. He has never felt beautiful, no one has ever told him that - but Rey stares at him with wonder in her eyes, as if she was staring at something otherworldly, and he believes her, for once.

His shirt falls to the ground too, as she brings her lips to his neck again. She presses sweet, lingering kisses, nibbling gently at his skin as her hands follow the line of his muscles, travelling lower and lower until they reach the hem of his trousers. Her legs leave him, and she steadies herself on her feet as her fingers curve in his belt loops and pull him closer, if that's even possible. He inhales sharply, the sound falling almost automatically from his lips as she traces the outline of his cock through the fabric of his slacks.

Her hand stills immediately. "Is this okay?" she asks, mouth pressed against the underside of his jaw. He nods, silently, but she pulls away to stare into his eyes, her other hand finding its way to his face, cradling it as she usual does. It's such a gentle gesture, and so utterly Rey, and he can't help but smile. Here she is, pressed against him, one hand on the front of his trousers, and she still manages to be so sweet. "We don't have to-"

"I want you," he replies, as easy as that, because he has spent months of his life denying himself that simple truth, and now it falls effortlessly from his lips, and he doesn't want to hide it anymore. "Please, I just want you. I've wanted you for so long, Rey-".

Rey raises to her tiptoes to silence him with a kiss, one arm coming around his neck, while her fingers try to unbuckle his belt. It's difficult with only one hand, so he lets go of her hips and joins her, helping her getting rid of his belt, and then unbuttoning his pants, letting them slide down his legs.

He only pulls away from her to kick off his shoes and the trousers, and then he's kissing her again, his hands finding their way to her hips, lifting her off the ground again and pressing her against him, almost grinding against her as he starts to walk them both towards the mattress.

It takes them a few try, but finally they reach the edge of the bed and she climbs on it, never leaving his lips or his skin for more than one minute. He follows her, as if their bodies were tied by millions invisible strings, and he covers her body with his own, careful not to crush her, peppering her skin with kisses and gentle bites, his hands roaming along her body, trying to find the places that make her moan and the ones that make her squirm and giggle.

When his hand starts to venture lower, following the small but entrancing curve of her hips, protruding hipbones giving way to soft flesh, Rey inhales, sharply, and his gaze flickers to her face. She's flushed, parted lips and shining eyes and so, so beautiful, and when he raises his eyebrows in a silent question, she nods, biting down her lips as his fingers brush against the lacy fabric of her underwear and he finds himself gasping.

"You're wet," he murmurs, as if he couldn't believe it. It's more disbelief than dirty talking, and Rey lets out a giggle, clearly amused by his surprise, but her laughter turns into a whimper and she throws her head back when his fingers start to stroke her over her panties.

" _Yes_ ," she says, her voice ragged and low, so low it makes his cock harden even more, if possible. She pants, her chest raising and falling so quickly in anticipation as he teases her, dragging this moment out for as long as he can. "For you, only for you, Ben, please," she adds, canting her hips forward, in an obvious plea. He almost stares at her in disbelief, pressing another kiss to her breast, as he moves her panties to the side to stroke her folds, eliciting a surprised whimper. " _Please_ ," she repeats, rolling her hips so slightly, pushing against his hand.

He has never seen her like this - out of control, not hiding behind her usual composure, but begging and desperate. _For you, only for you_. God, he wants her so much he doesn't know if he can even _breathe_.

He gently nibbles at her soft flesh. "You have to guide me here, sweetheart," he murmurs,  the endearment falling so easily from his lips now that he can use it. He blushes just a little bit as she opens her eyes, so slowly as if her lids were heavy with lust and her mind hazy from his ministrations, and finds him there, his lips pressed against her chest and his gaze on her, his fingers hesitantly stroking her entrance. He knows he's trembling a little bit, but he doesn't even try not to let it show.

She smiles at him, her eyes sparkling with desire. "Don't be nervous," she tells him, so gently, her hand pushing a few strands of hair out of his face, soothing him. Her movements are slow and rhythmic, as if she was trying to calm his mind, and then her hand slides down and curves around his wrist, guiding him and his hesitant fingers. He tentatively pushes one fingers in her, and she lets out a soft moan, moving her hips so slightly. "Yes, yes, like this," she murmurs, her eyes fluttering shut again, as if she was overwhelmed by the sensation. "You're doing so good, Ben".

He sucks in a breath, his mouth never leaving her skin as he moves his finger, still so hesitantly. It's - _new_ , he thinks. The sensation of her, tightening around his finger, pushing against his hand ever so slightly, is new and different from everything else he has ever imagined, but she lets out another moan, canting her hips toward him, silently urging him, and it's the most beautiful thing he has ever witnessed. He bites the soft flesh of her breast, as he tries to follow her movements, trying to move his finger at the same rhythm of her hips.

A gasp, her lids trembling slightly. She lets her head fall back on the pillow, face flushed and lips parted, so gloriously out of control. " _More_ ," she urges him, her voice so low it's almost impossible to hear, but he catches her word, and obliges her all the same. He pulls his finger away, eliciting a small, high-pitched whine, and then he carefully thrusts in again, two fingers this time.

He pumps them slowly, making her whimper and mewl at every little movement. She clenches around his fingers, her thighs closing out of instinct around his hand, her body shivering and trembling, so impossibly tense. Her brow is furrowed in concentration, her lips parted, her breath coming out in small puffs, and she's never been so beautiful. Her flush has spread to her chest, her skin heated and burning when he presses his lips there and takes her nipple into his mouth, teeth grazing at the bud. The mere act of it makes her writhe, rocking against his hand in a feverish way, her legs trembling from the effort of holding him there.

"Try to crook them," she breathes out, her voice a broken moan by now. "Yes like thi- _oh_ ".

He does as instructed, crooking his fingers just barely, his eyes fixed on her, and Rey's back arches off the bed, one hand coming to tug at his hair, the other fisting the sheets between her fingers, gripping them so tightly he notices her knuckles are becoming white. "Ben, Ben, _Ben_ ," she pleads as he does that again, more surely this time, and she repeats his name so urgently, so fervently, as if it was a prayer known to her lips only.

He climbs up her body only to press a kiss to her lips, as if to taste his name on her tongue and Rey pants on his mouth as he crooks his fingers again and again, watching her every reaction, the way she rolls her hips, the way she falls apart beneath him, all broken whimpers and silent pleas, his name on her lips.

"Fuck Rey, you're so beautiful, do you have any idea? I thought about you for so long," he babbles, his movements almost as frantic as hers, his mind reduced to a series of incoherent moans. Words don't have meaning anymore, and he's trying his best to keep a semblance of control, but she whimpers at his words, her eyes screwed shut, her lips parted, and he's already gone. He _needs_ her right now, almost desperately, but he won't, not until she shatters around his fingers, not until he can make her come. "Have you thought about this too, sweetheart?"

She keens, her fingers fisting his hair. "Say that again," she manages to breathe out, her words accompanied by a sharp gasp.

Ben frowns, never stopping his movements. "What? _Sweetheart_?" he asks her. That makes her mewl again, and she nods, her body rocked by tremors. Oh. _Oh_. "God, sweetheart, I love you so much, you have no idea how beautiful you are right now. Have you thought about this?"

A thin layer of sweat covers her, and she's shivering beneath him, her muscles impossibly tense and eager at the same time, her body pulled tight like a string, on the verge of snapping, taut and coiled up. He crooks his fingers again, and he's rewarded by the sharp cry tumbling out of her lips, a sound he didn't think she could make. She nods again, her answer a breathless moan.

"Yes," she says, in the end, her eyes fluttering open only to stare at him. She's moving frantically, her hips stuttering as she arches her back, almost lifting herself off the bed as she chases his hand, her fingers tangled in his hair - and still, her smile is sweet and tender and _fuck_ , that almost undoes him. He's already on the verge of coming, just because she's looking at him like that, dark eyes and tender smile, love written all over her features. "I've wanted you for so long, Ben, you have no idea, please, please, Ben, _please_ ," she adds, throwing her head back and giving him easy access to the beautiful skin of her throat.

He presses a kiss to her pulse point, as he pumps his fingers, her words echoing in his mind. He still has trouble believing this freckled goddess under him has wanted him as much as he has wanted her, for all these months, but she's there, right now, begging him, and he's not going to complain or question her or ask her _why_.

"You're so beautiful, I love you, I love you," he tells her again, instead, trailing kisses down her throat, feeling her moans build beneath his own lips, a vibration that travels straight down. Her hips start to stutter, her movements almost sloppy, and she tightens around his fingers, and he knows nothing, but he can understand she's close.

He kisses the soft spot where her neck meets her jaw, the one that he's learned makes her melt and purr, and breathes against her skin, "I love you so much, sweetheart," and that's all it takes for her to shatter around him. She lets out a cry and falls apart beneath him, clutching his shoulders almost desperately, her fingers digging into his skin, as she goes completely boneless into his arms. He's working up a bruise on the underside of her jaw when she starts to come back from her high.

" _Ben_ ," she pants, again, out of breath. She tugs at his hair, repeatedly, and her eyes slowly fall open, blinking him into focus. "I want- I want you, please, _please_. I need to feel you".

It takes all his willpower to not to come right there, at her words.

He takes a deep breath, and then another. He breathes in a third time, and exhales loudly. "God, Rey," he whispers, hovering above her, as he slowly remove his fingers from her. She whines a little bit, her chest heavy with quick, rapid breaths as he hooks his fingers into her panties and drag them down her legs and she kicks them off in a quick move.

He laughs at her eagerness, even though he feels just as eager. "You're going to _kill_ me, sweetheart".

She chuckles and lets out a shuddering breath, as her free hand slowly makes its way down from his shoulders to his abdomen, following the moles on his skin as if she was trying to make a star chart out of it. Her fingers trace the outline of his cock above his underwear, and he gasps as she palms it, her hand so warm and _real_ against him and he can feel the familiar tension coiling up in his stomach. He pulls away from her, breath shallow and lips parted.

Rey frowns and removes her hand, her eyes scanning his face, maybe searching for any sign of discomfort. "Are you okay?"

He nods, trying to find it in himself to answer.

"Yes," he replies, in the end. She's still very pressed against him, her fingers just a few inch away from his groin, tracing patterns on his thigh now, and he has to breath in and out a few times. "It's just ... I've never- and I'm already so _close_ and- I won't last very long if you keep touching me, so ..." he explains, looking away from her to avoid her gaze.

He cringes at his own words, and he can't help but wince at how young and inexperienced he sound, a teenager on the verge of coming into his pants because he's touching a girl.

But that girl is _Rey_.

"Oh," it's all she says, her other hand still on his hair, her fingers gently toying with it, as if to soothe him. "There's nothing to be ashamed of, darling," she adds, so sweetly, her voice hitting something deep in him, the endearment so wonderful and tender on her lips. She has used pet names a lot of times, these few days, but right now it's _real_ and he can't help but whimper, as she comes to stroke his hair in calm, reassuring movements.

She brings her other hand to his face, fingers gently raising his chin to urge him to look into her eyes. He presses his lips together as he does, cheeks burning and ears red, but she's smiling at him, and her eyes are shining. Her hair is a mess, and there's a thin layer of sweat on her skin, lovebites on every inch of her neck and chest, and she's so _stunning_ like this he can't believe it's happening.

"I am sorry I made it so awkward," he murmurs, bracing himself on his forearm, as he follows with one hand the lines of her muscles. She's so, so beautiful, more than he had ever imagined - she's full of freckles, her skin both soft and taut, sunspots and fading white scars marking her, making her something wonderful, something he'd get on his knees for, ready to worship her. "You probably hadn't this in mind when you thought about it".

Rey laughs, her small body trembling underneath him. They're so intertwined right now that the little wave of her laughter almost resonates within him. "No," she whispers, her hands cupping his face, her thumb tracing the outline of his lips with care. "No, it's perfect. You're perfect, Ben, you're perfect. I love you so much".

It's easy to reply. "I love you too," he murmurs back, and then he lets her bring her hand to his boxers, helping her getting rid of the last piece of clothing standing between them, and when she wraps her little hand around him, he lets out a moan, his head falling on her chest, breathing her in as he closes his eyes.

A kiss to his temple, her fingers carding through his hair, her hand slowly pumping him and her chest, rising and falling underneath him - that's all he can feel right now, along with her sweet words. "You're doing so good," she whispers, against his hair, as she moves her hand, setting an achingly slow pace, her thumb brushing over his head and making him jolt against her, as he pants, lips pressed against her skin. He's already so _close_ , and her kind words, her praises are making him shiver, thrusting into her hand with a whimper. "You're so perfect for me, darling. I love you so much".

" _Please_ ," he manages to utter, the word almost foreign to his own ears. He doesn't even know what words mean anymore, but he wants, no, he _needs_ her, right now, and somehow she knows, because she stops moving her hand and presses another kiss to his temple. "Please, Rey".

She shushes him, her fingers pushing through his hair. "I've got you, Ben, I've got you," she murmurs, and then she spreads her legs and guides him to her entrance, and the rest of the world stops existing for good as he slowly sinks into her.

It's a sensation unlike any other he has ever felt - it feels like too much and not enough at the same time, as if his whole body was a cascade of tingling nerves and shocks of pleasure, as if his heart had stopped beating for a full minute before it started to thump against his chest in a frantic rhythm, and when Rey lets out a little moan, her head falling back on the pillow again and her legs coming to encircle his waist, Ben knows he's lost forever.

He sinks further down, watching her face as he does, marveling at the way her lips part, and the sounds come tumbling out of them, broken little moans and mewls that make him tremble, gritting his teeth through it, trying so hard not to come after a few seconds. He doesn't dare moving until he's sheathed deep inside her, and when he is, her muscles clenching and tightening around him and making him weak and breathless, he stares down at her, tying to read her face. "Are you okay?" he asks her, bringing one hand to her hip as if to pull her closer, his thumb stroking her hipbone in a reassuring gesture.

Rey nods, experimentally rolling her hips underneath him. It takes a lot of effort not to come like this, and Ben groans, dropping his head on her shoulder, almost biting her freckled skin. "Fuck, Rey, don't do that," he murmurs against her, and she huffs a small laugh, her feet digging at the base of his spine and pulling him deeper.

"Please," she manages to say, her voice low, and ragged, and broken, and so different from her usual tone. "Please, Ben".

And because he's unable to deny her anything, he starts moving.

It feels almost sacred - Rey brings her arms around his neck, her fingers digging into his shoulders, her nails leaving crescent marks into his skin, and her legs wrapped tightly around his waist as she moves underneath him, and he drinks in her noises, her moans and whimpers and cries, his lips leaving hers only when it becomes too much, and he feels like his lungs are on fire. Her hair is splayed all around her, almost like a dark halo, and the moonlight shines on her face, a thin layer of sweat glistening against her skin, and she's never been so beautiful.

His hips move almost of their own accord, and he can't help the sounds that escape his lips, as he thrusts into her, her walls fluttering around him at every movement. He groans everytime he drives into her, and he knows he won't last long, a tingling sensation at the base of his spine making itself known, and he tries to slow his movements, dragging this out.

"You feel so good," he murmurs, his fingers tracing the outline of her breast, thumb flicking against her nipple. Rey cries out as he puts his mouth around it, his tongue circling it, and her nails carve a mark into his back, but he doesn't care. All he cares about is the way her back arches off the mattress, as if she could somehow press herself even closer, and crawl underneath his skin. They are so intertwined he doesn't know where he ends and she begins anymore, and the thought alone makes his head spin, and he speeds his movements, heated, almost desperate, chasing down his orgasm. "You feel so good, sweetheart, oh my God".

"So good," she echoes, her hips meeting his, erratically, almost frantic and delirious in her need. She slides her hand down her body to where they're joined, starting to rub her clit with her index, and he watches her in fascination, studying the movements of her fingers and the way she rolls her hips, the way her face melts and contorts at the same time from the pleasure.

After a few seconds, he pushes her hand away and he brings his thumb on her clit, circling it. Rey lets out a keening sound, and he's glad they're the only ones in the house, and he doesn't have to shut her up, because the way she moans and cries out is almost too good to be true and he doesn't want to miss it for anything in the world. The tension underneath his skin seems on the point of breaking and he thumbs her clit almost furiously.

"Rey, I'm close," he chokes, kissing along her neck, and she nods against him.

" _Yes_ ," she murmurs, and he wonders for a moment if she has even heard him at all, but then the heels of her feet dig into his back and she pushes him deep inside her, deeper, deeper, _deeper_ , and she's carding her fingers through his hair, almost reassuring him. "You can come, darling. Please, please, come for me, Ben".

That's all it takes for him. His whole body goes rigid as he comes with a cry, stars exploding at the edge of his vision, the world filtered down to nothing except for the little approving sounds Rey makes underneath him, as she threads her fingers through his hair and holds him in her arms through the aftershocks of the orgasm. He rests against her chest, trying his best not to crush her, as she whispers sweet nothings into his ear, and her hand moves up and down his back, counting every knot in his spine, soothingly. He's trembling, and he knows there are tears at the corner of his eyes, but she's there, holding him.

"You did so good, Ben," she keeps telling him, planting little kisses along his hairline, and he lets himself being swept away by the sensation - Rey all around him, enveloping him in all the possible ways, her arms around him, her legs wrapped tightly around his hips, her walls still clenching around him. His mind feels dizzy and hazed, and the only thing he can focus on is the sound of her voice, sweet and reassuring. "You are amazing," she says, her lips brushing against his temple.

It takes him a few minutes to realize she's still squirming beneath him, her breath shallow, her legs secured around his waist. "You didn't ..." he tries to say, as he slowly raises his head from her chest. Her fingers are still in his hair, pushing the strands away from his face as if she couldn't get enough of looking at him. She tilts her head to the side and smiles gently at him, as he blushes underneath her gaze. "You didn't come. I am so sorry, I-"

Her index comes to rest on his lips, shushing him, as she flashes him a smile and strokes his cheeks. He feels exactly like a teenager right now, but she smiles at him, and it's not so awkward anymore, even if he knows his face is red by now. "It's okay, Ben," she tells him, sweetly. "You don't have to-"

He doesn't let her finish, though, because he brings his lips down on hers, swallowing the rest of that sentence, while his thumb comes to circle her clit again. Rey lets out a little surprised gasp on his mouth as he works at the bundle almost desperately, and it only takes a few seconds for her walls to contract around him, and her head falls back as she clutches his shoulders so tightly he can feel the bruises blossoming under her fingertips, his cock twitching at the sight. She comes with a broken moan, and it's the most beautiful sound he has ever heard, and he kisses her and holds her through the tremors as she comes down.

A few minutes pass like this - him planting feather-like kisses down her neck, her collarbones, her breasts while she tries to catch her breath, as she holds tightly onto him. "I love you, I love you, I love you," she murmurs, everytime his lips connect with her skin, and he smiles against her, feeling so utterly content and loved for the first time in his life.

After a while, he rolls off of her, Rey whining a little bit as he does, clinging to his body. Somehow, she manages to curl herself right against his chest, her head tucked under his chin, her arm wrapped around his torso, as if he could escape her, and she was just trying to prevent it. It will take a while for the notion to settle in, he thinks - for her to realize he isn't going to disappear.

He stays like this for a while - one hand resting into her hair, threading carefully through the soft strands, and the other swung around her waist, his palm pressed at the small of her back -, before speaking. "That was nice," he murmurs, in the end, eliciting a giggle from her. His lips are pressed against her hairline, and she hums when he plants a kiss there. "When we go back in Coruscant, will you go out with me?"

Rey leans back to stare at him, frowning. Then, after a few seconds in which his heart stops beating for good, her lips curve into a teasing smile and her hand comes to rest on his chest, her palm right against his heart. "Ben Solo," she starts, tilting her head. "Are you asking me on a date?"

He blushes, the tip of his ears red by now, but he doesn't mind, not when it's Rey. "Yes," he replies, and it's so easy to break into a smile, let his hand wander to her hipbone and pull her closer, lips inches away from hers, his words a breathless whispers against her mouth. "I believe I am".

She leans into him, her eyes fluttering closed. "I don't know," she breathes out, against his lips, her hand trailing down his chest to follow the lines of his muscles, fingers tracing patterns along his stomach and further down, down, _down_. "I'll have to think about it".

"Oh, shut up," he murmurs, and then, without giving her a chance to tease him again, he surges forward and kisses her. Rey drops all the pretenses and melts into him, her body still so soft and pliant and warm and real. He rests his hand at the small of her back, as if he could protect her, and she lets him do it, and it feels like - _everything_.

When he starts to drift to sleep, she's curled against his chest, and he feels like, for the first time, he has a place to belong to.

*

His mother looks at him with a disgruntled expression, as if the simple act of him carrying their bags to his car were a personal insult to her only. She has her arms crossed over her chest, and her nose is scrunched up, as always when she's less then pleased with something, which is basically all the damn time, as his father loves to put it.

"You'll come back, right?" she asks him, as she stands on the porch, studying his face with care, as if she could read the answer right there on his moles. She looks so _vulnerable_. He isn't used to this, to his mother being something less than strong and invincible, but he guesses part of adulthood is realizing your parents are not the idealized figures you had in your head as a child - that they can make mistakes, and fuck up, and not being always the strongest people in the world.

Amilyn, standing beside her with an arm around her waist, laughs quietly. "Let him go, sweetie, he'll come back," she tells her, surely, her gentle gaze fixed on him, and once again Ben is struck by the realization of how well Amilyn can read him without an effort.

Before he can say anything, though, Rey takes his hand into hers with all the ease of the world, and smiles at his mother, all but beaming. "Of course we will," she says immediately, before he can even think of uttering an answer. He looks down at her, his eyebrows arching out of their own will, but she turns into his direction with shining eyes, and the way she smiles - so radiantly happy, as if she had waited her whole life for this - makes him melt and cave in with a sigh.

"Yeah, of course," he confirms, and he's surprised to realize it's not actually a lie. He will come back - it feels easier now, not as heavy as it was just a few days before. Maybe his therapist was right, telling him he had to work on his issues, instead of pretending they weren't there. _Who knew._ "I mean, you haven't got the chance to show Rey all the embarrassing baby pictures of me you have stashed somewhere. I could never deprive you of this joy," he adds, and they all laugh, the sound silvery and pure in the quiet Chandrilan morning.

It feels almost like a blessing.

When he hugs his mother, pressing a kiss to her forehead, he's surprised to realize how at peace he feels, and how easy it seems, after years spent clawing at his own heart. She sighs into his embrace, and pats his back, as if he was still a child, and he lets her do it, because it feels right in this moment, and because, despite how many years he has spent telling himself he wouldn't, he will miss this.

"Don't let that girl go, Ben," she tells him, when he steps away. Her gaze is stern, but there's a smile on her lips, and Ben knows she means it - he can see the surprise and the awe in the back of her eyes as she watches him being so open, less guarded, more at ease in the world, as if he had finally found his place.

He smiles, rubbing his mother's arm in a soothing gesture. "I don't plan to, mom," he reassures her, and it's the truth  - he doesn't plan to let Rey go for a very long time, possibly for the rest of his life. He catches Rey's gaze as she's putting her suitcase in the trunk by herself  - because of course she would - and smiles, so easily, as if he hadn't spent his whole life sulking and frowning.

"Good," Amilyn tells him, the smile he knows so well on her lips, her gaze both gentle and teasing and, above all, fond. "Because we like that girl".

At that, Ben can't help but laugh.

After - after all the baggage has been put into the back of his car, and after all godbyes have been said, and he has promised his mother at least five times he'll be back, _yes, for Christmas, okay, no need to look at him like he's leaving for war_ -, Rey climbs into his car with ease, as if she had always belonged there and there was nothing more than she wanted to do than be with him.

It's still so new, and it takes him a moment to remind himself that she loves him. It will take time to understand it completely, but he's willing to work on it, with her.

"So," he starts, as he turns the car on. The engine rumbles beneath his feet, and Rey stares at him with the loving, tender smile she has always gifted him, since that day in her café, so many months ago, when he had broken her espresso machine. It's surprisingly easy to lean in and grasp her hand, lacing their fingers together on her tight. She looks down at their hands and her thumb comes to brush against his knuckles, reverently. "Together?"

He knows she knows what he's asking - and she doesn't hesitate.

" _Together_ ".

And together, they drive off in the quiet Chandrilan morning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaand that's a wrap. i can't believe this story is over - it was supposed to be a light, funny and short thing, and instead it turned out to be more serious than I had intended to be, and definitely longer than I expected, but I shouldn't be surprised, since apparently I'm the most verbose person in the world :D Thank you to every one of you, for sticking with me, for supporting me, for encouraging me when I wasn't convinced about something and for always having kind words, you are truly the sweetest community ever and I'm so very lucky ♥ 
> 
> as always, i am on [twitter](https://twitter.com/akosmia) and [tumblr](http://kylorensx.tumblr.com/) if you want to chat or yell at me. also, there's a link to my ko-fi on my tumblr, if you want to support me so I can write more unnecessary long excuse for fluff and tropes :D and that's all, see you next story ♥

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me on [tumblr](http://kylorensx.tumblr.com/) and on [twitter](https://twitter.com/akosmia)


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